General The Angry Thread

[Pretty Hurts]

i really wish you were able to provide emotional support when i need it. you were more responsive when we were on opposite coasts as friends. there was mutual desire to be more if we had the opportunity. now we sit right beside each other and i look to you as my mate for support, or input and i am left hanging often. it bothers me that now we are together in a relationship and you are often unresponsive. there are times that you speak of the strong connection you feel to me, that drew you to be here with me. i believe you feel deeply connected to me, i can tell by your actions and i feel it just as deeply as you do too....but it appears you lack the ability (or desire) to engage in person or disconnect at times. that makes me sad and in those moments, i feel like i'm all by myself in this. when you described the relationship between your grandparents the other night, i could tell that you admired their version of love. you said they had such a strong connection that could not always be seen by others, but it was obvious that although he was a hard, cold, scary type of man, she was no doubt the apple of his eye. then you went on to explain how you may have some of your grandfather's traits, but you're different, warmer, and a few other things....and i get it. really i do get it all, you are a man action and of few words. but you should also understand that for your grandparents to stay together and love one another as fiercely as they did all those years, that there were times where even he as hard as you described him softened a little, just for her. when they were alone, there had to be times she looked to him for support, reassurance or encouragement and he gave her what she needed, where she expressed discomfort or disappointment and he consoled her....where she expressed her affections and he received them....in his own way, but in a way that she understood for certain. likely in private with words you could never even imagine him saying, because they were for her ears only or with his actions privately or openly that even if she was the only one who recognized them, they made her understand....that she was the apple of his eye. my point is, in order for the connection to remain consistent all those years, they each found ways to communicate their love in a way that the other would understand, for certain. i believe we were drawn to each other because we both identified an enormous capacity to love in one another, that is something special.

 

[Amanda_j]

Five years we have LOVED one another and you disappear from my life while I'm asleep!! I was there for you through everything and you leave me like a coward. You expected that I would understand you but you didn't talk to me. You weren't easy! You were hard work! But I did it...I did it to the best of my ability. Because I love you and the ptsd is not your fault. I hate that I'm left behind. I miss the man I fell in love with. Now that you've gone, like this, I can't have you stroll back into my life if or when you decide to get the help you need. You Cant come back and break me again. I hate everything about this situation and I hate that I still love you. I hate that I cry over you when I am alone. I hate that you have no concern for me or what you have left behind. I'm soooo hurt by you and I'm so angry. I hate that I feel like everything you've ever said to me was all lies! I hate how I feel worthless and used. For my own sanity you can never come back...and I hate that I still want you to. I feel better now, I'll probably vent on here again.

 

[Cavegirl]

I'm pissed off that he can reach out long distance to his stupid ex girlfriend everyday but not to me. After being in an unsuccessful relationship with her and his ex wife he decided he can't be in a relationship right now. He makes a horrible boyfriend but a great friend. UUUUUUUGH!!!!

I'm not them! I'm not like his stupid ex wife that refused to even TRY to understand what he was going through. I'm not like his $/7@$ ex gf that had no motivation in life! That he had to practically support and take care of.

Maybe that's my problem. I do understand what he's going through (a bit) as I'm a sufferer that's in a better place now. And I am highly motivated and don't need him to be my dad. Maybe the fact that I can be what he wants scares him.

Or he is just playing me and I'm an idiot.

The whole thing PISSES ME OFF!

 

[Cavegirl]

I'm getting madder as I go through these threads! I see sooooo much similarity in them. I'm angry at myself for caring about him. I'm angry at him for being every f&cking thing I've EVER wanted in a man, except of course for the "bonus" package of PTSD. I'm angry at myself for being willing to take the good with the bad.

I'm angry I never get what I want. Angry I put myself in this position.

I'm also angry I don't get or$l s@x or cuddling after s&x because it's "too intimate" that's crap! Yeah it's really intimate I get that but I'm still MAD that I don't get those things.

