Supporter Seeking Feedback From Sufferers - How Bad Is This, Really?

[Cult]

The problem as I see it is that the original problem, the unemployment was overlooked until she disclosed the trauma. Is it the additional burden of two therapists? Or is it that she has not been able to financially contribute to your household or both?

It seems as though the sexual aspect of this may have upset the apple cart as much for you as it did for her. The thing about a marriage is that things need to be communicated and decided mutually.

Albatross, you are so right about both of these points in particular. As I have said, I am taking accountability for being a black belt codependent. I am taking responsibility for knowingly (and intentionally) creating a situation where she had permission not to work and not to show up for the relationship. Now, my friends have said many times over the last few years that they can't believe that she, of her own volition, did not INSIST on working. That is for my partner to consider and perhaps accept accountability for in some way. Maybe it was an early symptom of the deeper issues which have come out recently. I can own only my own actions.

My intentions were good in some ways. I thought I was giving her what she wanted and never having been in this situation before, and not having a crystal ball, I had no idea that I was basically giving the relationship a poison pill by doing this. And I certainly had no idea that the extended period of unemployment would lead me to a life of deprivation and very, very serious financial problems and would also cause my partner to fall even more deeply into despair. But now that I know it is time to fix it as best as possible.

We are fortunate in that one of my wife's therapists is actually free of charge and the other is a nominal fee (15/week). I am very happy to pay for her therapy and she has been doing enough odd jobs lately that she can frequently take care of that herself.

And you are also right that the flashback and its impact on our romantic/sexual relationship is what caused a huge change in our relationship. We were always very romantic and sexual so for that aspect of our relationship to disappear is HUGE.

 

[Cult]

Thanks so much everyone. I took a big step forward today and started to let my partner know that I am not just a doormat and that I do have boundaries and limits. We were talking about next week's plans. She wanted to spend two days with her sister and then go out of town to visit a friend. I knew she was planning to visit the friend, and she usually spends two days with her sister. If she were to do that in this case, though, I'd see her for just one day in a one week span. And I very politely and respectfully, but firmly, told her that it was not acceptable for her to spend that little time with me and that I had to be more of a priority than her sister. She did not have any response but she did seem to hear me.

Just the fact that I said these words is a big step for me. I usually just accept whatever she decides to do (like decide she was never going to work again after her layoff). Now we will see if her behavior changes or not and we will go from there. I am sure I will be here posting about whatever happens.

Just an update as to what happened with my attempt to start setting my boundaries per the quote above. My partner did exactly what she wanted to do - left to go be with her sister. I took a personal day yesterday and we spent the first half of the day together. We actually had a pretty nice time, but the fact remains that I set a boundary (that she spend time with me instead of her sister) and she did not acknowledge it, discuss it, or act upon it. Actually, she did act upon it. She chose not to respect that boundary. The fact that I took a personal day does not change the fact that my request was not important enough to her, for her to respect it.

Many of you have told me that PTSD, depression, whatever....that none of it excuses bad behavior. My partner is having a lot of memory problems due to her PTSD and depression. She refuses to talk about anything with me. When I try she leaves the house, screams at me, etc...she's totally unwilling to engage with me at all around our relationship. I am starting to feel like maybe she wants to break up but does not have the courage to actually tell me. I am starting to feel like it's not OK for me to be treated badly, and that maybe I want to break up.

The reality I have to face for now is this: I set a boundary and she transgressed it. Now what do I do? I can't talk to her because she a) won't listen and b) is basically never home anymore. I am thinking that I will write a letter, although I don't know exactly how I feel, what I want or what I will say.

 

[pie]

I have to say that I am very proud of you for setting your own boundary. I know this was a big step for you even though the outcome wasn't all that great. But you do deserve a pat on the back.

Maybe writing her a letter (as you mentioned) would be a good try. Perhaps if nothing else comes of it, you at least might get a small piece of mind that you tried.

 

[rightkindofme]

One of the most important things to remember about dealing with people who are not responding respectfully--never bluff. If you set a boundary there must be a consequence or you are wasting your breath.

I'm sorry things aren't improving.

 

[Cult]

I am very sad today. This just sucks.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I said this in the other thread.

That's not exactly a boundary, I see it more as manipulation. You can't say oh well I TOLD her to change her plans at the last minute and stay with me and she didn't so she violated my boundary! She may not have responded in the best way but don't go crying boundary foul because a manipulation tactic didn't work. I'm surprised (then again not surprised) that everyone else is patting you on the back for good boundary setting.

 

[Cult]

This is exactly the kind of feedback I need. I suck at boundaries, I don't understand how to set them in a healthy way, and usually they do end up being power plays or manipulations. This is what I am working on in my own self-help/therapy. Thank you for clocking me on this, I needed to hear it (sincerely, not sarcastically).

 

[The Albatross]

Keep consistently setting boundaries, and go to the library and learn about "boundary setting". Boundaries will be tested, but basically we teach people how to treat us. People have every right to expect that what habitually worked for them "before" will work for them sometimes no matter what we say. The whole thing about the process of boundary setting is to learn how to communicate them and eventually be able to say which ones are non-negotiable and to sit down and have a discussion and hear both sides to compromise. Never set a boundary without being prepared to back it up with a consequence IF (big "if") it is non negotiable.

Looks like communication breakdown can be added to the list of difficulties in your relationship, though I am sorry you took time away from work and were disappointed. It is a heck of a wake up call at times to see where our relationships are.

 

[p-no]

Cult, I don't think it is manipulation. But I think you are kidding yourself if you expect someone to act the way you want them to and if that one choice the other can make is the only choice you give them.

