Supporter Seeking Feedback From Sufferers - How Bad Is This, Really?

[Tinyflame]

I thought of one other thing Cult, you can't make happiness for another, but what you do can have an impact of creating healthier conditions (for you both) that can be positive (just as other actions can create a more negative environment).

I realize this all seems to have blown your life, her life, and your relationship to bits, but for what it's worth they say no, that isn't so, that ptsd can't be worked on until it's acknowleged. And they always say the breakdowns are ironically when one feels more 'safe'- hows that for a 'corker' :( . I hope ultimately no matter what you both decide that you both will find not only a way through this but become stronger or more healed for it than before. PTSD has certainly got a way of cutting through life and getting to the heart of matters (even when one feels entirely unprepared or not able to deal with it). Not quite sure how to find the words to express it, hope that makes sense.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Then, during sex, I became emotional and cried. She had a flashback to her attack at that point and ever since then, the sex and most of the love and affection have stopped. She still tells me she loves me and gives me small tokens of affection but nothing like what it was before. She doesn't want to spend much time together, doesn't want to talk about what is going on with her most of the time and tells me she is empty and has nothing to give me.

I haven't read all of the responses and posts in this thread but I did have a few thoughts as I read through some of the posts.

My thought is if she's been raped then sex might be a trigger for her. Especially if there was a flashback during sex. There's a whole avoidance thing that us sufferers sometimes do. That might be the reason for the "disappearing" as far as that goes. For myself if anything remotely reminds me of any of my traumas I'm fingers in my ears running out of the room to avoid being triggered. Flashbacks are quite literally like being transported to hell.

But my partner hasn't worked for several years. The PTSD began in earnest just one month ago.

I think one reason for lack of working could be due to an inability to cope in various stressful situations for different reasons. PTSD can be debilitating. People can and do end up on disability for it. Maybe that's an option for her. Just a thought.

I bolded what I quoted because there's an irony there I'd like to point out.

It's possible that she's had PTSD for years without realizing it. The lack of a job could be a manifestation of her having some kind of internal struggle.

As for PTSD showing up a month ago in my opinion that doesn't mean it wasn't there longer. Some people have PTSD for years knowing something is wrong but are never really able to put their finger on exactly what it is. Until one day something somehow triggers more "obvious" symptoms.

There is a lot of silence with rape. And with PTSD too. Isolating and keeping things inside are fairly common. So just because the more obvious symptoms aren't seen on the outside doesn't mean that a sufferer hasn't been suffering silently on the inside for a long time.

I can totally understand where you're wondering what to do and how. It's not an easy position for you to be in. I don't know if medication is a possibility for her if the other treatments aren't helping much yet. But I do think one of the biggest and most important things for you to do is to take care of yourself and your needs too. Getting lost in the middle of all of this can be overwhelming.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm sorry. I completely missed that there was a second page to this thread. It seems my post is a bit behind.

 

[Cult]

Thanks so much, everyone. My partner and I talk every day via phone and email when we are apart. Yesterday I was a bit late getting back to her due to being on the other line, and when I picked up, she sounded absolutely frantic that I had not picked up. We had a brief but pleasant chat after that and closed with ILY. I am realizing that I need to focus on myself as much as she needs to focus on herself. If we could somehow hit the pause button on the relationship without ending it, so that we can do our healing work, I think that would be the best thing. Before I can set boundaries I need to know who I am and what is important to me. I feel that for myself, all of that has been suffocated by my codependency. It has masked who I really am. I am meeting with my CoDA sponsor tonight and I will be talking about this with him.

When I am feeling strong, I am able to recognize that she is showing me love in the ways that she can; in a look, in a kiss, in a call. There is still a connection there, but what Junebug said is really true: we are going to have to rebuild our relationship and in a real sense, get to know each other again. I also agree that should we stay together, and I still hope that we can do that, we will be invincible after having survived this.

What with work and having made plans for Saturday, I will be busy until her return on Sunday. I hope her time away is what she needs it to be; quiet and reflective.