Suggestions Wanted For Bullying Event

[Seasounds]

I'm looking for support and ideas to implement, that may bring me, closer, to point of safety/resolution (so individual, isn't it?) to a recent bullying event.

Situation: A co-worker, after accepting my apology for not returning her pen, brought up her unresolved feeling of being violated, in front of customers.

"I am going to slap you around, if you do that again."
(Something my abusive parents SAID and DID.)

Feeling threatened (aware of trigger) and infuriated (by unprofessional and threatening behavior), i took action within 10 minutes. I both notified my manager and spoke to the bully directly. "I did not like what you said." "What you said was disrespectful."
The bully apologized. (So politically correct, and time will tell if new behavior arises.)

Two days later, after noticing that I disassociate with the bully in my proximity, I asked my manager to consider assigning the bully elsewhere. My manager said she did not want to do this, and instead offered her solution. "Just pretend it DIDN'T happen."
(I couldn't believe I heard this archaic instruction of denial.)

I realized my manager had little emotional Intelligence. My reply, "I choose to remember things, and to treat it as condition 'that is' to solve." My manager corrected her stupid utterance and did not give any other solution. I offered, in dry humor, "I will always have a spare pen, and I will avoid her."

But after listening to my body, I need more, to feel safe. I would like more protection. Maybe I'm just waiting for my flight or fight response to wind down.
I truly am beginning to understand why people carry knives in their pockets!

So far, I have:

• Expressed emotions from the past trauma.
• Used a mindbody integrative version of the Alexander Technique, to help me be associated in the bully's presence.
• Got support from friends.
• Used my imagination, seeing myself winning any challenge from her (from using my self-defence skills).
• Practiced the Focusing Technique. (Identifying feelings, wants, needs.)

What you of all done, to help you feel safe in the proximity of someone,whom has triggered you, and whom you still feel threatened by?

Thank you for sharing your ideas.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Bullying people is a very despicable thing to practice on you. I feel for you. I have learned that it really tears and wears you down as this has happened to me.

I am learning that the best response is no response at all. I know that she is pushing your buttons and it is all too familiar to get no support from co workers in this problem.

You are on your own.

I have found that ignoring their words even though they sting and hurt is helping you in that she is not getting a rise out of you so she can twist it and make it about you and present herself as the victim.

My heart goes out to you. You may have to choose to get another job.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow. Someone who threatens physical violence like that - I mean technically, that is a crime. It's really terrible your manager did not take more action, and it is horrible she told you to ignore it. I would be inclined to go above the manager or talk to HR, but that could create a lot of conflict with the manager themselves. It's a tough situation you are in.

Your reaction sounds very normal and very appropriate. They threatened you in front of customers no less, which had to be uncomfortable for them as well. Your manager has an option of reassigning them but failed to exercise that solution. You could ask your manager to reassign you.

Otherwise, you have taken many great steps to work through this already.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe this is totally out in left field but sometimes it helps me to pity these kinds of people. Now don't get me wrong, I HATE the type of "I am better than you attitude" courtesy of growing up with a narcissistic mother and grandfather, nor do I actually think I am better than anybody, however, sometimes playing this little mind game can help me out in situations where the other persons behavior is totally ridiculous.

My thinking would go something like this... "REALLY?!?! A freaking PEN!?! UGH, how SAD is it that she actually feels 'violated' over a borrowed pen that was MISTAKENLY not returned? I mean c'mon, being violated is more along the lines of 'hey, I was walking down the street and this total stranger sucker punched me for no reason!'....not, 'I didn't have my $0.59 ink pen returned to me!' And honestly, if her pen was THAT freakin' valuable to her, what was she doing lending it out?"

Like I said, I really hate this kind of thinking because I don't actually think I'm better than anybody else, but sometimes it helps me to turn the power scale in my mind so that I can feel more in control and less affected by the irrational (and oftentimes pathetic) behavior of others.

Edited to add....
I don't actually SAY anything to these people, rather I think this in my own head and it lets me get through the triggering moment. Actually saying something to these bullies would just fuel the fire and they don't deserve a second of your time....err, they don't even deserve to be acknowledged. Yes, in your mind you are very much dealing with the issue, but she doesn't need to know this!

 

[Powder]

Is this person a bully in other ways as well, or was this the only incident?

As a personnel manager, I would suggest that you keep a log of the incidents, and ask those who have also been bullied to do the same. It is good to keep a digital log that is password protected on your personal laptop or tablet.

This is because it is date/time stamped and will accurately document WHAT? WHO? WHERE? WHEN? HOW? WITNESSES? Also include the actions you took, when, with whom, and what they said or the resolution, if any, was.

If the person gets worse, this log can be printed and taken to a meeting with HR or the manager. I would inform the supervisor of ANY incidents and also that you are keeping a log, so there wouldn't be any surprises or accusations of insubordination on your part. They were informed.

If harassment is occurring, or bullying, then it has to be reported to HR after the supervisor is informed. If the supervisor doesn't notify HR, you should because it is expected. Companies that employ more than 300 employees are bound by law to investigate and take action on all sexual harassment cases and bullying. The company does not want to be vulnerable to a lawsuit and will usually be grateful that someone did right and informed them.

However, if this is an isolated incident, just log it and add to the log if any kind of retaliation occurs.

I hope that is the end of it, but if not, you will feel more able to take care of yourself with the log. It will also help you to feel better to get it written down and see it in writing; it's validating at least.

 

[Jezanna]

This I realize is a quirky response but I would have gone to the dollar store and bought ten $ in pens and left them with her. Yeah I'm immature.

 

[ghotiff]

A horrible situation.

What you of all done, to help you feel safe

Can I ask do you know what you are 'afraid' of. For example; are you afraid of responding inappropriately (eg responding by freezing or yelling or physically attacking). For me, if I can work out the details of what I am actually afraid of I can then come up with a plan to counter it, eg for me I tend to worry about freezing so my plan would be to have a pre-prepared comment to make which is polite but firm followed by an exit strategy to go somewhere else (eg bathroom) to calm down. This type of plan tends to help me avoid a freeze response.

Hope that helps.

 

[Seasounds]

Thank you all, everything you said was very helpful! I have encorporated them: preparing words, documenting, keeping my ears open for other positions, and identifying what I am really afraid of.

This time round, the words "I'll slap you around", triggered a host of childhood beatings. I was afraid of being beaten up, and my PTSD brain dynamics were strong enough that I couldn't shift out of it. (Logically understood past triggere floating the present.) Each trigger takes different lengths of time, to shift down.

In therapy, I was able to express the original trigger; this helped a lot-got the pus out of the old wound, which cleared up the present wound. Then I expressed anger, and then I determined the additional actions I could take (your suggestions). My Provider, who needed to write a sick note for me-FMLA PTSD, addressed his letter to both my manager and HR-who had been informed. His implied message, in his note-mentioning my condition was aggravated by recent events, was 'what is going on'?

In the end, the mixture of being pro-active with a plan (above replies in the thread), my session, and my Provider's s letter, allowed me to reclaim my psychic and physical safety. I was able to go back to work and be myself.

My manager told me HR would be coming to do 'education' at a staff meeting: I'll count on me, not them!