The d word - what do you feel you deserve?

[Rose White]

we deserve abolution of self blame.

This touches on something for me. Last night as I was going to bed (hell, just a moment ago) my brain was prattling off the compulsive “I hate myself”. It’s almost like a soothing thing strangely? (Ugh, I’m so frustrated with how bad it’s gotten again!). Anyway, do I deserve to live free of that compulsion, that thought tic? I’d like to think so, but it’s so tied up with my early childhood experiences, that in a way it’s like saying I deserve to live free of some disease I was born with. And that kind of makes sense but is also a fantasy. Idk I’m tangled.

 

[user27357]

lots if work on this lately myself

I’d like to think so, but it’s so tied up with my early childhood experiences, that in a way it’s like saying I deserve to live free of some disease I was born with.

i think for me the hurdle might be staying aware that this was childhood stuff and is going to get expunged from my juvenile record a little at a time as i give myself some credit for being an adult that is in no danger of being abused and now knows I was just eleven so it never was my fault anyway

 

[Rose White]

an adult that is in no danger of being abused

I think this is where the self-hate comes from. When the caregiver (life giver) was the abuser, then the very foundation of self and homebase is braided with abuse. Therefore, if there is no threat of abuse, then there is no sense of “self/home”— so the solution is to fill the void with self-abuse to at least feel familiar toward oneself.

Been thinking about deserve vs faith. Not the spiritual kind… well maybe but not in a dogmatic way. In religion (all afaik) there is a kind of “I deserve nothing” humility (except for the relatively new “prosperity gospel”, but putting that aside) and a sense that “the universe will provide.” Setting aside any ideas of prayer or intercession, let’s just take that mindset…

What does humility in the face of “deserving” provide? It releases one into a state of gratitude. It also resolves anxiety about the future and brings us back into that golden present moment, right?

So what’s the problem? I’m not quite sure, but I think it’s related to the concept of “self”. If the concept of self is so weak, then it can feel like faith and gratitude and presence are paradoxically EASY! But if a person has recovered a certain amount of “self” then they can protect themselves, set goals, envision a better life.

I think this is where “deserve” gets tricky. And maybe it’s tricky all along. Maybe there are different angles of looking at it. Can we hone in on the “right” kind of deserve?

I suppose it eludes pinning down, like any good ethic. Which is why I bring in “faith” as a kind of counter weight. If I’m getting too bogged down in “where’s MY good life?” Perhaps I can lean back onto faithfulness in my own complicated path. And remember that faith is nothing without hard work.

I think the hard work gets mixed up with “I don’t deserve anything, I earn it.” Yet sometimes that can lead to its own kind of disenchantment—“I’ve worked hard enough, where’s my good life?” And then that can become a kind of self-hatred too, as in, “Obviously you need to work a little harder, [insert insult].”

Sorry my thoughts are all over the map on this one.

 

[Rose White]

You deserve to rest

Found a d-word in the wild (Sorry Freida lol)

Who would disagree with this? I know it depends… but in general… and maybe especially for us PTSD folks, this seems reasonable, yeah?And how many of us rail against it?? Or collapse with exhaustion and take that as proof that we’re lazy?

 

[user56652]

Oh
But denied to the majority of us.

But then I also see all the guilt people have who have had some of the people who harmed them successfully prosecuted. So maybe justice helps heal one thing but leaves others open? Idk.

so maybe along with justice we deserve abolution of self blame.

Spot on my friend.

 

[Rose White]

I just heard a quote, “You’re owed nothing, but deserve everything.” It was from a song called “Mami Loves You,” by The Floacist.

I think this quote separates the nuance between entitlement and intrinsic human worth. We are not entitled to success or recognition simply because we work hard. And every human deserves love, respect, and dignity but no other human is morally obligated to provide any of that—therefore the task is to recognize our worth regardless of what others do or say to us.

 

[Rose White]

recognize our worth regardless of what others do or say to us

And the million dollar question is how to do that when your developmental conditioning is steeped in the opposite of recognizing your worth?

I’m realizing that *even for people raised by loving caregivers* recognizing their own worth is a challenge! (Due to a variety of factors, including societal and media messages.)

And this realization that *everyone* is challenged at recognizing their own worth kind of opens the door to the possibility—because that tells me that no one gets a free ride.

 

[Friday]

I think the human rights act defines worthiness.

The Human Rights Act was so STRONGLY debated, that it’s an anorexic/castrated/ghost of what it could/should be.

Shoot for ideals, land in the shitter.

 

[Torch]

And the million dollar question is how to do that when your developmental conditioning is steeped in the opposite of recognizing your worth?

I’m realizing that *even for people raised by loving caregivers* recognizing their own worth is a challenge! (Due to a variety of factors, including societal and media messages.)

And this realization that *everyone* is challenged at recognizing their own worth kind of opens the door to the possibility—because that tells me that no one gets a free ride.

What do you think happens to someone who once had a 'good enough' self-worth, but gets brainwashed or re-programmed to have a terrible self-worth?

 

[Rose White]

What do you think happens to someone who once had a 'good enough' self-worth, but gets brainwashed or re-programmed to have a terrible self-worth?

They descend into despair and feel confused because they had a good enough family/upbringing and “shouldn’t” feel this way.

 

[user27357]

Being a member of a generation raised to appreciate the freedoms and liberties our grandfathers and fathers had fought to preserve in europe and south korea i think i deserve to be tasked with maintaining those same ideals in my time and for my grandkids time in the country i hope they choose to stay in.
Not talking about a good economy, a nation free of immigrants or fighting a war on the influx of drugs. Im talking about the rule of law and the civil rights of the citizens of this country. We deserve to be spared the fascism that so many seem blind to and willing to accept. we deserve better. we have earned it over the past 250 years.

 

[parrotthepolly]

They descend into despair and feel confused because they had a good enough family/upbringing and “shouldn’t” feel this way.

That's too much of a generalisation since I don't feel confused at all. I don't understand what a good upbringing has to do with this but it's possible for family members, especially the one that raised me who made me realise I shouldn't value my life and will never be good enough since they always compared me to my classmates and neighbours about anything I do that they weren't happy about even if I was.
Just didn't realise how damaging this can be to a growing mind but before I realised I thought I was valued.