Sympathy Makes Me Angry

[bethinhfx]

@ blooming: for sure, I know exactly what you mean. The best thing/ sign of recovery is to be able to expose your vulnerability and weakness without it being used against you. I could never do that in my house either! Show any emotion or weakness and "bazaam", " I will give you something to cry about"," crybaby", "just trying to get attention". I know all of those. Thank god we can learn two love, trust, and learn a new way! Peace! Beth

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ten 'likes' for that Bloom.

*pleased*

((((Junebug))))

 

[bethinhfx]

:)

 

[AABMT]

I'm not a therapist, but have seen them for my entire adult life like most on this forum.. and I also was in AA for many years, so I've done a lot of sharing, listening and trying to learn. Well, I was always told that anger is just the symptom of what you are really feeling. I've been told that anger is the easiest negative emotion to deal with and to really find out how to "fix" something I need to peel back the anger feelings and dig to find out what I'm honestly and really feeling that is causing me to be angry. I don't know if that makes any sense but I do try to do that. I'm far from always being successful with that, but at least I'm trying. Trying is sometimes simply the best we can do. It can be so hard because like others I really don't understand and know my feelings. They overwhelm and confuse the heck out of me, and frankly I don't like feeling (just typing that it sounds odd but it's true). I don't "feel" or react like "normal" people do (if there really is a normal out there I don't know). I have a tendency to try to think about it and think my way through something rather than feel it so I'm trying really hard to learn.

When I first read the post I thought that people say they are sorry because they honestly don't know what to say or how to fix it but they want to acknowledge your pain or struggle. I know it isn't helpful and doesn't give us answers, but it's the best that they can do sometimes. Like I've always been told to not negate a person's compliment they give me, I'm just supposed to say thank you. Maybe the same logic applies here.. I don't know, it's just a thought.

This is only my second post here so if I offend anyone please let me know.. that's not my intention.. I want to find help here and possibly help others if I can.

<Edited to include apostrophes>

 

[bethinhfx]

Sometimes, I am just angry. Period. Although I had a therapist tell me that anger could be a sign of " unmet needs" and that made a lot of sense to me. If I am angry I can ask myself, what needs do I need to get met here? I have also found that anger is a good galvanizer for me and also helps give back to people, organizations what have you some of my angst, which isn't mine.

So, I have had to learn how to deal with my anger in a constructive way; walking my dog and yelling at people works for me! It does. But I also have to find a constructive way to deal with my anger and apply it so my life improves! Like blogging; learning to be assertive (V.I.P.); filing complaints (been to the Ombundsman here twice in the last year).

I have to believe that I have power even though I am powerless compared to a lot of other people. " what do I have control over?"' what can I change?" " where is my power in a situation?" Anyway, just some musings...peace!

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't usually feel angry, but later I might feel angry at myself. Totally uncomfortable, however.

The exception is if I'm flat out broken down, then I am thankful for the kindness, or that they 'get it'.
Well, I am always thankful for that.

Also, sometimes it helps me see things in a totally different perspective. Or helps me not feel guilty (beat myself up more).

 

[bethinhfx]

So helpful when people " get it". Wont ever take that for granted again!

 

[Tinyflame]

Also kindness.

 

[mamachick]

Bill I have some new advice for you. This is just my observation. I would look at control issues in myself if I were you. Communication is when person A says want they want, person B responds how they want. When person A want to speak freely, but also wants control of person B's words-that is called CONTROL. Now you are displeased that people are too nice. It could go the other way as well.

I have a good friend that has OCD and some very unhealthy thinking patterns. For the most part, we keep our communication on the superficial level because of that. She will have hurt feelings over her grown daughters. An example is that her daughter was having marital problems and she was very meddling, once she was going to write a letter to her son in law about her daughter including her daughters faults.. I told her it was a bad idea and why. She said she was going to do it and did.

Her duaghter was off work and read the letter and she was in a mess. She proceeds to tell me about the conversation but first tells me, "I just want you to listen, I dont want any comments" I agreed and didnt say a word. However, she could have just as well shared it with the wall. She often wants to vent. She is unreasonable about her kids and grandkids. Her hoardering affects the relationship, etc, but as her friend, I occassionally need to be honest at any cost.

I have told her truths about what I see, how her list of shoulds might cause depression. I have compared hoardering to other addictions. I have done so very gently. She has gotten mad and turned it to my relationship with my kids. I can take it because I am not that sensative and am human, have made mistakes, and would do things differently. However, she, like many people want to vent, but do not want to hear anything that would make them less than perfect. She is a control freak in every way, and I love her just the same. She would do anything for me and I for her. But I also know, that if I told it how it is sometimes, she would probably write me off, as she has with one of her daughters.

As someone else on this thread stated earlier, honesty has caused bad feelings. I do think that some of us with ptsd have been tamed by others reaction. At least this friend that I described is honest about it, but I have had manipulative people twist my words.

Bill I think some people have been attacked(her or otherwise) for giving opinions and advice. That is up to them to heal-however, I think it sure gives me something to think about. On the other hand, it is their response-they gave it-you dont get to pick their words.

 

[bethinhfx]

Well, I think he is well within rights to have some control. Its how thread and post. If he wants to put some suggestions for feedback I think he is well within his rights but I am a BIG advocate of trying to empower people and give them as much control as possible having had my power and control taken away so many times ( so painful, abusive, stupid!). I like to think we have choices in life! Peace!

 

[mamachick]

Bill I hear your frustration and it makes sense to me. I am not overly sensative so I appreciated concrete feedback too. I admire you for asking that others give more thought to what you are saying and provide feedback to your posts. I hope you get it, and I will will try now that I know what you are asking.

bethinhfx-it is absolutely his right. There is nothing wrong with wanting and having control. However, there are many things that are out of our control. Many wives have been beaten for not giving the right answer. So expecting control over things we cannot control is dangerous. We do not have any control over other people, and have no right to have control over others.

AABMT is so right about the underlying cause of anger. Bill has identified frustration underlying the anger. There may be an "irrational belief" underlying that frustration as well.

Anger is not bad. It is a healthy response at times. It can be a warning that our rights have been violated.
ex: I come home from work to find my teen kids watching tv and playing video's. There is no water in the dogs bowl and the doh has pooped on the floor. Dishes are piled high, the air condioning is on and the windows open. I am angry----frustrated-----rights have been violated. I need to take action to prevent my rights from being further violated.

Anger can also be an indication to look at our belief system, examine it, and sometimes change it.
ex: I baked cookies for the church and had an extra dozen and took them to the neighbor across the street. Her husband passed away a month previously and I just wanted to do something nice. I also sent my son over to shovel her snow one day. She thanked me for the cookies and called and thanked my son, but no thank you card. Its been a month and I still have not received a thank you. Some people have no manners and I wont do anything for her again. I believe when you do something nice for someone, they SHOULD send a thank you note of appreciation. My anger is caused by my belief "I did something nice for you and you prevented me from feeling good about it" This person needs to examine why they need such an acknowledgement, what their expectations are of others, and why they feel so disappointed.

The second scenario is true. The woman was raised by an alcoholic father and was praised for doing things like this. As long as she did for her dad and he praised her, life was good. If she didnt get praised when he came home drunk, it was because he was in a bad mood-heads rolled.

 

[Tinyflame]

I just personally have had such the opposite (not here on the forum, but in real life) in terms of support or understanding, with the exception of 1 or 2 people, that I am just thankful for anything near constructive or kind.
But I understand Bill, in so far as everyone has to make sense of things on their own.