Relationship Started And Perhaps Ending A Relation With A Sufferer Of Ptsd.

[mixtapeheartache]

Hello All,

I am new to this forum, and frankly, new to PTSD. I have an academic sense of the matter, but am new to the actual physical and emotional ramifications in the context of a relationship.

I started see a woman (32) about five weeks ago suffering from PTSD. Approximately two weeks into the relationship she courageously told me about her PTSD, and the cause and offered me to walk.

I did not.

Since then, and prior to the reveal, we have shared many intimate details, laughed, enjoyed each others company. She has showered me with kind words, thoughts and gestures, and I her. She has "never met anyone like me" and neither I her. She seemed to be generally flabbergasted by my kind, giving, and loving nature. And I hers.

Then the last 7 days, it all seems to have vanished, slowly then abruptly. She said her PTSD was acting up (worst in years) and she could not commit to having a boyfriend, she was doing her own "thang" and needed some space. Open to friendships, not a committed relationship. I understood this (I hope), but did not realize that meant complete (perceived) indifference to me.

I found it, and perhaps still do, hard to fathom that a week prior we were throwing a party for my friends, planning a trip for my birthday, talking about being physically intimate (she wanted to, I was / am open to whatever makes her comfortable), regular texts, caring conversations and lovely "good night darlings" everynight, and now for the last 36 hours she has not returned a text, call or email (just one of each, I was careful to try and not cross boundaries or appear suffocating).

She has never lied to me, has insisted I am amazing and everything she ever wanted, but simply does not want a commitment. She did not suggest she does not want to see me ever again, and mentioned on several occasions that I "deserve better" and of course the classic "It's not you, it's me" which may actually be true, for once.

Now, I suspect my best course of action is to give her space, support her when she needs it, and remain patient. That being said, is it detrimental to extend periodic messages of warmth, comfort and support along the way, and as well, should there be a "plan" in place so there is some possible "end" in sight, for how can one simply remain in limbo for eternity wondering if there ever will be a "relationship"

She has (apparently) begun counselling (after 8 years of trying to do it on her own), EMDR I believe and some psychiatry, but I can't verify this (and perhaps its not my business too).

Of course, no one can give me answers, only their experiences, and that's all I can ask for.

I definitely have my own insecurities and issues to deal with as well. I just find that this is a woman who has everything I am looking for (outside of the context of this terrible disease).

Cheers.

 

[KimberleeMarie]

should there be a "plan" in place so there is some possible "end" in sight, for how can one simply remain in limbo for eternity wondering if there ever will be a "relationship"

That is the thing about ptsd. As much as I would love to tell you there is an "end" I cannot.. Even if you are in a commutes relationship with a sufferer, you are still in Limbo. Some days or weeks or months she will probably be smitten by you, and seem like she's just fine, and one morning there is always the possibility of her waking up and telling you she doesn't want a relationship anymore and doesn't love you (although no one reallyy changes feelings like that so quickly) they still push people away when they get overwhelmed.

I have decided to stick by my fiancé even through this world in limbo that I live everyday and applaud anyone who would walk into a relationship knowing what's in store, as I was already engaged with a child by my fiancé before his ptsd symptoms showed up. They do need alot of support, but sometimes in order to support them you have to let them have their space, just make sure they know you are there when they are ready. I am not an expert by any means, but have been living with a ptsd sufferer for two years and am always learning more, and I am always available for anyone who want to talk.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thanks for the response. I suspect "end" was a poor choice of words. If an effort is being made to deal with and cope with the disorder in a healthy manner, that seems to be all one can ask for, myself included. I am empathetic by nature, but often my kind gestures make her uncomfortable. I am actually quite ready to at the very least try and understand the disease, and see if there is any type of future. I am acutely aware of the challenges, I suppose all I'd like to know is if this is something she is willing to do (i.e. develop some sort of relationship with me). Every indication suggests she does on a verbal level, but her actions dictate otherwise (distant). If the map doesn't agree with the ground, the map is wrong, I was once told. But in this case, perhaps the map itself (her mind) is not an accurate representation of what she wants? Is it the anxiety / PTSD speaking or making decisions for her, or is it her? I've been destroyed before in a relationship based on a brutal betrayal of trust, so I myself have some insecurities and concerns when it comes to relationships and my partners suddenly seemingly being disinterested. I was going over emails from just a couple of weeks ago, and things seemed so rosy and her adoration for me (and I for her) seemed palpable. And now she won't speak with me (and I have not tried to breach that boundary for the last 24 hours or so at all).

