Sympathy Makes Me Angry

[doglover]

You want to understand it, okay. So you think it's the Mars/Venus thing. I take it you prefer to deal with tough emotions on your own, no crying in front of people, etc.?

"Venus" types may not be used to that. I have a family member that wants listening and commiserating and my automatic tendency is to offer potential solutions. We solved this by having both of us just say what we are looking for BEFORE we discuss a problem. So she will say, "I need to talk about something. I don't need advice or suggestions, I just need someone to listen and be there" - or "I need to talk about something, and I'm trying to fix it so I'm open to advice."

Maybe you could try that as a solution?

And maybe, if you want a possible solution that could help over the long-term, think of other ways you could take that kind of apology. Think about what you are making "I'm sorry" mean - about you, your goals, your masculinity, your recovery. And think about all the other things you COULD make it mean.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I usually ask a question at the end of a post to encourage discussion.

I respect the issue of someone saying they are sorry. Many people feel that need.

It's like saying please and thank you or shaking another persons hand. It's an acknowledgement and a means to show respect. It's not about masculinity but it may be related to my goals and recovery. I'm not trying to be a hardass but I guess it comes across that way.

I think it comes down to frustration on my part.

 

[doglover]

Well, asking a question at the end of a post is helpful. Can you see how your goals and intent would be even clearer if you also started the post with what kind of feedback you wanted (solutions vs. supportive emotion stuff)?

I don't think you're being a hardass. I think you're working on yourself. What about someone saying I'm sorry makes you feel that frustration? You said before you felt it invalidates the issue - how? You don't have to answer here.

 

[Lav]

Bill

I can understand your frustration. For me when I say to someone I have Ptsd I don't necessarily need any empathy as a reply, although I do let that person express and react in anyway that they are comfortable with. I had to learn to respect other peoples reactions to keep myself from firing up which was only doing myself harm. I say thank you and try to move the discussion on to something a little more helpful.

What I hope to gain from telling someone is respect and understanding for why I do the things that I do and say. Sometimes, depending on the listener, I inform them that I'm not after sympathy just understanding.

I am a woman and share your frustration, in my opinion it has little to do with masculinity. Although I am a little bit butch. :D

Kind regards
Lav

 

[Tinyflame]

Bill, as aperson who's always done it myself- maybe the feeling it 'invalidates it' is frustrating, but also maybe it hits too close to home.
Mars or Venus (I'm 'Venus', btw), I always would have rathered others didn't know, and didn't offer empathy, either, because if I had to say anything it was like a weather report. Someone actually feeling badly inferred I'd have to face 'feelings'.

That being said, my Mars friend says "Bummer", I get what he's saying.

What I mean is, maybe part of the 'practical solution' lies in (also) being able to acknowledge and accept the feelings, and even be able to realize you deserve self-empathy. It was one turning point in my life, when I realized I never gave myself that when the stuff had occurred- an empathy I would genuinely afford any stranger, but never thought of as applicable as towards myself- never even occurred to me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

People aren't mind readers. They cannot know, or be expected to know the right words for every individual they come across.

Ofcourse you are frustrated. But why are you frustrated? what are you frustrated with more precisely?

You can't control what others say, you could understand them from a different angle without being frustrated or angry with them for speaking. But what would bring a positive change for you?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I pored myself out there I bared my soul. I see I've gotten 60 views and the best anyone can give me is your sorry. I frustrated that the anxiety attack sneaked up on me. I'm tired of the Ghosts coming back to haunt me. I want to be better but I feel like I'm being drug back down that dark hole. I feel like that Greek fella Sisyphus with that damn rock.

I want someone to tell me something I can use to get better. I'm just pissed in general.

I guess I'm mad a G-d. I want New Testament and I'm getting Old Testament.

 

[Anna]

Well mate, if it pisses you off, then it pisses you off, there's no point in wondering whether that's ok or it's not ok or anything else, it just is what it is, and for what it's worth, I do very much understand where you're coming from. Then again, I am also often accused of having a "male brain" and am renowned for sometimes viciously rejecting anything that is, or is perceived by me to be, sympathy.Maddog

Ditto, same here. It is one of the reasons why I never share or am careful who I share with. Mainly post on the forum here about physical symptoms and ask how to deal with them. Then you get logical advice on how to deal with them.

