So Very, Very Tired Of It All.

[HëllaBubz]

I'm really struggling today. It's been a stressful week, and my psychiatrist and I did 'trigger' work today....basically figuring out what causes panic responses in my body, and then learning how to lessen the impact of whatever caused that response.

It took only a few seconds of her moving her chair closer for my heart rate to go up, then the tunnel vision to start, and then glazing over and not hearing everything she was saying.

My relationship is really suffering because of my PTSD and this pregnancy, since I've been off medication, I've become super, super sensitive to touch, and sex is out of the question again.

And I was just reaching a good place when on meds, where I was starting to see a glimmer of my body allowing me to enjoy intimacy without thinking about my previous rapes.

I just don't know how much longer I can hold on, I'm so sick of craving intimacy and sex, but then my damned body screeches everything to a halt, and starts bringing up bad memories.

Is it so bad to want to be normal, to have a sex drive, to enjoy something as simple as a hug, kiss or sex?
I feel like I'm living with a stranger because he can't touch me, and it's a constant boundary between us.

Is having a baby going to bring us together, or is it going to strain us even more?
I refuse to become a statistic of PTSD, my relationship will NOT fail, I'll do whatever it takes, but I just wish I could have one day where I didn't have to fight so hard for things that are my right as a human being.

My other half cannot handle the complete lack of sex, he cannot sleep, think, function, interact reasonably, has massive irritability, unable to reason or even eat properly when his hormones go mental, but the cost of the prostitute is costing us a lot.

He wants to think about being one himself, so that way he gets paid to do what his body craves, and it will leave money for us to use for the baby or save, but something rings alarm bells, like another boundary is being broken down, and neither of us can see it.

He's not sure what to do, and understands that something doesn't seem right, but at the same time neither of us can put a finger on what that 'thing' is. We've both somewhat accepted that in order for him to function, he needs regular sex. I've seen what happens when he doesn't get it for 4-6 weeks, and it's not pretty....he doesn't even realise he's doing it sometimes.

Either way, I don't know how much having the baby is going to delay my progress in figuring out how to fix my triggers when it comes to sex, obviously you can't push it faster than it should be, but at the same time I want this headache over so very badly.

I'm just so very, very tired.

 

[keifer]

I know the tired feeling. I'm a guy. I destroyed my relationship. Has he been to your sessions? My counselor wanted to have my sister show up for a session, I might even ask my work friends who know as I'm not quite myself at times.

I do know the term relationship means you are in it together. Your psychiatrist have any thoughts on this?

 

[HëllaBubz]

She (T) knows it's a means to an end, so we're working as hard as we can on trigger work so I can get my sex life back. He's been to a session, but works prevents him from coming.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

Are you tired because he has put pressure on you, or truly because of your own unmet needs? Taking care of yourself is extremely difficult while pregnant. You don't (nor the baby) need to be experiencing the stress and pain of these triggers.

Now I can't exactly judge all facts obviously I am just reading what you wrote, but it seems to me that he needs to find other ways to deal with those negative behaviors you mentioned. This does not sound good at all for you two.

A kid is going to alter things, severely. My experience with it is, you don't know that you, not till the moment that child arrives post birth. You meet yourself then, so be ready to make friends with it.

 

[StrongHeart]

Your guy is using a prostitute to "satisfy his needs"? Just my opinion here, but sex is not something that must be satisfied by bringing in and paying a third party to provide physicality. There are many other ways to work towards intimacy other than just sex, and you cannot build toward that level of intimacy while you always have the feelings of inadequacy and comparison because he's off doing it with someone else. This cannot be good for your ptsd, which already brings those feelings all by itself. Holy cow, my sufferer's biggest nightmare was not being able to satisfy me, and thinking I'd want someone else because of it.

 

[Britt.f7]

Not to be krass, okay, being krass, he has two hands. One to do the deed the other to pat himself on the back for a job well done. Okay, that's enough of my vulgerness.

Now, it seems like a perfect time to build up to what you want. Sex, the final picture, may not be in it right now, but other things might. People had great suggestions on here when I wasn't able to get pass some of the images. Take it slowly. Small steps. Sometimes just laying in bed naked helped me feel more open without the flashbacks. Of course I had a pillow or two between us. It is a matter of getting comfortable all over again.

