The Denial Wall

[Venator]

Last night I've felt so overhwelmed I don't know what to do. The .5 mg of Xanax helped a lot for a while but it eventually wore off. I've been having more and more nightmares. I don't know if I'm doing it to myself or what because I've been thinking about my trauma and trying to work through it more.

I actually keep trying to tell myself that I'll get over it and I'm just making it up.

 

[OKRADLAK]

This is such a profound thread! Yes....and it is fostered a lot by helpers. "Fake it till you make it....." "Act as if" etc.

I am faking now and it is painful because I know it will fall through. I am pretending when I am with friends am OK and they like me. I am with people I want to be with and am liked by people I want to be liked by.

THey know nothing.

When they find out, when I crack, when I have a breakdown, when I show the first signs I cannot explain away..........

What will I do then? It will all be dropped right into my lap. :(

It is already starting. I am beginning to leave events early, always leave church, cannot stand to be in such a stimulating environ., and it's is starting to show.

I expain it away. I hold my cell phone to my ear and act as if I have a phone call and hurridly leave. But I can't do that forever.

So Yes, I deny deny deny.................I am hoping some things good will happen while I fake so that it will not be fake anymore and I can be happy really?

 

[Heather]

(((((Okradlak))))

 

[mamachick]

'Here in the middle of the night' - probably affects a lot brat.:(
Persevere, it's ok, tomorrow(s) can get better.
(((((((brat))))))), xox

Than you Junebug

 

[mamachick]

Okradlak, I think sometimes faking it is not the worst and it does not mean things have to come to a crash. Maybe the phrase should be "imagine it until you achieve it" rather than fake it til you make it. Practicing a self confident attitude can bring about self confidence. Practicing assertiveness brings about assertiveness. At first they may be uncomfortable, then we can become more comfortable with it. Be proud for your achievement. Sounds like good progress to me. You have not forgot who you are or where you are coming from, just practicing something that feels unfamiliar. I want to socialize but cant often bring myself to it yet. Im glad for you:-)

 

[seedling]

I started to feel less like I was faking it in public (which was painful for me, too) when I was able to accept it a little more. After that, I knew I still wasn't honest when I said "fine" when someone asked how I was, but it didn't matter so much anymore if I lied a little. I knew I wasn't fine and that was enough. Maybe that's a symptom of being able to accept it more? After months of therapy.

I had less of the feeling that I was always saying in my head: "can't you see the way I am, how can you notice anything else, how can you think I'd be thinking of anything else but how bad I feel and how hard it is"? Maybe I was trying to convince myself and once I had a sense of some kind of acceptance that voice died down. Maybe I'm the one who can "see" the way I am now. I'm still self-conscious about my sypmtoms but not paranoid as much about what others will think - maybe I don't try so hard.

Is it that I understand it more, that therapy has taken some of the hard edge off of it? Don't know.

 

[seedling]

brat - I used to do the serious flip-flops over my diagnosis. Even before I was diagnosed, half the time I was convinced I had PTSD and half the time I thought I was crazy for even considering it. After I started going to therapy most of the times I went, for the first 6 months, I had the feeling I would go in, sit down and he would say "just kidding, you don't have it."

I still get the totally unreal feeling over it every now and then. Maybe having that symptom only confirms that we really do have it - lol.

 

[mamachick]

Denial=sometimes I think Im just an A hole. Someone who cant quite get it together. The core of me also knows that is not true. Saw my T today and discussed changes I want to make. While we all have the same thing here, I think we all have taken on different roles according to family demands. She said that if I want to move, I need to let loose of the heavy ox cart. Wow-how true that is. I dont want to take it with me. I am just soooo tired. I apologize for feeling sorry for myself.

 

[seedling]

Letting go of the ox-cart sounds great. A good way of putting it.
My negative words about myself are: "I'm such a jerk." And I do think this when I can't do something or feel I've failed.

Interesting to think of this as linked to the denial, thanks.

 

[mamachick]

seedling I understand that. I usually think that way from the after effects of things. I feel like I constantly have no one to help when I really need it. I take responsibility because I know we do teach people how to treat us. So I am also looking at making a move that I have wanted for a long time. I need to stay in reality as the ox cart is coming with me if I dont make some changes

 

[PrivateUser]

I just get tired of the battle and want to pretend it isn't raging. The more I know and learn, the more I understand and that is all good. I like to believe I am healing. I know I am healing. I just don't want to have to heal in the first place. It sometimes simply makes me angry I am having to deal with the anxiety, the distrust, the anger. I get frustrated that I am in this situation... I certainly never asked to be abused, neglected, etc. I don't ever really want to go back to before I knew - I was miserable and didn't know why. I just don't want to have to deal with it at all. I want to be able to go out and have fun with friends. I want to just simply enjoy life. It is rare moments when life just seems good. I guess I am hoping the filtering system becomes more automatic because it is a heck of a lot of work right now!

This post is from a couple of months ago, but I just read this and wanted to say that this perfectly describes where I am at this moment. I'm grateful to have an understanding of what is going on with me, but I'm so tired of fighting the battle, and angry that I have to deal with it in the first place. I feel very much like none of this is fair. And I'm frustrated that it takes so long to heal - even though logically I know that such deep pain from a trauma that occurred so long ago is naturally going to take some time to process. It can just be so tough to manage my expectations, you know?

 

[mamachick]

Denial that I have been pulling an ox cart. Denial that I have reduced my life to a tiny little circle. Denial that somedays putting one foot in front of the other is about all I can accomplish. Denial that success is just going out of the house. Denial that my daughter now berates me because she has lost her mother. Denial that I am sorry I have brought any children into this world. Denial that I have to pretend to get through life. Denial that I secretly doubt it will get any better.