 

[Pretty Hurts]

i'm so angry with you, you walk around not speaking to me, like i'm not important. you withhold your attention. you withhold affection, you won't touch me, won't hug me, won't have sex with me, won't kiss me, always sleep with you're back to me, curled up into a ball. i feel like you don't trust me. like i'm going to hurt you. it makes me feel so scorned. unattractive. unwanted. like why are you even here? why am i here? why do you even want to be with me at all? will you just hang around until you absolutely can't stand me anymore and then just leave me? will you just hang around until you finish school, don't need anything from me anymore and then leave me? are you waiting for me to get fed up with this treatment and ask you to leave? do you realize that the way you treat me wlll lead to one of us just leaving? do you even care? even in the middle of the night if one of us happens to roll and our backs touch, you roll away from me as soon as you're aware...but you boss me around all the time and if i disagree or don't want to do something, express discomfort or fatigue you just go silent on me. you never express compassion or give encouragement. it really made me angry when i asked for reasurance that one time and you told me "reassurance is for the weak!" and last week when i had to take my test for that job, as i dropped you off i asked you to wish me luck and you said "so do i have to placate you all the time?" you made me feel so small!! when i expressed that i was nervouss you said i didn't need luck and did it ever occur to me that you already believe in me!! well what is so hard about simply stating that, without the insult?....you RARELY give me a compliment or say anything nice to me that makes feel good or even secure about us or myself. or the other night when you came home with the groceries, got frustrated trying to parralell park so you parked a block away, came inside and asked me if i'd bring the car down so we could bring the groceries inside....and i did, no questions, no protest, no contempt, i know it's effortless for me (i taught you) but i NEVER lord it over you, it's not who i am. so why the "see, that's why i keep you around..." why not "thanks." "good job babe." or just say nothing, because i didn't do it for thanks and let's take the groceries in the house!! you're like a 200lb toddler sometimes, withdrawing because you did not get your way! it makes me so angry because you disregard whatever it is that i'm saying or feeling to cause me to protest! i feel like you see me as nothing more than someone to do as they're told by you and i should never have recourse, never express how i feel about anything, "just be quiet and keep all those feelings to yourself because i don't know what to do with all that, i'm no good with that"....i'm not a f*cking robot though!! i'm not a f*cking soldier! i haven't been to combat....but my life has been war from childhood. and i learned that suppressing my feelings about everything made me numb inside. i hated living that way and i won't go back to that. i ended up nearly 300lbs, eating my emotions, depressed, not loving myself, sick, wanting to just die because i hated my life. you know my story, intimately....you told me how much you admired me for taking charge of my life and losing all of the weight. you were only my friend then, but you watched my journey, you supported me, encouraged me. i did not lose 140lbs for aesthetic reasons, although my results have been phenmenal. i did it so i could stop hating life, and live again. not to attract a mate, but you moving here to be with me turned out to be a bonus. and now i feel you don't realize that the strength and determination you admired in me, the bright light that drew you near....you dim with your coldness and overbearing ways. i question if i am as strong as i thought i was, i wonder if i was only strong because i chose to be alone while bettering myself. i'm angry that i don't know how to remain strong with a mate. i'm angry that i need so much and feel crazy and stupid for needing these things....why do i need these things? is it possible to live without these things and find contentment? i'm angry at you for refusing to give me what i need, because i know you're capable and i'm angry at myself for not being strong enough to not need these things for you.

 

[Cavegirl]

I'm angry that my stupid PTSD is flaring up now that you couldn't be in a relationship with me.

My PTSD was being managed and now it's back trying to control my life.

I hate you PTSD.

 

[Pretty Hurts]

I'M ANGRY SO f*ckING ANGRY!!! you said you drive me to the dr's office for my over night sleep study tonight and an hour prior you tell me, "just take the car, because i won't need it to go anywhere in tomorrow." HELLO, you're supposed to come pick me up in the morning!! there's nowhere to leave my car overnight!! WTF you're such a selfish asshole!! i'm annoyed that i am there for you whenever for whatever you need, but you flake out on me because you want to sit home and drink your wine to sleep....then not be able to wake up in the morning. even when i really need you!! if this was for you, you'd find a way....i'd find a way! some soldier you are. #selfishsoldier i'm going to leave now, i'm not even going to waste my breath to tell you how disappointed i am because you obviously don't give 2 shits anyway. asshole! asshole! asshole!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I know you're going through a tough time. I know you're hurt and scared. I know you're going through trauma therapy. But goddamn, I hope you know how much I feel like I'm taking care of a goddamn child. You are literally older than me, and yet you act like I'm the high and mighty one. No, you're not inferior to me. You're not inferior to anyone. You are an equal. you have always been an equal. Why is it that when I tell you that you're an equal, my best friend, and that I love you, you don't believe me, and yet one negative comment from anyone and suddenly it's the most true statement of all time, without considering the fact that MAYBE, just maybe, they're being a f*cking asshole. No? You're going to believe assholes who have abused you instead of your best friend who's loved you for years? Ok. Whatever you say.

