The Beast Raises Its Head

[darrenS]

i was doing well and woke up today and am having all sorts of trouble , i had a major interview yesterday and it was the third, its a good job with decent pay , however on thursday i got an email that i had to sit for 3 online programming tests. I also started a fill in job on Monday to tide me over till i get back into my profession, so i had to do the tests late at night

So the stress of juggling things has been getting to me and then to have to sit for three tests in languages i use would usually be simple, however i was really stressed and just got more stressed , i flunked the tests , i simply could not think - i still had the interview and the job was not about programming, i did well but couldnt help but feel uncomfortable - like i was just going through the motions for them.

i really freaked when they sent the tests as i knew i wouldn't be able to think. The other problem was an agnet called with another position and he was the person who helped the employer that interviewed me with the test, so now i have an agent who has seen the test results - its crazy i have a solid track record of nearly 100 sites with the majority fully done either by myself or my company.

But i feel cornered , embarrassed and really depressed now and am sinking, i even cancelled therapy as im just so tired of this BS called PTSD, im trying to hold on, but another part just says let go...whatever - fugg it

 

[Friday]

Back to basics. Breathe. Eat something, take a shower/wash off the day, get some sleep, and table all the rest until tomorrow. Go bleed some stress off the cup. Get right with yourself before trying to tackle the problems of the days.

______
Just because you're embarrassed:
My ex was/is in tech... Sr./TeamLead DBA & RD stuff.

The tests are a fairly easy fix, since they're static. Once you're recharged / de-stressed & choose to? You retake them, when as you say, they'll be a snap. No worries. If you want to. Least they're not like flubbing a whiteboard marathon interview, right? And everyone flubs some of those. I've sat at countless tables /company functions and pub crawls/ listening to people regale horror stories of whiteboard interviews. At one of his companies, the 2 most epic interview fails (verifiable & yeah right) would each win a bottle of scotch.(That was a fun company). Anyone who has been anywhere near tech knows, that just like a singer forgetting the words to their own song, or the day every string breaks, the key is off, no one remembers their cues... everyone has an off day. And usually the worst of them are interview days (or launch days). Because usually, you're multitasking. Episode of Sopranos running in the background, music downloading, texting, flipping through a more interesting project you're ramping up on (or refreshing a language you haven't used in a few months), etc... Not staring at a blank white board i(or unfamiliar homepage) in silence, with an audience to preform for. Even for non-PTSD folk, interviewing can simply be a nightmare. Bad interviews aren't a reflection of you. They're simply a thing that happens...to everyone. Sooner or later. PTSD or not.

 

[darrenS]

Thanks Friday...im trying ...its still a battle with intrusive thoughts etc as ive had a personal /relationship issue explode at the same time - im cycling pretty bad at the moment and cant seem to get a handle on it...i have my son with me who i am taking to a swim meet shortly , thank good his mom is there , i went yesterday and the amount of people just made me worse - theres a lot more to the situation than i can explain , and that in itself has triggered a range of emotional flashbacks and disassociation. I have trouble when im like this as i tend to start destroying everything in front of me ...some people self harm...my urges wont allow me to slash or anything but instead i break what i have built.- smash a good painting etc ...i hate myself for it and try my hardest not to - but it becomes a battle with 2 thought trains - i will drop my son off and go for a walk ...i have to get it under control , im in a very dangerous space

thanks for your support it means a lot

 

[darrenS]

Friday -even talking about it with you makes it easier , and helps enormously because i know you understand - even my ex wife dosent get it and just tells me to pull my head out of my rear - of course that invokes even more...thanks for listening it means a lot