I do believe or suspect that she feels that "only" five or so weeks have been invested in the relationship so its probably "not that big a deal" to walk away or that I'd be crazy to want to continue being with her or offer support. There seems to be little logic in the thought processes, something I definitely have a difficult time grasping.

I am wondering if re-enforcing my stance of "not going anywhere" is something to be discussed, or if that will simply trigger a flight response even more so. It seems as though by staying with her, I seem to lose some "respect" in her eyes, when I would argue the latter, staying with her would be true to my moral compass and in my eyes, perhaps be the most respectful thing I can do (in the short term, anyways).

Thanks for the response. Cheers.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Logic? *scratches head*

Yes, logic can fly out the window. It's one of those things that alludes me.

I have a guy friend of sorts and lets just say that I've given him PLENTY of big reasons to walk away over the past 2+ years (he hasn't). But, if something minor happens, I'm convinced he's going to walk away, find someone better, etc. Yes, completely illogical. You'd think I'd learn by now....

Oh, and I'm a sufferer.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I'm a supporter and a sufferer. In the same relationship for 10 years.

There is a logic to the behaviors, it's just that it's ptsd logic. Not non-ptsd logic.

I'm madly in love with my supporter and sufferer. We both have our elongated moments. Both ptsd -- childhood onset. One recent "elongated moment" that lasted 3 months occured this winter-into-spring, during which I fell back into total numbness, hopelessness, and zombie-like behavior. I'm slowly coming out of it and just thanked my love, so much, for sticking with me.

After several good stresser with one big stresser, he went through a spell of a couple of months.

It's so hard to judge these things, even with the two of us working through to the better side of ptsd. I know it must be harder for those who don't have that same circuitry.

In all of it, however, every one has the right to good self-care, which means for you, too.

It's good you posted this thread.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think sufferers can support themselves, given sometimes the space to do it. Is it her, or the PTSD? In my experience as a 'sufferer' we ask ourselves (myself, anyway) the same question, and usually don't know the answer either ourselves. It can also be very logical, in the sense of looking at it from the perspective of disruption of memories, triggers etc. Does that make sense?

You sound very kind. Five weeks isn't very long. Can you say those things at 5 weeks with certainty? It's not worth the struggle for most people.

 

[Bilby]

Welcome mixtapeheartache :)

Now, I suspect my best course of action is to give her space, support her when she needs it, and remain patient. That being said, is it detrimental to extend periodic messages of warmth, comfort and support along the way, and as well, should there be a "plan" in place so there is some possible "end" in sight, for how can one simply remain in limbo for eternity wondering if there ever will be a "relationship"

It's difficult to know what's right, wrong or in-between when your relationship is so new, but from the way you word your posts here, I suspect you have been quite articulate with her, so there's quite a clear picture of how you feel about things at the present time.

I think it's wise to give her some space and time, but the occasional message to her to let her know you're thinking of her may be something to consider, but you may wish to think about the way you word said message. Considering many PTSD sufferers can become easily overwhelmed and may feel somewhat pressured by messages that as supporters, we know only come from a kind place, perhaps it may be more useful to send her a message about something non-relationship related, i.e. it might be something funny you've read or seen on the TV that you think she may find amusing too, or relate to. I'd be careful about doing this too often - you might like to think about how frequently you'll do this.

