Suicide the ultimate avoidance

[somerandomguy]

I’m grieving a lost life as well as my best friend. Hard to explain.

Those are things well worth grieving.

 

[osiris]

All I do is f*cking cry or f*cking shout.
My whole body is in knots feeling anxious through the floor and ceiling all at once, and I’m not feeling safe.
I *am* safe - not going to stick that on you, wouldn’t be here posting if I was about to end it - but I’m spiraling.

 

[bellbird]

I’m spiraling

Could it be time for an inpatient stay? :hug:

 

[osiris]

Could it be time for an inpatient stay? :hug:

No

 

[MrMoonlight]

You are here and safe nobody is going to hurt you now. You are a survivor and badass. Please use your tools maybe distractions or grounding. Sittin' with you...big ol' protective hugs.

 

[osiris]

Could it be time for an inpatient stay? :hug:

Sorry @bellbird my sudden no response was rather rude.
But no, like, its never going to happen. I talked my way out of being sectioned in my twenties and I am never going in. I would die in there. Anything, even this, would be better than that. I’d lose my career for a start, and although it’s totally shit at the moment I have to hope that one day things will improve, especially if I move employer or country.
Sorry. I appreciate that your comment came from a kind place though.

 

[osiris]

You are here and safe nobody is going to hurt you now. You are a survivor and badass. Please use your tools maybe distractions or grounding. Sittin' with you...big ol' protective hugs.

Thank you.
Trying....

 

[Ronin]

Ok so if inpatient a no go:

What sort of *care* would you need from inpatient, a. (Figure all areas that need care.)

And where do you *get* that care outside of hospital?

Needs only a.
We can help brainstorm the b.

And: What slows down the spiral?
Figuring 'stops' it is not doable or known - or you would have done it already - so aiming for slow down *and* preventing or mitigating the damage.

ETA Things that can help figuring care... What would you need your friend does, what makes everything alright for a minute?

 

[osiris]

Hey Ro,

Need space to talk. Think that’s what’s doing my head in most. Because so much is trapped and trusting anyone is f*cking hard after all these silent years. I’ve started to share in my trauma diary so it’s a start.

I need time off work to try and find some balance.

I need some IRL support but that’s the hardest and probably only going to get my T there.

I need to stop wanting to self harm all day long. I have packed the blades away but they are still there.

I need to eat and exercise and give myself a shot. But it’s f*cking hard and I don’t know if I can do it.

 

[osiris]

And f*ck it I need to laugh.

 

[Ronin]

Okay so I'd start with the laugh, things bringing light to all else :sneaky:

Do jokes sites help?
Or we could think up terrible funny revenges for work place :sneaky: I betcha Bully Bitch would look terrible with a second head... and be as useless f*cker as with the one had already... what kinda animal head would most suit that type?

And that mean lackey, what kinda animal head hat for them? ;)

While at it, I'll also grab one. I'd be a parrot. Some shiiny kind. Because piiirates! Trashtalking passing by ships & telling the crew to leave their gold aloone, joys. :happy:

 

[osiris]

And: What slows down the spiral?
Figuring 'stops' it is not doable or known - or you would have done it already - so aiming for slow down *and* preventing or mitigating the damage.

ETA Things that can help figuring care... What would you need your friend does, what makes everything alright for a minute?

I’m genuinely not sure what stops the spiral. The PSTD is since everything with the bully, so processes I used before that with not harming myself etc are feeling pretty useless right now. Its like I have to learn to walk again.

Listening to music has helped a bit which is why I look like I’m spamming the music thread. But that makes me miss my best friend too.
She made me laugh. And she made me feel understood.

When I was off work on Friday no one cared at all. She would have sent me stupid messages to get through the day.

Its all such a f*cking mess.
I need to stop making plans coz they don’t help.