General Supporter's and sufferers: what happens during the first year of trauma therapy?

[TwilightDream]

Hello all. I am new here, although I have been lurking about this site for many months now. This is the only place where I have received the answers I so desperately need. Thank you all, for being exactly who you are.

To give a summary, my partner and I have been together (or not together) for over two years. We are both women. I have known her for quite sometime before developing a relationship. She was the kindest, most sincere person I have ever known. Integrity and honor were strong characteristics of hers. She has suffered tremendously in her life, just as I have, yet still always tried to do right by others. She often thought of herself as "invisible", as her efforts were often unnoticed nor appreciated. This woman captured my heart.

Even from the beginning, there were some unusual behaviors that I didn't understand. Going cold for a couple days at a time for reasons not apparent to me. Breaking up with me over the slightest disagreement. Insisting on repeating things that were hurtful to me, as she just could not take responsibility, nor change it. These things were minor to me, when it came to weighing out the pro's and con's of her being. She always tried in other ways. Going to therapy, trying antidepressants, etc.

Fast forward to a year or so down the line... A serious situation with a child in her family arose. When the child was taken into care, her floodgates opened. This situation is ongoing through the courts. The changes in her; I had never witnessed anything like it in my life. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I knew the situation was tragic, yet her behaviors, and the way I became her enemy, I couldn't wrap my head around it.

A few months later, she abruptly moved out. She admitted that she had been seeking therapy through the VA. She had been diagnosed with PTSD. For a month or two, I saw remnants of her old self, yet different. Then things changed.

So this is my question: When one begins the journey of trauma therapy, what is it like? What do they go through? Will it eventually get better? She has been deployed (non-combat), and also has multiple childhood and adult traumas. She has been in therapy for a bit over 6 months now. I know no details, as she is extremely secretive. A few months ago, she was beautifully open with me, about what she's going through. Within weeks, she said nothing is helping, nothing can help her. Then her insults became increasingly severe. The level of disrespect followed suit. She fluctuates between wanting nothing to do with me, and telling me so in the most hateful way possible, to occasionally asking me to hang in with her, she just needs to get through this. She has advised me to let go, if I need to protect myself. I have become the object of all her hatred. We barely text at this point. I do have my own therapist I'm working with.

Thank you all for reading...

 

[Justmehere]

Even from the beginning, there were some unusual behaviors that I didn't understand. Going cold for a couple days at a time for reasons not apparent to me. Breaking up with me over the slightest disagreement.

Insisting on repeating things that were hurtful to me, as she just could not take responsibility, nor change it.

She’s had a pretty long standing pattern of this behavior, and seeking treatment for this, long before the court case stirred up things for her.

I’m concerned that you would tolerate this from the get go in your life. Do you not believe you are deserving of kindness? Every relationship has tough moments and conflict, but being unable to work it through and take responsibility is pretty concerning.

Is she able to admit this behavior needs to change?

As for the year of treatment for PTSD? It’s going to vary from person to person, based on many factors.

It is often said around here that things get worse before they get better once someone gets into treatment. How long before it gets better, no one can say. It’s also often said that jerks get PTSD too, and improvement of the PTSD may not mean they will for sure stop being a jerk.

Fast forward to a year or so down the line... A serious situation with a child in her family arose. When the child was taken into care, her floodgates opened. This situation is ongoing through the courts. The changes in her; I had never witnessed anything like it in my life. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I knew the situation was tragic, yet her behaviors, and the way I became her enemy, I couldn't wrap my head around it.

She fluctuates between wanting nothing to do with me, and telling me so in the most hateful way possible, to occasionally asking me to hang in with her,

There is a book called Dead Link Removed” that might help you in finding a way to navigate some of this. It’s written for supporters of folks with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think it helps with navigating other push/pull relationship dynamics. (And frankly, what you describe her doing to target so much hatred at you, and then to try to pull you back in, could be behavior that is driven by more than PTSD alone.)

It may be the most healthy option, for you both, to take space and see other people. It’s not going to help you or her to stay as the “object of all her hatred.”

 

[Anarchy]

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry that you and your partner have experienced this.

The first stage, and it may last a few weeks to several years, is getting the client to a place and state of safety and stability, and to teach them some very basic skills, variously called grounding, wise mind etc.

