Suicide Obssessed... Anyone Else And What To Do?

[digger]

Wish someone was here... Anyone...

Hi @imok - not sure if by 'here' you mean in your home, or here on the forum? If it's the latter, and you are mostly just needing some company/distractions at that point, rather than thread discussion type stuff, there are quite often people in the chat room at all hours, if you haven't checked it out already.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Yes it seems like I have a need to be distracted right until the second I fall asleep. I simply do not safe. I don't feel safe in this world, I've lost so much and been traumatized so many times and the hypervigilance is always there, always on the edge of my seat. I don't feel safe during the day but at night it's by far worse.... When all is quiet, when everything has to be shut off for bed, I can't bear it. The suicidal thoughts and grief and fear are non-stop.
(Can't sleep with radio or fan...)
Yes, it sure would be. Ice to talk to someone every night before bed. I don't know how to use a chat room....

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Also, transcranial shrink didn't call...

 

[Peach]

I have to have my box fan on to sleep. I don't like hearing myself breathe...and it's just too darn hot!

Sorry to hear about the doctor. Figures. :( Maybe tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

There is a "chat" button at the top of this page where you'd click on Home or Forums. Go there and the current conversation comes up with a text box for you. You can jump right in. Looks like 5+ people on right now.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Thanks Peach. Unfortunate I'm pretty unrefined in the computer world! Now let's see if I can figure it out or remember how to socialize and talk like a human being to other people....

 

[Peach]

Nah, you seem to be doing a fantastic job on both fronts.:D

 

[illusionist]

Imok....know how you feel. I often look at chat and try to 'teach' myself how to be sociable...feel tempted then back out......one day!!

 

[Yugogypsy]

I was in the position of having NO one for support... Friends just dropped out because they don't know what to do about it or how to go about it. Family members ticked me off about "knowing ALL about ME" after not seeing them for years. It was as if they owned me, an "expert", knowing ALL about me when I own myself. I tried to tell them who I really am and I get dismissed, having them to tell me "No, no, that's not you"...I've had instances when I told my husband - NO hospitals!!! Burn my ashes and do not have any funeral! Do NOT prolong my life! I don't want to be a vegetable for whatever reasons. I do not want to go into the hospitals to have people tell me that I don't need interpreters like the f*ck they know all about me.

My husband and I have PTSD and yes, have gone through these phases during the darkest hours. Mainly, distractions, distractions, distractions, distractions works even telling others. I'm Deaf and I'm always feeling like I don't exist. My stories aren't important. My life aren't important. I'm somebody's grandma, somebody's wife and somebody's (insert relation)....Even some people have said that to my face and it's enough trigger to dump them and walk out - red flags of people who are ignorant about Deaf culture and ASL. I used to feel that I'm a no body... I'm slowly developing support around here.

Recently, a family member, a 14 year old, committed suicide (have attempted prior to this) - it tore the mother's heart out because they knew all about suicide prevention and they have awesome support throughout the transition phase. It's just too painfully hard to get through. We're both triggered by this recent event.

 

[Ahhlia]

You know what I do when I get in that suicidal head space..
I get a project started to tell myself I can't until I do.... (something that
will take time like have my taxes done)
Usually after a few weeks or or months I am out of that space

It will come back, yeah but I find something else.
I can't kill myself until I ... clean and organize my files
or go through my pictures - organize my closet..
and again the suicide thoughts will go after some time has
passed .

I have now relied on taking online classes that take weeks to finish
They are free and pulls my head out of the suicide thoughts
to something else... You can find free online classes
of various subjects. Two weeks ago I finished one online advertising
and in one now on Creative writing.. though I am a few weeks behind
because my thoughts get confused and get writers block.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

@Ahhlia yeah I can somewhat relate to that. Only it's not me pre-planning things that will keep me here (alive), it's usually circumstances beyond my control. Like weeks ago I was hired to watch someone's house for weeks... It somewhat made me mad because it was 'forcing' me to stay but I really didn't want to let these people down or leave their home unattended.

There are some huge factors I can't cope with or am tired of trying to cope with, feel beaten into the ground by or feel hopeless about... One- zero money. All utilities will be cut off, water, electric, phone, you name it. Have never been in this financial position in my life... I now wake up and feel like I can't breathe, feel like I'm choking... That there is no money... My thoughts are that when everything is cut off, I'm a goner.

#2- Often not sleeping. When I've slept for two hrs each night for 3 or more days, I wish I was dead, this sleeping crap has been going on for years and when I'm on a roll I truly feel like I can't take it anymore, won't take it any more.

#3- I've lost everyone. 1/2 of them are dead. The other half I've lost b/c of depression and PTSD, how PTSD has changed me, also I was so depressed for so longer and had zero energy to invest in anyone, so depressed I truly didn't care that I was losing people left right and centre. Now? I care that I've lost them but it's too late. Plus I'm not the same person anymore... I'm not happy, I'm not me. I don't even recognize me.

There are some moments in some days now where I actually do not feel depressed but then I realize that I have no one...
I simply do not know how to make friends anymore... Plus I have agoraphobia ... Maybe a 7 or 8 on a scale of 10.
*Plus the very harsh and painful reality is that regular people out there are NOT interested in making friends with someone who doesn't have a job, is struggling with everything, who is hopeless and beaten down, who has no family, who doesn't sleep... I'm STARVING for people, HUMAN INTERACTION, conversation, but most of the time I'm utterly miserable with little sleep. Remember your last most tired day? Well imagine 5 of those a week or actually trying to develop a friendship in that condition. Tired, bitchy, plain miserable and to make a new friend in that condition? Not gonna happen.
Those are my 3 haunts. Zero money, no sleep and no humans.

The last exchange of words I had was with this shrinks secretary. The last time before that I exchanged a few words with someone in a sleep lab. Before that, maybe another week - had a few words with someone else. So if I'm lucky I'll exchange maybe 5-10 sentences with a complete stranger once a week or ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS. I feel INSANE from no relationships, no conversation, no human contact. NO ONE to call or go see... Im alone all the time, very day and night of the week. I cannot live like this.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I have been trying sell my wedding rings for groceries and bills. Cannot find a buyer...

 

[joeylittle]

@imok, there's something that I've done when I've been ultra-isolated, and I've read of other members on the forum doing it as well. Find a group. I don't know Canada like I know the US, but usually, there are always groups. Especially 12-step groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous. But there are usually depression groups as well. Being alone with this stuff is just so, so hard - and that human contact thing, that you are so right to be aware of, is really important. Another option could be volunteering. I know how much that sentence makes me cringe ("why don't you try volunteering"? Because I'm too tired and depressed, is the response in my head), but I've done it when there was no other way for me to have contact with other people, and it really did help. Both in terms of people, and in terms of being a decent distraction, to keep my mind off the other stuff.

I'm really sorry about your money troubles. Is there any kind of social assistance available to you, just to try and minimize the pressure of that burden?

And do you all have pawn shops? It could be an easier option than actually selling the rings...

Anyway, these are all just thoughts. Keep posting, we are still always listening.