I think also, probably the best thing I can suggest to you is to ensure that you continue to do things that bring you enjoyment. Continue on with your hobbies and interests and try not to let the relationship be the centre of your world. It's important that you have your own interests and things that occupy you. In addition, perhaps think about how much communication it is that you need in your relationship - what is acceptable to you? Your needs are very important in this relationship too. If, over time, you feel that your needs with respect to communication aren't being met, then it might be time to re-assess where things are headed.

That said, your relationship is new, and I appreciate that. I guess I would just like to suggest to you that you tread carefully, and be mindful of what it is you need, as well as what she is going through. Relationships with sufferers of PTSD is certainly possible, but they can be hard work - but then again, all relationships are :)

Good luck.

B x

 

[mixtapeheartache]

First of all, many kind thanks to all.

"All the children of Adam are members of the same body. When one member suffers, all the others suffer as well. If you are indifferent to the suffering of others, you do not deserve to be called a man." • Muslih-ud-Din-Saddi

So, with that in mind, am I sure after 5 weeks I want to pursue a relationship with her? If I divorce myself from the PTSD, there simply is no question to ponder– yes, of course I do. That she has PTSD does not seem to be reason enough to abandon the situation, to me, at the moment anyways.

If a sufferer that I care about is making an effort to improve her quality of life, should I not try and do the same? I have actually begun seeing a counsellor myself to better understand my needs in a relationship, and perhaps to better understand what hers might be (in the context of PTSD).

I went through a divorce. My wife left me for another man, but prior to doing so, decided it would be a good idea to get pregnant first with his child (not mine). During this time, my father was dying from cancer. Not. So. Fun. That moment of betrayal has undoubtedly effected my ability to digest certain complexities in relationships, and exacerbate my own insecurities.

When my new partner goes from wanting to see me, planning future events, speaking / texting in adoration and so on, to not speaking at all within a span of 7 days, I become rather insecure about the reality of the matter. Perhaps she really doesn't like me? Perhaps this is a nice way of letting me down, or the only way she knows how? She has said over and over and over she isn't ready for a boyfriend, but when we're together, she sure treated me like one. Was it something I said? Do I smell funny?

I need some form of communication in a relationship. I need to feel somewhat secure. There must be boundaries, I think. But I am flexible. It's been 48 hours. This would be strange if I was in a "normal" relationship. Perhaps not so much when someone is having an episode due to PTSD? Thoughts, anyone?

If I know in my heart of hearts that my partner isn't going to betray my trust in the context of the institution of a monogamous relationship-- that they may need space but will always return -- I can handle that. One need not see or be with someone every waking hour to love them.

She has never been mean or derogatory or lied to me (that I can tell) in any manner– indifference has been the weapon of (no) choice. She had mentioned on several occasions recently that she could "barely stand to be with herself" let alone anyone else (yet she appears to be displaying this notion of "selective isolation" because she spends lots of time with her friend and at the dog park; this too is rather confusing as both of our dogs have become best friends). She also could not understand why I was so insecure-- I was so handsome, and smart and awesome and amazing-- "this has nothing to do with you, it is all me."

I suspect I must simply take her words as the honest truth, and leave it at that. It's just very difficult to comprehend, and leaves me wondering what my station is in the context of "us". Is this going to be a "me" or a "we" relationship, or any relationship at all?

My only real fear is this (I suspect): Not knowing if she really likes me and would like to be in a relationship with me. I understand if she is incapable of having a "traditional" relationship at the moment because of her PTSD, that is one thing, but to not want to be in one with me, or to all of a sudden not be attracted to me, outside of the context of her disease, is something that would haunt me for some time. For you see, all of the intimacies we shared, the kind gestures, words of warmth, that smitten look on her face-- they become nothing more than benign platitudes, fleeting moments of insincerity.

And that, my dear friends, is cause for a broken heart.