It's only when the person is safe and feels safe, that they can begin to explore some of the therapeutic stuff.

Usqually when there's childhood stuff, there's not just the aggressive abuse or neglect, there's also been all sorts of twisted stuff to control the victim, to convince them that it's their fault, that they're bad...

It makes the victim, very un-trusting and suspicious, when they have Been in such an environment

They may also be very afraid that their abusers will hurt you

So the moving out and away is often a way to try to protect themselves and protect you.

Some of the interesting things are
They probably can't physically talk about their traumas, the brocca's region of the left side of the brain, that controls words, actually shuts down if they try, this is seen in functional mri scans. It's real.

It's not use unusual for people to take two or three years with a therapist before they can say that something happened to them.

The other thing is, therapists have training, support and (should ) do their own therapy, so that they can handle what clients come out with.

There's a very real risk that sharing stuff with someone who's not a therapist, will traumatise the person who's listening. That hurts both people, badly.

There's a hugely difficult balance for "supporters" to strike, between being there for the person, but not becoming a couple dependant rescuer, a persecutor, or a victim of abusive behaviour, or all three ( check out the Karpman drama triangle )

Good luck, to you and your partner
@

 

[Freida]

My first year was a nightmare. My second year was a nightmare. My third year is looking the same.

Treatment means digging up and facing things that almost killed me, coming to terms with it, and forgiving myself. yes -- myself. There isn't even a glimmer yet of forgiving those who landed me here. Hopefully later that will come.

I've been hell on those around me at times - I take off when I get upset, I refuse to talk about it, I can get really bitchy. It's like the ocean. It is always there - sometimes calm on top and swirling underneath and sometimes like a tsunami. Treatment has completely taken over my life and from my view it never really gets better. So the best thing i can do is get as far from those i love as possible. But I rarely get mean - and I do give myself credit for that. (so yes - it can be done)

I agree with @Justmehere that her behavior is unacceptable. It's good that you are both getting help, but being the person she can destroy so that she feels better is not going to benefit either of you in the long run.

 

[EveHarrington]

I say this as someone who lost my guy 5 weeks ago. My heart was shattered. (Still is.) Best relationship of my life. I don’t wish this pain on anyone. (I have PTSD.)

He broke up with me because he couldn’t handle the ups and downs. (He also struggles with setting boundaries, not taking on my shit, and codependency issues.)

Since then I’ve gone through hell. I will also say that since the breakup I have made some of the greatest strides in my almost 10 years of healing since diagnosis. Would I make the breakup go away, knowing what I know now? (I scream at the top of my lungs) NO!

The thing is that we with ptsd have very limited energy resources. It’s virtually impossible to be focusing on keeping a relationship together when symptoms are running amok. I couldn’t be doing this very vital healing if I was still in a relationship.

We are friends. Close friends who care about each other deeply. I don’t advise the friend route for the faint of heart as it’s hell at times, trying to stay friends with someone who has caused you some of the greatest pain in your life.

Many would call me crazy, but I fully believe our story is not yet over. He knows I’m keeping my options open and closing no doors. The way he supports me and cares for me tells me to hold on to this friendship like hell.

My advice?

Take a step back. She needs a friend. As a friend it will likely be easier for you to set boundaries and step back when you need to.

I believe that if something is meant to be, then it will be.

She is going through hell right now. I hope you reach out to her as a supportive friend. If you two are meant to be, then it’s worth at the very least trying to hold on, at least for now.

As for me, maybe I’m crazy in thinking that things aren’t over between my ex and I, but I push forward. I’m in no way a hopeless romantic. It’s just that sometimes you’ve gotta run with your gut feelings.

I wish you the best.

 

[TwilightDream]

Thank you all for replying. Just wanted to respond individually and then say where I'm at, at least for this day.

I’m concerned that you would tolerate this from the get go in your life. Do you not believe you are deserving of kindness? Every relationship has tough moments and conflict, but being unable to work it through and take responsibility is pretty concerning.

Is she able to admit this behavior needs to change?

Hello Just me here... You make a good point. I would always bring these issues to her attention, not always in the best ways, but this has been such a learning process. But a main reason that I stuck with her, is that she was an incredible human being, 95% of the time. I gave her credit and respect, for seeking help as she recognized that what she was doing was harmful. The thing is, she would never verbalize her fault or remorse, but she would secretly sneak off to receive therapy. The hard thing is that she wasn't diagnosed for quite a few months. The docs thought they were just dealing with depression... hence, her symptoms continued to surface, just in different ways.

