Supporter Seeking Feedback From Sufferers - How Bad Is This, Really?

[Cult]

She sounds like she might have problems with depression. She lost her job 3 years ago, it might have made her depressed.

But I do understand where you are coming from. You can't deal with everything.

Thanks, Ayesha. My partner never processed the emotions surrounding her attack. It took us being together 10 years before she even told me that she was raped. She is starting to deal with it now. She is getting treatment at a crisis center and they are administering some psychological assessments to her on her next visit. However she has ALWAYS been shut down. So in a sense you can say she has carried scars this whole time, I just did not know what they were/realize it.

She does have problems with depression. That is also true. The job loss added to it, and the fact that she hasn't really worked since has just made it worse. She has never had a good work experience since to help her recover. And I appreciate your affirmation that I am not superwoman and can't do everything by myself. When I do, things get messed up. I'm getting help for myself and it is helping a lot. It is why I am finally coming out of my own denial that our current way of life is OK.

 

[Cult]

I would recommend some joint sessions or ask for some time with her therapists before airing your concerns if you're really invested in a marital partnership.

Great observations and feedback. Why do you feel time with her therapists would be beneficial? I am invested in a marital partnership as long as it can be on a more equal level than has been/is currently the case.

 

[The Albatross]

Well she is shut down most of the time, I doubt that initiating this type of multifaceted discussion would help anything unless she is in a stable place or is in a "safe" environment for a perhaps mediated exchange. You have listed a few serious items:
1. depression
2. unemployment
3. expense of therapeutic support
4. a shift in the pattern and quality of sexual contact

add

5. I am invested in a marital partnership as long as it can be on a more equal level than has been/is currently the case

and that would be potentially troubling for almost anyone whether they had PTSD or not.

 

[The Albatross]

I am not saying that you are unjustified in your feelings Cult. You certainly are. But one on one (together) without mediation there has been a continued pattern of deterioration. Not an improvement. I think some couples counseling via one of her therapists might be in order to let your partner know the ways that this situation is affecting you.

 

[NickG13079]

I suffered a sexual assault (at gun point) & slowly lost my fiance b/c of it for similar reasons you are describing. We met before the assault so it is very different in that way. I radically changed after the assault. My entire personality changed from outgoing to terrified, etc... We had a very healthy sex life to the point we averaged about 4 times a day for years up until the assault. She was very supportive and understanding, but I would jump when she would touch me. Every time we tried to be affectionate or intimate, it would trigger something in me and I just pulled away more & more. After 3 years she could not take it anymore & read this behavior as though I did not love her anymore. When nothing could have been further from the truth.

If I had known then what I know now- I would have gone to therapy with her. It was impossible for me to understand what was happening to me.. so I imagine it was much worse for her to understand. A therapist can help you understand how to be with someone who is coping with PTSD. My current therapist is great & has offered to have her come in for sessions to understand me & how it is not her. Unfortunately I found him too late & it is over between us now.

Depression & anxiety go with the turf of having PTSD. With myself I pulled back more & more from society to the point that I am incapable of having a job unless I could do it from home. The agoraphobia is too much. I have a lot of avoidance with my PTSD, so since she will not talk to you about it.. I would DEF not take that personally. I try to NEVER EVER talk about it. I went through several therapists before I found one I was comfortable with.

My opinion is pressing her about the money will likely just stress her out more. I want to be productive. I want my life back.. some things just take time & unfortunately for me (a lot of time). I only suppressed it for a couple of years before getting help & the longer the suppression, the harder it is. I do have a potential suggestion (and I apologize if someone else has said this as I only read what you write, not the comments of others).. If she is diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, Agoraphobia, etc.. she may qualify for disability. I know it is not much money wise compared to working full time, but it may help get you guys through until she can function again. My understanding is a social worker can help her through the process of getting on disability. I know with myself even the most mundane tasks can seem monumental. So it helps to have someone who specializes guide you through the process I imagine.

Making sure she is very comfortable with her therapist is key. I had to learn to just switch when I realized I did not connect with them & I went through so many before finding the guy I see now. I believe a combination of meds and psychotherapy is the best chance for myself ever getting my life back. For example, the night terrors made me NEVER want to sleep- if I did not take meds for that, I would be very ill. I was sleeping so little b/c I was afraid to dream- I was getting really ill b/c my immune system was shutting down on me. EMDR therapy is a great tool.. I had to table it b/c I was having violent reactions to it. A good therapist will know when it is too much for you. Another thing that really helps me when I get violently sick from a trigger is grounding myself using the 5 senses. I stick my hand in a bucket of ice water (touch) & suck on sour balls (it is a candy- not an innuendo) (taste). I have not tried smell yet, but heard it works. And learning how to diagrammatically breath was invaluable to me. It significantly helped me lessen the severity of my anxiety attacks. There are "in the moment exercises" that may help her. They have not done much for me... but I am not the best at practicing them. I am just telling you all this so you can potentially help in her recovery. I hope her therapist is teaching her these coping mechanisms.

Best of luck & I know your pain (just from a different perspective).

 

[Cult]

I am not saying that you are unjustified in your feelings Cult. You certainly are. But one on one (together) without mediation there has been a continued pattern of deterioration. Not an improvement. I think some couples counseling via one of her therapists might be in order to let your partner know the ways that this situation is affecting you.

Excellent point. I am absorbing everything you are all saying. I really, really do love my partner and I want us to remain together forever if we can. My codependency is the true culprit when it comes to the financial mess, really. I was unable to set boundaries and things deteriorated from there.