You are about at the stage where my doctor urged me to go back on my meds saying it wasn't healthy for the baby the amount of sadness and such I was feeling. Even if you choose not to do this, or your meds won't allow it, the baby is almost here. Yes, breast feeding is great but so is having a mama at her best mental health. Things to really consider, since you now know the meds were helping.

Sorry for being so rude in the beginning, not sorry enough to change it. I get mad when people talk about sex needs. But that is probably some of my own hang ups.

 

[arfie]

Getting tired is a natural part of life, especially when pregnant or working through psychological issues. Put the two together and... I don't need to tell you, do I?

To have it all, you must risk it all. Be brave, Bubzilla. Keep sharing, keep posting. With a little help from your friends, you can do this! It is hard, but it is worth it.

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for." ~Seneca

 

[bell]

I hear you, @TheBubzilla on the wanting fighting hard for things that are supposed to be our right as a human being.... Sometimes it just feels like a joke, really, that everyone else is in on but me.

And, yep, I agree with @Britt.f7, dude's got 2 hands... ;)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that when he agreed to be your partner he agreed to take ALL of you. I understand that he has needs (we all do), but I don't see a "professional" as part of the solution.

Instead of working WITH you on this, he's essentially saying that his needs are more important than yours. I think he's being quite selfish. Maybe you should take Britt's advice.

 

[HëllaBubz]

he needs to find other ways to deal with those negative behaviors you mentioned. This does not sound good at all for you two.

sex is not something that must be satisfied by bringing in and paying a third party to provide physicality

Well, these 2 quotes are kind of in the same box, in that sex, the hormone release and/or physical activity is his stress relief. It's not good, but I don't know what to do about it at the moment. I might put the ratbag back on his pushbike, and he can take the PuppyCat with him for a run.

Another thing that I think is REALLY pertinent here is the fact that he has OCD, and when he is really stressed, or craving sex, it goes insane. He is still learning about himself, and what coping mechanisms are, because he's been through alcoholic, abusive, neglectful parents and so even though I have my PTSD, I need to keep an eye on his needs because his need for 'mothering' is still very strong, given that he has been neglected so badly.

He has much to learn about himself, and coping, dealing with stress, negative behaviours and expressing himself are all things that are going to take time for him to relearn and express differently, without feeling like I'm robbing him of his identity. It's a fine line that I've butchered many a time, so I need to be careful. Despite the fact that he is my 'carer', he still has a few needs himself, and honestly sometimes I feel like I'm reparenting him, and showing him what unconditional love, support and understanding is all about.

He is so very, very terrified of losing me, I took a call the other day for an hour, and didn't tell him where I was going, and he was panicking to the point of suppressed tears. He is not controlling or abusive in any way, but I think the fact that he has been abandoned so many times makes him very vulnerable now that I have stuck by him, and shown him how a wife and mother really should be.

He's learned that I won't touch, take or want his money, I won't abuse and control him, I won't keep him from his children or do vindictive things because I'm mad at him, and it doesn't matter how horrible things are, I'll still care about him. I can be in the middle of a dissociation spell, but I'll fight tooth and nail to drag myself out if I can see he's really struggling with something, but doesn't want to ask because he knows I'm having a rough time.

On another note, @StrongHeart, I'm getting better in that I am able to tolerate hugs and kisses, and enjoy them, so even though we don't have sex, there is still a decent level of intimacy there. It's kind of like hitting the platform thing at the fair, and never quite getting the thing to hit the bell......you have the satisfaction of getting to hit with the hammer, but you never get the final end product....f*cking annoying, pardon the pun.

You meet yourself then, so be ready to make friends with it.

I really think working in high care dementia and disability is going to help with this one. You learn a massive amount of tolerance and 'going with the flow' sort of thing.

you always have the feelings of inadequacy and comparison because he's off doing it with someone else.

Um....no, not really. It is more that I feel horrible when I can see that he REALLY, REALLY needs to go, but doesn't want to ask me because he feels awful about it himself, but at the same time we both know it has to be done.

Attachment trauma on both our parts is quite useful, as well as his history of only having prostitutes for sex before he met me, we both know how to keep it somewhat 'meaningless', in that he and I both know what it is like to have sex for the sake of having sex, have the hormonal/chemical release, but feel no emotional attachment to the other person at all.