 

[bethinhfx]

For me, anxiety became easier to deal with when I tried to " sit with it". I always ran away from it and actually learned a little bit to allow myself to be in " in the anxiety" and I had some healing moments because it passed. I would sob- feel the feelings, " fear, sadness, despair" and then it would pass.

I still have anxiety and I took up yoga 4 years ago which may sound trite but it changed my life and I have done some research and yoga breathing actually slows down the parasympathetic system and my body has learned to react to " fight and flight" differently. My body breathes differently but who wants to do yoga for 4 years?

Someone who was unemployed and could not find a job- someone who was experiencing high levels of distress and didn't know what else to do; someone who is naturally athletic anyway (don't know what your inclinations are). I went to about 20 classes and actually worked at the studio a little but to get free classes and I bought a cheap mat and a great book at a used book store " Budda Mind/ Yoga Body" and started doing it at home because I could not afford classes. Every day I brought my despair, my lack of power, my frustration, my grief to the mat " because , really, I had nothing else going on" - smile. ......and before you knew it I had developed something very positive for myself and felt great plus it really does help with everything.

We can turn adversity into a strength but its work. I did not like my life or how I felt and just a simple thing like a yoga practice changed everything: 20-30 min a day. I don't know if thats helpful but that as something that really helped me change my life and lots of guys do yoga! and the journey of a million steps begins with the first one: try to bend over and reach your toes! Peace.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I pored myself out there I bared my soul. I see I've gotten 60 views and the best anyone can give me is your sorry. I frustrated that the anxiety attack sneaked up on me. I'm tired of the Ghosts coming back to haunt me. I want to be better but I feel like I'm being drug back down that dark hole. I feel like that Greek fella Sisyphus with that damn rock.

I want someone to tell me something I can use to get better. I'm just pissed in general.

I guess I'm mad a G-d. I want New Testament and I'm getting Old Testament.

Maybe the frustration is that it doesn't get better. I'm a practical person, I want to find something I can do to get better.

But that practical thinking also involves a need to 'fix' the problem so I don't feel the pain. If there was a nail in my foot, I could take it out and heal. If I had an infection, I could take a tablet and heal.

But mental pain is less tangable. Theres nothing to touch and to make better in a practical sense. But the suggestions that have been made are practical, from taking time to analyse your thoughts, crying, spending time considering self empathy and acceptance, to yoga.

Exercise, meditation, minfulness are practical things that are used to help. And theres lots on the forums about these things, and people who use them to successfully manage symptoms as they arise.

But like old age, arthritis, allergies, auto-immune diseases, its an ongoing process of managing to live with the symptoms, not to eradicate them. But people do manage and go on to live with the symptoms affecting them less.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I had to smile at this. I have always run from sympathy.

...and told myself it made me weak. That it didn't do anything.

I used to feel enraged and the urge to run in the other direction.

When I grew up in an abusive household, it was never safe to accept the 'invitation to open up' that an expression of sympathy is, when given by a healthy supportive adult.

...because the adults in my life would use that info against me.

So it was better to tell myself it wasn't that I couldn't share and have my pain witnessed...noooo...

...it's that it was stupid to even WANT to.

Dumb to think someone would be able to help.

Weak to need it.

Stupid to trust that it would ever happen.

But...now that I don't need to tell myself those things anymore, I can't put it down easily. Instead of keeping pain held away from me, it now keeps the pain inside.

It pushes loved ones away. It interferes with my therapeutic relationship with my T.

I totally understand. I'm trying to accept that it's really not anger I am feeling, but that there is so much pain and sorrow and grief that if I accept the invitation to 'let myself show'...it'll be turned away and I'll be abandoned all over again.

Feels safer to just stay angry, most days.

Great thread! Thanks for sharing. :>

 

[Tinyflame]

Ten 'likes' for that Bloom.