Also, for the love of god, stop saying 'I miss you'. I know you do. I'm not stupid. I do too. I've missed you for 3 f*ckin' years because I've been talking to PTSD 99% of the time, but I,m not going to tell you that, because then you'll spiral into self loathing rather than working towards bettering yourself. Which is f*cking self-sabotaging by the way. I know you miss me, but it's goddamn exam month. I'm going to be studying and writing essays hardcore and won't be able to talk to you properly til Christmas break. You're just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm busy and you need to find other people to talk to. I love you, but I need to focus on my own education here.

Also, regarding the characters in the stories we're writing. Stop treating them like they're mortal people that can vanish at any moment. They're fictional characters. They only vanish if you purposefully avoid thinking or talking about them. If you never want them to go, then they won't. They're not going to 'die or vanish' when you start talking about them. That's your PTSD trying to subdue you into being happy because it knows that happiness and not giving a f*ck will kill it. Also, they're /fictional characters/. They're not superior to you. God, it's like you take yourself for a useless paperclip. Stop that. You're a f*cking human being and you're just as valuable as anyone else on this goddamn planet and I swear to GOD if you disbelieve me, I will shove self love and happiness so far up your ass that you'll shit rainbows onto the things you get scared of. You deserve happiness. It will not be ripped away from you. You are allowed to be happy. f*ck PTSD.

 

[medley29]

Almost 2 months without seeing you. I go weeks at a time without so much as a text from you. But according to you we're still together. I haven't asked to see you because I know it stresses you out and you always deflect. I haven't tried to call you because I don't expect that much from you. I don't even text you everyday. And most of the time when I do text you, I keep it simple, and send something that doesn't make you feel pressured to respond if you don't feel like it. I still did something for your birthday. Even though you've turned my life upside down and put me through hell, I still let you know on Thanksgiving that you're important to me. And you deleted my f*cking post.

Even though I've tried so hard to not be too much, you ripped me a new one after not talking to me for two weeks, because you feel I haven't given you enough space. Even though we aren't long distance and I haven't asked to see you or pressured you to talk to me. Why the hell are you still with me?
I literally feel like you couldn't give two sh!ts about me. You don't talk to me, and even me reaching out sometimes is enough to piss you off.... What good am I to you?! If you detest hearing from me that f*cking much, why do you still want to be in a relationship with me?? I'm BUSTING MY ASS to make this work. I consider how everything I say will affect you. I do my best not to pressure you. I try to let you know I'm here and I'm not going to leave you. And on the rare occasions when you do talk to me, you talk to me like a dog and you're so cold, it's as if you can't stand me. No one has ever talked to me like you did on Thanksgiving Day. I'm not even excited about the holidays this year, because it's just more days that we should be spending together and we aren't. Do you even care how much you hurt me? Do you care how this affects me at all? Do you know how much I sacrifice to put your feelings first? Have you even gone back to the doctor to change your damn medicine to one that works? Sometimes I can't tell if it's your PTSD or if you just like having an excuse to be an ass. I haven't talked to you since Thanksgiving, but that's okay because for the first time I haven't WANTED to. But f*ck what I want or what I need, right?

Well f*ck your PTSD.

And the days that I miss your ass piss me off even more. :mad::banghead:

I want the old you back.

 

[Sweetpea76]

When do I get to have a meltdown? When do you have to listen to ME rant and rave for a change??? You f*cking pissed me off tonight, and *I* sucked it up like I ALWAYS do instead of telling you that your head was straight up your ass. Guess what ***shouts through bullhorn*** "YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT THIS...I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG, AND YOU'RE NOT MY CO. I DONT HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU SAY!!!!!"

Holy shitballs... It's MY job, I think I know what I'm talking about. Grrrrrr

It's too early to break plates, so I'm out here pouting and smoking in the dark. You keep your jolly ass in the house there, Slappy. My patience only goes so far.

 

[Sighs]

You think you're the only one who is angry about this shit? When are you going to pull your head out of your arse and realise that I'm in the f*cking trench beside you? If I have to hear one more time about how you're running a f*cking one man show with no help from anyone - when I've put your needs and wants above mine each and every f*cking day for three years now? I swear to god you will find out what anger looks like.

 

[Ronin]

To the ex, who the f*ck do you think you are?

How the f*ck do you plan to blame all of what you did on PTSD?

And I'm not talking about what you did to me and mine. I'm not talking about all the ridiculous f*cking abuse you spouted at both me & DF. I'm talking about That Kid. I won't f*cking forgive you ever, don't you try to say that was PTSD, or any of your other numerous bullshit diagnoses, you're f*cked up in the head, you've been at it for years, you refuse to get a grip and change, you've done too much f*cking damage already, and I'm short on words, die in a fire tu hijo de puta.