I went through some of the emails we sent over the last several weeks. Many times she said she was very excited to see me, or was making plans to see me, or she missed me, that I was amazing and so on and so on. I want to believe those sentiments were sincere...yet if they were, the map sure doesn't agree with the ground, now does it? It kinds on makes me feel a sense of loss of reality. Were they real words? Did those moments between us that were intimate happen the way I think they did? You begin to question your every recollection, movement, thought. Ruminating is a terrible, terrible thing. :)

I am considering a post of a letter I am pondering to write (and perhaps never send). Let me know if that would be appropriate or not to do.

Cheers.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I think I just stumbled upon what really is troubling me:

My own insecurities are causing a massive amount of anxiety and fear that she (is looking for or) will find and be with someone else during these episodes of isolation.

That's what haunts me, I think.

 

[nursenurse]

And that is entirely possible. I'm sorry for what you are going through. What i am amazed with is the number of stories here that sound like carbon copies of each other. here is the most common denominator in my eyes, the fact that these relationships are all so very young, and yet folks are professing their undying love after... a month? You haven't said that I understand, but the point of this in any relationship, PTSD or not, is TIME. TIME. TIME. And TIME again. You are already smitten, and possibly a bit lured by the chase, and who of us would not think "What is wrong with me?" when such pleasantries are exchanged at the very beginning of any relationship. But that is just the outer layers of the onion, there is so much more peeling to do.

Lay low, look after yourself, you are not committed yet in permanency terms, or you shouldn't be, she obviously isn't. If it is meant to be, it will happen. If it doesn't move on. While she is isolating, make sure your life is as full and rich as you possibly can, that is a key to any relationship. I hope, and I know, it will all work out the way it is meant to work out, in the end.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thank you.

"That is entirely possible." I suspect it is, anything is, really, but seems to me that type of behavior is treading into waters of sociopathy rather than PTSD, no? Based on context, that would suggest a complete disregard for the emotional well being of "the other". That is, there is / was no need to (even up to last week) assure me that I am "so amazing" and to be intimate with me to only be on the hunt for someone else.

This is definitely a bit of jumping in two-feet first. By nature, I generally go full-heart-on into a relationship. That being said, in context, we both have been taking it "slow". Seeing each other maybe a few times a week, not having sex, getting to know one another, but generally keeping contact on a daily basis via text or email or phone (until it completely and abruptly stopped now 48 hours ago).

She has assured me there is no-one else, and she is not looking, but my own past continues to haunt me (The "I've heard that before" syndrome). The only times in my life where such an abrupt departure from the current "norm" took place was because my partner was cheating on me.

I am definitely guilty of a "Jesus Complex" or perhaps allured by the chase. But I sure don't like the feelings that come with it. I am 38 years old (almost) and desire companionship and a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I got to the inside core of the onion first– seeing her kindness, warmth, empathy and adoration, and beauty– then the layers seem to have been put back on and now the onion in closed up tighter than a snare drum. All I see is indifference (albiet by her own admission, not purposeful).

Agreed--- time, time and more time. There is this notion of scarcity in the industrial system. Never enough, too much, too slow, too fast. Whether I meet someone for a minute, an hour, a day, or a year, does the value or the impact of that contact necessarily correlate to "time"?

After our first few dates, I new that this was someone that could be a potential long term partner-- I still do -- that this person suffers from PTSD seems to have only thrown me for a loop, albeit a rather large one. Each and every week that passed we got closer and closer, at a timid pace. Now she's gone. If I can understand, and if it is true, that this is the PTSD and not some terrible act of betrayal, I suspect I could sleep at night. She can't commit to being "my girlfriend". Cool beans. It's all semantics. It's obvious we have been dating for 5 or so weeks and she cares about me and I her. Why walk away from that?

Time, time, and more time.

I just want to give her a hug and let time stand still, if only for a moment.

 

[nursenurse]

Because it is only five weeks. You don't have to walk away, but neither live in the hole of what may happen.If she chooses to come back she will. Meanwhile, time stands still for no one. Live your life.