Relationship she shut me out

[Ronin]

But it only ever truly helps us when there's that "love" element to the "tough love" stuff.

I think we have different reading of criticism vs. tough love, then.
Because what I saw in the thread, was caring. And the usual ethiquette to talking, honest, blunt, to the point, add your angle and flavor of soda as you come, still applying.

And, useful advice is useful advice.
One does not have to be super loving to give useful advice.
Relationship equivalents of Yo, how do I store this explosive again? need to come with tools, safety tips, For f*ck Sake Do Not Do That, and all..... not You poor asshole screwed up, it will be fairly obvious to everyone included if *someone* f*cks up.

 

[Justmehere]

@Sophy - Sufferers tend to be hard on supporters, and do need to take extra care when posting in this sub-forum.

That being said, this is a supporter who wants close relationships and is making some solid life changes. It’s a good suggestion that one with BPD and a fear to abandonment avoid dating sufferers with PTSD who are very avoidant of closeness, especially as a way to resolve employment and life stress. That’s not likely to work out well. The supporter would likely be let down and miserable. No one wants that. It’s not judgement, it’s feedback. It’s laying out the landscape of dating a sufferer that isn’t stable. If anything, it’s a critique on unsteady sufferers that they are not the most reliant breadwinners for a partnership. I write this as a sufferer about sufferers. Sometimes someone needs to hear it more directly, sometimes not.

At the end of the day, something we say a lot around here is to take what’s useful and disregard what isn’t.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Dunno. Calling someone a leech isn't my version of "helpful".

Yes, blunt can be helpful sometimes, but I still think there's a way of doing it - for example using humour and being clear about "I f*ck this kind of stuff up too" that makes it less cutting and judgemental.

I guess, yes, we all have different opinions on what is helpful and what is unhelpful.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just as a general note for all who are commenting... If reading this, or any other post in the forum bothers you, then it is best not to read it or engage.

This is a public forum on the internet. People are going to respond in a variety of ways. It is up to individuals to "take what they need and leave the rest."

This is a supporter forum. Reading supporter forums as a sufferer can be upsetting. This is not the place to voice that upset. This is a place for supporters to get ask questions, get advice, vent, and otherwise get some much needed support for themselves.

There is a low tolerance level for interpersonal drama, aggression, and nitpicking.

Keep this thread on topic please.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

No no, im not "using" anybody for anything. Just had had another person with ptsd fall for me. Trying to make it work. Hers is less severe though, but shes isolating too. Not much contact for a few weeks. I'm gonna write a long letter and move on. It sucks.
As for being a "leech", I have nothing polite to say to that. Its not like I know these people have a condition when I meet them. That's irrational. If I was psychic I'd be on television.

 

[Chris-duck]

I don't think it's about fortune telling. I think it is worth looking at what quality in you attracted two people with ptsd one after the other. I'm not saying none of us can form a healthy relationship. I'm saying it adds extra stress, what's causing this to repeat itself?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

I'm not sure. I'm 90% sure I was with an undiagnosed one last year. I guess its because they can tell im more scared of them than they are of me. At least that's what E told me once. I shook and sweat in her arms all night when we met.
Honestly this is just now sinking in now that the denial phase is gone. It hurts. I wonder if shes angry at me. Id like to know how sufferers here would feel about 10 texts during a month of isolation... Doesn't help that I said I'd stop a few times but we were so entangled that I had to negotiate about several things.
Plus this all started because she didn't tell me she needed to isolate for a week, reassured me, told me she loved me, pretended everything was fine, even told white lies until she blew up on me when I saw her in person. I wish she had been upfront like she used to be.

 

[Ronin]

Its not like I know these people have a condition when I meet them.

But my comment was not about that, in the remotest.
It was about thinking mentally ill people are a ticket to your future, in any way, remarking about their earnings. Which, even through the strong phrasing, is still a way of navigating relationships that could very use reexamining.

It is awesome that someone is self sufficient and well off while also struggling with health issues.
She does not deserve anyone thinking of her as a tool, much less building most of their life around it, though. And you do not deserve to make illusions and easily vanishing prospects a center of your future, either. So standing by what I said, it is not healthy way to think.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

So standing by what I said, it is not healthy way to think.

I agree. Its not healthy, and it didn't help that she encouraged it by talking about it constantly. She really thought that I was the reason she was doing well this year. I guess maybe we both used each other as a crutch. She'd talk about life plans for years in advance and I believed it too. We're both rather stunted for being in our mid-twenties, I acknowledge that.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

I really want her back in my life and I can't shake it. Due to plans with friends I'm most likely going to run into her within the next month and it's going to be so awkward. I don't know if a sufferer can forgive the mistakes I've made. Shes been patient with other exes, but it took like 6 months and it was due to guilt of her mistreating them. In this case it was 90% my fault. What happens when you bump into someone you've shut out? Does it cause a scene? Do you run away? Do you try to make them leave?

 

[EveHarrington]

None of us can predict how she will act/react when she sees you.

 

[OrangeJulius]

What happens when you bump into someone you've shut out? Does it cause a scene? Do you run away? Do you try to make them leave?

I haven't followed this whole thread so I don't know the back story and will only be addressing this part.

I broke up with my sufferer at the very beginning of our relationship for 9 months. We work in the same industry and ran into each other a lot (at least once a week but up to 10 times a week). We ignored each other and/or were civil depending on the situation. Drove me crazy that he acted like nothing happened. At the same time I'm SO GLAD he acted like nothing happened. But I also couldn't understand how he seemed so unfazed and I'd end up in tears as soon as I was alone because of how stressed and sad I felt about everything.

When we started talking again as friends only and airing out everything that had happened in order to start our close friendship fresh.... I learned that he felt it all too. He is just really good at hiding his feelings. The whole compartmentalization thing. Especially as a combat vet. I am damn near certain I am the only person on this planet that knows when something is up with him because I am the only person he allows close enough to see anything being off. For everybody else he can put on a show. He might get short with people, but nothing that can't be chalked up to just how he is or a bad day....especially while he works. Its incredible how he can put on a mask at work. If he's symptomatic and I'm not getting anywhere with anything when we interact in person...I will text him while he's working and have way better luck getting answers about stupid things like "where did you put ____?" or "can you take the dog with you to ____?"

Point is: its very possible she will act normally as if nothing ever occurred between you two. Nobody can say for sure. But just be ready for anything because it really can go any direction.