It may be the most healthy option, for you both, to take space and see other people. It’s not going to help you or her to stay as the “object of all her hatred.”

I agree with the taking space... but seeing other people? Not so much... unless my dog wants to go on a date with me. I'm gonna ask him right now ;)

There's a hugely difficult balance for "supporters" to strike, between being there for the person, but not becoming a couple dependant rescuer, a persecutor, or a victim of abusive behaviour, or all three ( check out the Karpman drama triangle )

Yes Anarchy, yes. Thank you so much for your candidness about what trauma therapy entails. The triangle. I've learned about that a few months ago when I watched the videos on this site. I have definitely played all 3 roles. The one thing that I have tried to take under control, is to not be a perpetrator of abuse. I used to feel justified in attacking her on the same level she would attack me. After so much work, I am beginning to understand the pain she's in, and that I have a choice over my own response. This leaves me with the other two. Rescuer and victim. I am still very involved in the court case on her behalf, and to be honest, mine as well. I suppose in a sense that makes me a rescuer. As I have tolerated the most horrid of behavior (and sometimes dished out the most horrid of behavior), but still know that the magnitude of what's going on is way bigger than just us. It has taken a lot for me to separate her behavior from doing what needs to be done in regards to court. It's the hardest thing in the world to be assaulted with the lowest below the belt insults and accusations, and that the person you love wants nothing to do with you, but to still step up to the plate on her behalf. That leaves me with "victim". My therapist has advised me to not contact her or interact with her in anyway, unless it has to do with business. At least through the holidays, which are already pretty hard on me. I'm trying hard to live up to that advice.

I agree with @Justmehere that her behavior is unacceptable. It's good that you are both getting help, but being the person she can destroy so that she feels better is not going to benefit either of you in the long run.

You are so right. And it's had me in a really bad place. I've just had such a hard time wrapping my head around it. Why I have become the object of her hatred. Sure there are real deal reasons that it is happening, and I feel nothing but compassion for what she's gone through, and what she's going through now. But nonetheless, it's still happening. I have to face the reality, that this is who she is at this present moment. This is part of the reason as to why I asked what happens in trauma therapy. I figured that the stuff that she's trying to face is huge. Avoidance and anger has always been her go to. And she repeats the same things like a broken record. And once those hurtful things have lost there power, she finds a new go to. All leave me feeling like total, worthless trash. So yes, although it hurts like a son of a gun, I know I have to step away. Really step away. I'm trying to find a way to still care for her from afar, yet preserve my own soul.

Take a step back. She needs a friend. As a friend it will likely be easier for you to set boundaries and step back when you need to.

I believe that if something is meant to be, then it will be.

She is going through hell right now. I hope you reach out to her as a supportive friend. If you two are meant to be, then it’s worth at the very least trying to hold on, at least for now.

I love her Eve. Even after all this, I love her. What you suggest is what I've been working on. I can be a very intense person, who loves hard and strong. It has been like navigating through new and uncharted territory, to figure out how to pull back my own emotions, to do what's best for the both of us. After she told me a couple months ago, yet again, that she has nothing left for me, I chose to believe her this time. I began learning how to adjust, to living life without her. In my logical mind, I know the pain she's going through, so I have tried to remain a friend. A real friend. I have told her that I am always open to a conversation with her, when she is in a place to do so without harming me. I would reach out every couple of weeks, just to let her know that I believe in her, and that she will get through this. I told her that my preference is for no response, rather than a hateful one. So she would find other ways to hurt me. I want to be a support to her, but she's making that almost a non-possibility. In her mind, I am the worse person in the world. She doesn't trust me, and believes that I'm out to harm her and her family. She often accuses me of being the same person as her previous abusers.

I carry my own burden as well. I had no idea what I was dealing with at first. So many of my responses were the exact opposite of what would be considered supportive to a person with PTSD. But I've always been willing to learn, and to try. But as my therapist, and all of you fine folks have suggested, stepping back is my only option at this point. T has suggested that hate is on the same coin as love. Both are suggestive of strong feelings. But at this point, until she can show some level of self awareness, and starts reaching out to me, there's nothing much I can do. And that's one of the hardest things for me to digest. That I've lost my best friend.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, from the heart, I wish you the best as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m so sorry for your pain!