We both talk openly about it, and it's reduced him to tears several times because he really wants to have that 'final link' with me that both of us feel is missing with the lack of sex, and we both feel really isolated by that lack. I think it's why they call the first night of marriage 'consummation', it really is the final step that brings you together.

I have a hard time explaining it, but when I have sex with him it's like our physical, mental and emotional needs are filled to overflowing in that moment, and we are completely satisfied as a whole. The world could end at that moment, but because we are in each other's arms, I don't think we'd give a flying......well given the topic, I think that word would be an over used pun!

Once you know what that is like, it's like there is a big gaping hole that nothing will ever fill.

With a little help from your friends, you can do this! It is hard, but it is worth it.

Yes we can. And I have to admit, being able to talk about this controversial topic on here with all of you, without him or myself being savagely attacked is really relieving. The topic causes me much anxiety because it's so hard to get people to understand what is going on.

I think he's being quite selfish.

I can see how it would look to the outside world. However I think it's worth noting that *I* made the decision to send him off to the psych, he didn't even think of mentioning it. He was literally at his wits end, hugely depressed, and could barely think, so I made the call.

The hormonal release helps, and interestingly, doesn't last very long when he sees the pro, but if it's 1-2 sessions with me, the 'fulfillment' actually lasts him months, and he doesn't even think about it.

This episode is hard, but at the same time it's a coping mechanism until we can address the root of the problem, which is ME. And I'm going to work until it's damned well fixed.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Not to be krass, okay, being krass, he has two hands. One to do the deed the other to pat himself on the back for a job well done. Okay, that's enough of my vulgerness.

Bahahahahaha. :confused::eek::O_o::p:D:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::x3::x3::x3::x3::whistling::whistling::angelic:

Take it slowly. Small steps.

It is a matter of getting comfortable all over again.

Yup. And I keep trying, and I'm slowly breaking through.

Things to really consider, since you now know the meds were helping.

If I HAVE to go back on them because I relapse, or end up with PND, then I will. I need to stay sane and functional for everyone's sake.

Sorry for being so rude in the beginning, not sorry enough to change it.

:D:D:D:D

And, yep, I agree with @Britt.f7, dude's got 2 hands...

Well yes....and no.......have you ever had to patch up raw and bleeding spots of skin on a shame faced male, and him having to start the day before work with you putting several band-aids on a very delicate part of his anatomy?
I have, and I've never felt so horrible in my entire life.

I think that when he agreed to be your partner he agreed to take ALL of you

He most certainly did, and does.
Considering the amount of bullshit I put him through, I'm more than happy to allow lee way and work this out with him, he tries so hard to accommodate me through heaven and hell that I refuse to give him shit.

And here's another thing to consider.

I'm his first (and hopefully only) girlfriend, now fiance.

He has no previous experience to draw on, or people to talk to about this, his brother is a cheating, backstabbing asshole, and his friends don't have GF's because they're the geeky type that are going to take a little longer to find someone once they've finished playing with chemicals, test tubes and gaming.

When he first met me, his body and hormonal development was almost pre-adolescent and stunted. Within 6 months of meeting me, his voice had dropped, he started getting more body hair, his muscles start bulking up on their own and his sweat glands went into overdrive. His sex drive went MAD, our intimate life was on average 2 times a day.
The doctor called it a delayed form of puberty.

Can you image dealing with all of that as a 25yo male, in his first relationship with a female who had just been through massive sexual trauma and had been suppressed most of her life?

4 years on, he's coping a little better, but I can't image how awful it's been for him, being a full grown man dealing with all the shit that should have happened when he was a teen, and not being able to find a way of coping with those raging hormones.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry to judge. It's just hard for me to not speak.

It is selfish of him to go to a prostitute. Like someone else said he has two hands right? If he was sick and couldn't do anything with you sexually would he allow you to go to a prostitute?

I see nothing but bad about that. It breaks trust, breaks foundation, it breaks communication. It's not a partnership. It's cheating. It hurts you and you oblivious are not okay with it. Unless he is a sex addict I just don't understand see the need for a third party and even then of course if he is, it still doesn't make it okay.

I'll step out now...