What I mean is that you told her what was important to you and from what I understand she did not just not follow your lead, but also she didn't make use of any other options there were. Instead of just doing what you told her you wanted her to do (spend time with you, not her sister), she could have chosen also to just talk to you about this. There are shades of grey that from what you have written I think you both might not see.

I wouldn't even go so far as to say what you did is set up a boundary. You expressed a need/want/wish (you name it), voiced something that is important for you, and she disregarded it completely (correct me, if I have misunderstood).

A boundary, in my view, is something that limits something, i.e. a fence limiting the area that you own around your house. Seeing that fence, others know, the inside of it is yours; they cannot trespass, and if they do, have to expect consequences.

Setting boundaries also needs informing the other of what they are and what the consequences are. But a relationship is not black and white, so, with relationships, a certain flexibility may apply depending on the (we Germans say) "quality" of the relationship.

I'd suggest reading up on the topic. There are some good books out there. One that I'm currently rereading is "Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin" by Anne Katherine, M.A.

Good luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Cult, I agree with prime-no, I wouldn't consider that a boundary exactly, but you're on the right track. I say this only because I am or have been like you describe. (I am a sufferer but have a relative who is possibly undiagnosed; if nothing else I need strong boundaries and am trying).

To have boundaries, first you have to establish what is unacceptable to you. Being co-dependent (I myself as well), that means being 'ok' with not pleasing everyone, and being able to say no, and being able to put your own needs and wants equal to the other person (and you have to identify what those are). Ideally, at a calm time, then as Albatross said you say what you also need, and what you will do if that is not met (as Alby said, some being negotiable, some not). So for example, you might say something like, "I am sorry when you get upset and scream but if or when that happens I want to let you know I will be leaving the house (or room, etc) until you are able or choose to not scream at me". (And perhaps others can express it better than that. Be clear, anyway, and not emotional). Etc.

Conversely, wanting her to spend time with you is not a boundary I don't think but a request, a communication issue, wherein you might say, "I miss you and want to spend time with you. How about next tuesday? (etc)" (and not take it personally if she doesn't want to or for now you're a trigger. The more she remembers she can trust you the more distant hopefully the connotation of you being a trigger will be. Hate to say it, but it's almost like dating from 'scratch', at a certain level).

Cult, I hope I remember the details correctly, I can't go back to read this minute. But I think you said you've been together 10-ish years, she melted down badly since early April, and it was over getting triggered making love. But that otherwise the relationship (and her) has been quite sweet and tender, but it is also one wherein you have been co-dependent and things have to change (including financially) and you might end it, or you think she may. These things considered, I don't want to project myself on to your issues, but there must be great fear (hers and yours). I can relate to running, either due to a) fear or b) I'd rather not deal with it or I've given up. If it's the former, it takes time and love and forgiveness, gut instinct (but still being true to your boundaries). If it's the latter, it takes responsibility on her part, and a choice to try or not. But, the problems didn't come overnight, the solutions won't either. You didn't cause the ptsd, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I think I understand, I am a person happiest when others are happy. But you can't control her happiness. You can only start with what you need, what brings you peace or happiness or comfort or strength, to figure out your identity, then you can set boundaries a litte more easily. But also, try to be matter of fact, not resentful. Even if you are walking away, you can still say (even if you're shouting it- it takes practise), "I love you but I am not going to tolerate being screamed at (etc)", followed by "but I would like to talk to you when we both calm down" (etc). And then leave, or what ever.

I try to remember, this will pass. But is it worth it (still) to have this person in my life? Give it time as you develop your boundaries and follow through on them. I know it's hard, but celebrate the small victories or moments, sounds like she's got intense fear to me, and denial, nd maybe afraid she is really losing control of her life and she can't get it back. (That does not equate to it's ok to treat you badly either though).

Best wishes to you.

 

[Cult]

Another wonderful post from Junebug. My partner is a runner, not a rager. She is not abusive, she just disappears. I don't think I have any choice but to accept that she needs a tremendous amount of space right now and as a result, I am going to find myself alone....a lot. And because I do love her, I want her to have what she needs as she continues on this journey.

I will be sitting with these questions and the feedback you have all provided. It helps more than I can say. Thank you for making me feel so welcome and helping me so much already.

 

[Tinyflame]

My partner is a runner, not a rager. She is not abusive, she just disappears.

Dear Cult, now THAT I can entirely relate to. Me too. Which is why (just my experience that is), I tried to differentiate between whether it's 'terror'-feeling motivated, or just to isolate (to an unhealthy or excessive degree, withdrawl, denial, 'checking out', of life, relationships, even reponsibilities).

You always have a choice Cult, you deserve good things.

I was thinking, you know how a partner can do something- something just characteristic to them, such as the way they smile or whatever, and it can make you feel good instantaneously? Well, triggers are like that in reverse: the 'motion', or sight, sound, smell, words- whatever- can take a sufferer back to the wrong place. It takes a while to de-brief one's self after that, to truly 'forget' the connotation (though not valid in the present, or with the present person). And JMHO, but abuse, assault etc, the person doing it often says things that really can screw up one's mind. :(

You said she is 'disppearing', I think? I get that. I've heard that also about myself. I can say, it's a terrible feelng when you try to deny it cognitively but in your own heart you know (feel) that way too and can't stop it.

Perhaps, along with setting boundaries, you can also interact together with small things: bring her a flower, put out the 'cereal' ( :) ) , hold hands. Reduce stress, but don't put yourslf last. Stay stable, calm, self-respecting, in 'reality'. Try to be kind to yourself.