Should I Contact My Ex?

[Matilda]

First, let me clarify. When I say ex I mean my ex best friend who dropped all contact with me two months ago. This morning a concerned coworker of hers (who happens to be my friend) called me with concern for "Tabitha". Apparently Tabitha's boyfriend broke up with her last week.

She's had issues with relationships for a big portion of her life and she really cared for this guy. Well, the coworker said I might want to consider calling her because she doesn't really have many other friends.

So now I'm in this situation. I don't know if I should contact her because why would she really want to talk to me after all this time. And if she does than where does that leave me. My depression is only getting worse and I'm still considering the doctor visit to see if medication might help me. Maybe she'll just use me to get herself emotionally stable again and throw me out like a dirty rag again.

But in the end, I really really still care for her and I am worried for her.
Any advice right now would be much appreciated

 

[scout86]

But in the end, I really really still care for her and I am worried for her.

That looks like an answer to your question. Contacting her because YOU care about HER means that it doesn't matter "what's in it for you?" down the road, doesn't it? There doesn't have to be a long term goal of re-establishing the friendship, or her being there for you someday. That might happen. It might not. At the moment, she's someone who you care about and who is probably hurting and in need of support. What's the downside of offering that support?

If we're taking a vote here, I'd vote "reach out to her". Not with any expectations, just with your caring and concern.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say good riddance. She dropped you once after using you, so why OH WHY would you go back to that? Think of it this way.... There are what....like 8 billion people in the world? I'm sure that there are people out there who will treat you better than she did. 8 billion.....and you care about the one who treated you like dirt. Don't you think you deserve better? If she is sorry, then she should reach out to you, not the other way around.

 

[scout86]

@Solara, if you put yourself in the position of the "ex-best-friend" instead of the position of the OP, do you get the same answer? There may be lots of people in the world who would have been a better friend to @Matilda than this person was. It sounds like there aren't many who are available to HER, other than Matilda.

The way I read the OP, we don't know why the communication stopped. We don't know that XBF "used" the OP. I read it that Matilda is worried about being used NOW. When I reread it, I can see how it could also be interpreted that that was what happened last time, so I'm not sure about that.

What's the harm? You reach out and try to help someone, they accept the offer or not. Your value as a living thing doesn't depend on their choice. I kind of think your value as a human being is added to by being willing to make the offer, but that's JMO. Personally, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Now and then someone has been good enough to give me another chance. Once in awhile, several chances. I appreciate that and figure most other people are at least as deserving of that as I ever was, so why not? Do people take advantage of that? Sometimes, but I kind of figure that's on them, not me. I never offer more than I'm willing to give.

 

[risingsun]

On the one hand, she hurt you very badly and betrayed you. On the other hand, if she literally has no one and is in danger of hurting herself, that is another story. Why, though, I wonder, isn't this other coworker reaching out to her if she is that worried? Why is she putting this on you (probably I'm assuming) knowing that you are not friends with her anymore and that you have a lot going on emotionally?

However, I think you can reach out, in the spirit of humanity, to offer support if she is a threat to herself.

If you do, though, keep your boundaries and do not become entangled in her web again. Remember, offering support is one thing, but becoming wrapped up into her reality is another especially as you have to take care of your own mental health.

If you do decide to offer emotional support, I would say, stay strong, know thyself and remember that you are only offering support not a doorway into your life again, unless of course you really want that.

But, on the friendship level, she treated you so poorly and tossed you out as Solara has pointed out and you have pointed out.


I do want to add that I had a friend from the past (who used to treat me badly) whose mum passed on and she came to visit me. I hadn't seen her in years. I wanted to offer support. Well, when she was here, she treated me like dirt the two days she stayed. After that, even though I knew that she was going through a horrific time with drinking and boyfriend troubles, etc., I cut off all contact. Was I afraid for her? Yes. Was I afraid for my emotional well-being, yes. I have moved on and I'm not bringing the betrayers with me. So, I had to make a tough choice, but I know I made the right one.