She is telling me she loves me, that none of this is about me, etc. Have to admit that I really fought the reality of the situation ie; that she is no longer the same person she once was. She was always so loving, our sex life was great, etc. and now .... that is all gone and I am left with only the burdensome, troubling aspects. At the same time, I have compassion and empathy for her. I love her after all, she is my partner for a reason. We were together 10 years before I learned of the attack, though it happened 10 years before we met.

I am going to take my time. I do want to be there for her. I know she needs me. She has spoken of getting a job soon but tends to get sucked in to the demands of her sister who has three toddler children, each one year apart. The sister needs a lot of help and usually my partner is the one doing the helping.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Cult, I'm sorry if this is a bit all over the place, but I agree with Albatross.

I was thinking, could it be possible, that you, she and her sister could negotiate an arrangment of sorts, whereby the sister could compensate her for child care, etc duties? Am just thinking, she is already doing this, it is 'work' as such, so she knows she can do it without the demands of an entirely new job, as she sounds quite overwhelmed at the moment. Perhaps if her sister knew that that was the only option, vs your SO working outside the home, she might agree?

I can only say, and this is JMHO of course, but I have been described a lot as 'shut down'. However, it was only after getting an abused dog described as the same, that I am starting to (possibly) understand what that meant, by understanding and seeing her. I can say that, a large part that figures within it is the tendency to not fight for one's own rights, or attention, or needs, which normally would come somewhat naturally. When something 'happens', to simply go on and not fight for it's continuance, or really your own survival. Relationships would be included (while shut down). Withdrawl, really. Does that make sense?

It truly can get better, the problem I think too is that it may be 20 years ago, but when it surfaces the wound becomes in-the-moment-presently-occurring fresh. It 'feels' like 'now'.

I hope that you can get support and help and a break. Please also be kind to yourself.

PS, welcome to the forum, best wishes.

 

[Cult]

Thank you Junebug for this wonderful reply. I am getting a lot of perspective. Again, I love my partner and want to support her. I also need to break my codependent patterns. I am sure we can do both and I hope very much we can remain together throughout. I really, really do love her.

 

[rightkindofme]

If you can't financially carry the household you can't. That's just a plain fact of life. A lot of people with mental illness end up homeless because they cannot work and support themselves. The reasons are so complex I can't begin to summarize them.

What I would do is sit down with my budget and decide what I can afford. I would not involve her in this conversation because there would be guilt and awful. She is clearly not acting like a partner right now and I need to take care of me whether she likes it or not. I would write it all out on paper in simple and sparse language so it isn't misinterpreted. "I can afford to pay $x/month on rent. That means down sizing in apartment size. We collectively have too much stuff for an apartment I can afford. I am not ok with giving up more than I have already given up for this relationship. Either you need to start contributing financially within three months to such a level that we can support our current lifestyle or I will need to move and you need to find somewhere else to live."

That is if I was being all nice and non-combative. I try for that and usually fail. Ha.

I have a lot of attachment issues. I'm like a stray cat. I will only stay if you make it worth my while. I won't stay with someone who treats me badly. I don't really care if someone "really means" to hurt me or not. I care if I am being hurt. I'm the only one who can evaluate if that is happening and I just won't let people hurt me any more. I'm done. Enough hurt.

 

[Nicolette]

But I am going to point out that many of the sufferers on this forum don't have jobs.

Bit late on the response but I wanted to say I know high functioning Sufferers who do work and some from here who have improved, gone on to work and no longer need the constant support of the forum.

 

[InHell11]

It sounds like it could very well be PTSD related, but I can understand you can't afford all the bills on your own. Have you thought of maybe discussing getting on Disability with her? If her symptoms are preventing her from functioning well enough for work its certainly worth a try. And then she'd be able to bring in a bit more money to help with expenses.

I guess I would say its probably best to try and be gentle about it, like do your best to give the impression you care and want to help and don't just care about the money. If she's a good partner I would imagine she realizes on some level you are both responsible for the expenses and even feels badly about not being able to contribute much. I can understand how it is not to be functional enough to work, though with me it wasn't after years of working I've never really been well enough to hold a job. Either way it really sucks though because you want to contribute at least to the people you care about and you want to be doing something with your life but then theres the debilitating symptoms.

Also perhaps it might become necessarily to look for a lower cost living arrangement...since Disability would take a while and it might not be a hell of a lot of money. I mean realistically she might not 'recover' so that might be something you have to consider, but it would be good to encourage her to at least make an effort not to slip any further and find ways of making life bearable.

 

[Cult]

Thanks so much everyone. I took a big step forward today and started to let my partner know that I am not just a doormat and that I do have boundaries and limits. We were talking about next week's plans. She wanted to spend two days with her sister and then go out of town to visit a friend. I knew she was planning to visit the friend, and she usually spends two days with her sister. If she were to do that in this case, though, I'd see her for just one day in a one week span. And I very politely and respectfully, but firmly, told her that it was not acceptable for her to spend that little time with me and that I had to be more of a priority than her sister. She did not have any response but she did seem to hear me.

Just the fact that I said these words is a big step for me. I usually just accept whatever she decides to do (like decide she was never going to work again after her layoff). Now we will see if her behavior changes or not and we will go from there. I am sure I will be here posting about whatever happens.

We spent a few hours together today, and then she left to babysit for the neighbor overnight. I will see her again tomorrow in the late afternoon/early evening. This morning we hugged tightly for a very long time and she burst into tears during our embrace, but she did not say anything. I'm trying to respect her need to "not process" all of the time. At the same time some things do need to be said. Your feedback has been and continues to be just invaluable.

I know my partner loves me. She is just so far gone right now that she's not really reachable. I still have to figure out where my boundaries lie and how to best protect them, but I think today was a good start. Happy Mother's Day to everyone here who falls into that category. :)