The d word - what do you feel you deserve?

[parrotthepolly]

I'm learning that I deserve to be held in mind and thought about.
And I'm learning what that feels like. And how magical that is.

Not every thought about you is positive and it may or may not have been deserved.

 

[parrotthepolly]

This I relate to. For the longest time I believed my therapist never thinks about me between the session and hardly recalls anything I’ve said. And I always spoke as if I’d never addressed the topic at hand before. Cause it’d be too bold to assume she finds my stuff worth remembering (attachment wound much…?). And every time she implied that she’s been thinking about me between sessions I nearly lost my shit.

So yeah, I definitely relate! And it feels so heartbreaking to type these things. Like, being remembered and thought about are not quite the most extreme things to wish for. Speaks volumes about the level of attachment trauma, this shit.

Therapists are paid to work through your memories and thoughts so it's not like they have the choice to ignore them, just saying. Some of them care and some pretend to, you never know!
They're trained to read facial expressions so it's not that difficult to mimic ones they want to portray.
They're trained to act caring and not judge so who knows what horrible ideas could be brewing in their heads.

Personally I do not enjoy being perceived much. Can't lie I feel happy when people remembered tiny details about me but when they get things wrong more often that can change my mind real quick. To be fair, I hardly tell anything so it's like I'm dead to a lot of people and makes sense they seem to give associate with other people and I did chose to isolate a lot so not anyone else's fault.

 

[Rose White]

@Freemartin you explained it very well! :) Makes a lot of sense. Personally, idk how to go beyond understanding to whatever it is that we’re supposed to do with that understanding in order to “get better.” But I’ve heard that understanding helps.

 

[Freemartin]

Personally, idk how to go beyond understanding to whatever it is that we’re supposed to do with that understanding in order to “get better.”

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?
I’ve found understanding really helpful as it reduces the feeling of being sick and twisted in shameful, random ways. But when it comes to symptoms and the ways these things effect my life? Not so much.

The most helpful things I’ve come across are EMDR and somatic processing. Nothing else really changes this stuff on a deeper level.

 

[Rose White]

Need to research somatic processing. Heard the term. Have a vague idea of what it is. No concrete understanding.

 

[Movingforward10]

Need to research somatic processing. Heard the term. Have a vague idea of what it is. No concrete understanding.

Same.

 

[Freemartin]

I don’t mean somatic processing as any official method, I just referred to the thing where I sit on T’s couch and tell her what I notice in my body. Then I kinda just feel the sensations, and pictures, thoughts and emotions surface. And then T asks what I notice. And I either tell her or not. And back to bodily sensations I go etc.

After a few rounds of noticing and feeling stuff in my body and getting thoughts, pictures and/or emotions the bodily sensations shift from anxious fight/flight/freeze stuff to this kind of triumphant strong feeling. And a sense of relief and laughter.

I think Peter Levine’s stuff might be somewhat related to this, dunno. But it’s actually quite magical.

 

[Mach123]

I’m doing sand play and emdr in therapy which I had today. I like it. I’ve been avoiding this sand play. I’m a little bit afraid of it. It might not be that I’m afraid of it. I’m not sure. I think I’m afraid it’s gonna show her my subconscious mind which is exactly what it to designed to do. I did a tray for her today I’d been thinking about it so I knew I wanted to. To answer the original question I think I deserve good things, but my actions show that somehow I feel differently.

 

[Freemartin]

To answer the original question I think I deserve good things, but my actions show that somehow I feel differently.

Oh wow, I can so much relate! Those actions, and lack thereof, speak volumes. Especially therapy tends to bring those things out (as I’m sure it’s supposed to).