Relationship Started And Perhaps Ending A Relation With A Sufferer Of Ptsd.

[mixtapeheartache]

Thank you. I suppose perhaps this also is an issue of control– that is, I seem to have none. It seems to me a healthy relationship is bi-directional, two people working together. I suppose because I don't have PTSD, I want to be able to share this burden with her, not be divorced from it. But, it is her general nature to go at it alone, I suppose.

Thanks.

 

[amethist]

Maybe also think about the fact that she has coped with this alone for so long, that at the moment she is unsure of letting anyone into her life when she is feeling down with the PTSD.

As you said it has only been 5 weeks so things are still very new for both of you.

Give her time and space, then when she comes back ask her if she minds talking about things for the future. She may surprise you and let you in more.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thank you.

That she was courageous enough to tell me two weeks in was amazing, something she "doesn't ever do".

Again, I want to be clear that I also believe that the situation is exacerbated by my own insecurities. In the past, such patterns of behaviour have always, unequivocally, been caused by a betrayal (i.e. cheating on me, emotionally or physically).

There has been nothing to suggest this, she has told me it is nothing of the sort, just needs time to work on herself by herself (although with selective isolation which I am trying to understand) except for the abrupt lack of contact.

It's rather jarring for someone who is use to regular daily contact of kindness and warmth.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Should I completely avoid even small gestures-- "Thinking of you" texts or emails?

 

[amethist]

Occasional text that have no pressure for her to reply behind them are fine once in a while, but not constant.

If she replies then great, but if she does not it may set you up for feeling let down again.

Its a hard one to call.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I haven't sent her a peep in over 48 hours. I have a longer letter I wrote but probably will not send it. Was thinking of just a photo of my dog "thinking" of her dog, and leaving it at that. :)

I am not a fan of games of chess. :-/

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Dear All Sufferers,

When dementia and cancer began to take their final hold of my father in his final months, I would visit him everyday, without fail, for hours on end, sometimes through the night. People would ask me "Why do you go see him everyday, he doesn't even know who you are anymore?" I would ponder, take a deep breath, and reply, "Because, I know who I am."

I have been thinking about you, and it makes me smile. I have begun speaking with a counsellor to better understand my needs in a relationship, and to begin to come to an understanding of what yours might be, too. I want you to know you are not alone, and I am here to earn your trust. :)

We haven't spoken for a few days, so I do not want to be presumptuous to know or understand what you are thinking. I don't want to lose respect in your eyes because it may seem absurd to you that I appear to be putting so much effort into "you" after a seemingly short period of time.

I am acutely aware of what I bring to the table in both the context of a relationship, and society as a whole. My notions of self-worth and confidence come from my strong moral compass, patience, integrity, compassion, empathy, creative and financial success, and devilishly good looks. I am also a very good cook. :)

I hope the level of respect I can earn from you is greater than for someone incapable of displaying these attributes in times of difficulty, and I hope to continue to be able to grown and learn to respect your needs and boundaries, too.

I have spent some time reading some of our past emails. They make me smile and feel good. I see such warmth, adoration, and joy in them. I once told you I thank the stars everyday that I met you. That sentiment hasn't changed.

It is more courageous to create something than to destroy it, and I'm not done creating (new memories) with you just yet. :)

I am hoping in the future your need for space and spending time with me not be mutually exclusive, however redundant that may seem on a surface level. I believe you have found peace, comfort, and kindness in past moments with me (and I with you) and I hope you'll be able, we'll be able to, find them again.

"Why are you wasting so much of your time on someone you have only known for a relatively brief period, you don't even really know her", they'll say.

I'll ponder, take a deep breath, and simply reply, "Because, I know who I am."

 

[p-no]

mixtapeheartache, I have a suggestion that helped me once with wanting to communicate with someone I loved but it wasn't possible (for more or less the same reasons you're faced with): I went to a stationery shop (more than one) and bough a book with blank pages that I really really liked. Like, I sort-of put my love into choosing the book, I chose it for them, as if it were a gift from me (which it was kind-of). Then, I would put all my communication in there, i.e. it was like a diary, but solely for the means of expressing my feelings towards that person and my feelings or whatever I wanted to tell them but was not able to because they wouldn't let me.

One time, I would go for a walk in fall and would think of them and collect some dried leaves and would put them in. Another time, I would (taking your example) take a picture of my dog and would write a little note and put it in. Etc.

Of course, I am aware it's not the same, a book is not them. But it can be a great help in getting through a difficult time, and if the relationship continues, even for a long time, later in life you could actually give it to her as a real-life gift and she would see all the love you have had for her -- when she is ready to. It helps getting all that off your chest, but not have it go poof (as it may feel if you have to gulp everything down), but it can have a meaning later, as I said.

If the relationship does not continue (whenever), you a) got it off your chest in real-time, finding relief (hopefully) from your own grief about having to stay away and also from pressuring her into something she can not do for the time being and b) you can literally lay it at rest (e.g. have your own goodbye in e.g. burning the book when you are ready, or burying it or keeping it for a while, whatever you'd like). It has helped me.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thank you so much. That is excellent advice. I will buy an empty "scrapbook" today on my way home. :)

 

[nursenurse]

Your letter is beautiful and very poignant. For her, at this moment, it would be too much for her to comprehend. I love the scrapbook idea. I am great for writing, for me. E-mails with no addresses fit my bill, save them, then I call them up wherever I am (I travel an awful lot). But you have to remember to not address, and not press send, something I did in a relationship years ago. Works well if you have self discipline, which I do now. Sort of. For the most part :D

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Yeah, I don't so much. :) Trying not to send. But honestly, it also feels like a pressure cooker building up until the point we do meet again (whenever that may be).

Sigh.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi mixedtapeheartache, your letter is beautiful. But I do agree not to send it now. I think you should wait for a better moment. But if you feel differently, or are at a perceived end wherein there's nothing left to lose, perhaps do so. But I think 5 weeks might be too frightening for her. Do what feels right in your heart.

I admire your focus on your perception or insecurities, not a blanket statement blaming her. But, it's not all 'you', or your fault, either. She also simply does have the right (as you do) to see other people. But if she's not saying such, and you believe her, there's no need to torment yourself. Communication means a lot, but trust takes time too. I don't know her history, but space is not all bad. Better than worsening symptoms, then she will likely never stay. She said she has to work on it by herself. And if she told you, and she's getting therapy, that means a lot. Even the telling probably is a lot for her to cope with. It takes time, too much stress/ fear/unknowns etc. I would also say better to connect when the moment is right, not to add more pressure.

I think amethist's advice (post #14) is very correct, as was yours about a very slow and careful pace. I apologize if I sounded abrupt before, I understand when you mean "that is you, and therefore that is why", I understand that too, as regards myself. Just that most sufferers can't believe that 'about' themselves. But, every relationship has to start somewhere, not for me to say or know what is best for you. You will know.

Best wishes.