I’m a crazy-intense person. My ex told me he was pretty intense, too, but at the end of the day his intensity was a pale version of mine, and he couldn’t handle it. I think people don’t understand that when I say I’m intense, I mean (capitalized)(bolded) INTENSE!

The pain gets easier to handle as days go by, I’m sure you know. But at the end of the day I wouldn’t change things for the world. Maybe things will get better, maybe they won’t. My new goal is vulnerability (Brené Brown style), so I am trying to put myself out there, with full knowledge that I will get hurt, many times. I see the risk as worth it, as I want love in my life. Of course we must protect ourselves at the end of the day. I say leave the door open as you have, with your boundaries in tow. I’m sure you’ve grown a lot from this experience. Hugs.

 

[Friday]

So this is my question: When one begins the journey of trauma therapy, what is it like? What do they go through? Will it eventually get better? S

It depends.

Some people spend a few years just getting stable enough to get trauma therapy, others are off to the races from day 1.

Probably the most important thing to know is that trauma therapy isn't like normal therapy. You don't usually see immediate improvement (things get infinitely worse for nearly everyone), and you don't leave therapy feeling better... For a long time.

The closest parallel I can think of is a serious burn victim. The most painful part? Isn't the burn. It's the treatment for the burn, and Is yet to come. Because all of the burned tissue has to be scrubbed off. Repeatedly, time and again, over the course of days/weeks. Over and over and over steel bristled brushes are used to scrub off the burned & healing tissue down to the muscle. Once that bit is over? New skin doesn't just grow back the way it should. Instead it's skin grafts, and infections, and surgeries, and more pain. Less than the abreidment, but still gruesome serious pain. Then? (Oh, yeah, there's more) months & years of physical therapy, rehabbing burned muscles, learning how to walk or use your hands again, stretching new skin, a few more surgeries (hopefully cosmetic, this time). Its f*cking brutal.

And then there are a lot of ancillary things. There's no pain medication on the planet that can handle burns, but without pain management, the person will die of shock. So burn victims nearly universally become severely addicted to their pain meds. Which have to be kicked, usually a couple times, just so treatment can continue -meds stop working, take a real and kick, so you can go back on the meds and have them work again-. (We're not talking stigma-addiction of living under a bridge & mugging people. We're talking physiological addiction). There's going to be massive effects on their personal life (lost jobs, dreams, friends, marriages, etc.). And a whole lot of other stuff. That's just part and parcel to a burn victims life.

Do things get better? Yes. Eventually.

Treating a burn, treating trauma... Is crazy painful. And tends to affect one's life pretty hardcore.

When people say worse-before-better? ^^^That's why.^^^

 

[TwilightDream]

@EveHarrington Yes indeed. Intense to the 3rd degree lol. But I like how you say, you wouldn't change things for the world. My experiences, my traumas, my pain and my joy, have all created exactly who I am. There are good things with that, and bad, but I wouldn't change it. It has given me the ability to have a different perspective. A different level of compassion and understanding, that is not the norm for many.

Just thought I'd mention... vulnerability. I wear my heart on my sleeve, at almost all times. But I'm rough around the edges, so I suppose that gives me a certain degree of protection. But many times with vulnerability, I am very aware of the hurt it may bring me. But I tell myself, if a person's going to harm me, they're going to harm me. And whether or not I expose my heart, or don't, it will not change the outcome of me being hurt. But I'll never know unless I fully show up.

Lol, did that make any sense?

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington Yes indeed. Intense to the 3rd degree lol. But I like how yo...

Yes, it makes complete sense! Thank you!

 

[Freida]

@Friday I'm keeping that description because it is the best one I have ever heard... And it made me cry so it must be even better than I think.

 

[C mom]

Hello all. I am new here, although I have been lurking about this site for many months now. Thi...

I don't have any advice, just letting you know you aren't alone. The exact same thing happened between me and my soon-to- be . husband. I felt like I was in the twilight zone, never knowing which version of him would show up when he came to see our son. Becoming the focus of such hateful and disrespectful behavior completely blindsided me too. I'm still reeling...

My thoughts and prayers go out to you