But everyone is different and every situation different. So its a tough call. It's hard to say in your case. How close were you with her? Did she add to your life or take from your life? Was this a misunderstood two month cutoff or an intentional cutoff?

Whatever you decide, keep your boundaries and stay strong. I hope it all works out.

Good luck to you, Rising Sun.

 

[Matilda]

Thank you for all of the responses. Let me clarify a few things and add a bit of background.

First of all, @risingsun this coworker recently moved cross state and no longer sees tabitha due to the move.

So tabitha is the closest friend I've ever had to date and she was practically my sister. She's the only person I've ever willingly disclosed my past sexual abuse and I stayed at her house when I was hiding from my father for about a month. With her I learned what it was like to be a teenager and have fun. She opened up with me quite a bit as well, more than she has with most people except for her new ex. She's always had relationship issues where she would settle for really crappy guys and ended up losing her virginity to one. Finally she got rid of her last abusive relationship and then met this really great guy over the summer. I knew from the get go that she was getting herself into deep water when I noticed she was becoming to attached too quickly but I kept my mouth shut. Soon enough they started dating and he moved in with her. That's when she had a meltdown and contacted me telling me about all of the crappy guys and how she was scared. I got her through it and we were on great terms...but after that day she dropped all contact with me.

She does this quite a bit, that's why I'm concerned for her because I know she pushes people out of her life. He was the only relationship that I know of that lived near her and now I don't believe she really has anyone.

She has a great family so I shouldn't be too concerned, but still. Right now all I want is for people to still love me even when I don't talk to them all that often. I know our situations are extremely different and that she was a complete jerk to me and I do deserve better, but I can't ignore all of the great things from our friendship. At the least, I want to be a bit of support if she decides she wants to accept it. I'd want someone to do the same for me

 

[risingsun]

I'd want someone to do the same for me

I absolutely get what your saying. I just didn't know the whole situation, but now I do understand. Maybe when he moved in she knew you didn't approve or it wasn't going well and didn't want to disclose that maybe? People get like that, especially those being abused.

You did say that you would want someone to do the same for you? But you've been depressed and where has she been? Did you call and/or text in those two months and did she ignore you? Did she consider "you" as a person and how that might impact you. Cutting you out like that must have hurt tremendously. Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't reach out.

I get concerned only because when we have been through a lot because of PTSD, we tend to put up with many things because the fear of being alone seems harder than having a friend or a partner that hurts us.

If you do want to reconnect and maybe rekindle, I would be open and honest about how you were impacted. At the end of the day, a true friend can be "called out" and they will still love and accept you. In true friendship, honesty and loyalty are there.

Based on your answer, I think you want to reach out and if so, that is the mark of a good friend on your end. And you seem strong about the fact that she does deserve that. So I think you should go with how you feel if you feel that strongly about it, especially if you feel she is a danger to herself.

Just be cautious is all. I wouldn't go into this saying how you were impacted by her actions off the bat. I would go in supportive. However, if you want to rekindle, then I wouldn't shy away from how you truly feel at some point. If we can't be honest with those that are in our lives, then there is distance and a dishonesty there, you know?

And at the end of the day, we must all ask ourselves whether someone adds or takes from our lives. We must all be cautious about who we let into our lives and how that shapes it. Do they add or take?

Again, I'm not saying don't reach out. Just be cautious if you do, take it slowly and if you want to rekindle, then she needs to know that she hurt you deeply so that she will not do it again. Good Luck to You. Keep us updated. Rising Sun.

 

[Matilda]

Well I messaged her and she just responded. I can't bring myself to see what she said. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating out of my chest. See, I not only think up the worst case scenario, but u expect the worst case scenario to happen. Which in this case would be, putting my heart in a blender

 

[Matilda]

Alright so worst case scenario didn't happen and I wasn't yelled at and told how stupid I am and every other negative thought I can think of (come on brain stop freaking me out all of the time). She said she needs a few weeks, but she would live to have coffee with me sometime and then we had a fairly pleasant conversation. I suppose that's something.