The Importance Of Personal Boundaries.

[saffy]

I work now on deciding on how I would like to be treated. How I would take more control over it and not just let things happen and get out of control. What my needs are at this moment. I also decided how I wanted to be, what my views were and what my likes and dislikes are. I learnt it is ok for US to be treated equally, for us to disagree or for us have differences in opinions and preferences. It is ok for me to say yes or no and not feel guilty about it.

I like to think with any relationship we are there to look after each other and each others needs as well as our own.

Bullies tend to look after their own needs first and forget to reciprocate the gesture causing resentment and anger and upset for the other person. Their own issues are making them so self absorbed and narcissistic that they are in perpetual need of attention but are never satisfied. They themselves probably have inconsistent or no boundaries and assert themselves aggressively to gain control and a sense of importance.

Well enough said....

for the moment anyway. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[MissMacD]

This is my first healthy relationship which I have been in since I was 25. I wasn't in a relationship long enough before this one to establish comfortable boundaries.

1. I need my own personal space - this is literal. In my living space it is essential not optional for me to have my own room so that I have somewhere quiet to sleep and recover when I am overwhelmed.

2. If anyone tries to play therapist with me which my boyfriend has tried at times they get shut down right away. My therapist is the only person who is qualified to pry at me because I always end up paying dearly if they trigger something. I am a ticking unpredictable bomb.

3. I get very overwhelmed and uncomfortable if people are too affectionate with me and I will address it as soon as I feel it, if the person does not respect it I stand my ground. This comes from having a very touchy feely boyfriend.

4. PTSD makes me overstimulated by sensory things which leads to nasty panic attacks if I don't address it right away. If the source of the noise is someone in my house I a) ask them to use headphones or shut off the noise or b) go to another room if they are not producing the source that is making me feel overstimulated

5. I need my partner to have great personal hygiene habits - my boyfriend is really lazy and doesn't wash his hair or shower or brush his teeth as often as I'd like. The result is that I am less intimate with him because being stale is a huge turn off for me.

This was tough. I think I need to bookmark these somewhere and start sticking to them. The hard part for me is feeling like I am in a standoff with the other person and giving in to because I think I am pleasing them by giving in.

 

[saffy]

Hi MissMacD

They sound like very good boundaries.

I can see you are looking after your own needs whilst not pushing him away. By setting these it also gives the other person responsibility and consequences. Clearly if he does not you are in a better place to stop it straight away because you have already made things very clear.

If a person makes you feel you have a stand off it means he has either not really listened or is going against your wishes without good cause. One thing I learnt is that giving in to please the other person causes inner conflict and resentment and dismisses your needs altogether. For him you have not continued to assert your boundary and you are letting him know that they are not worth anything and so he can do what he likes. By setting boundaries you will both know where you stand :)

I think that is very healthy and mature and fair. You are not giving him anything difficult to do or understand either but the results will be a happier more respectful relationship for both of you :)

I am really pleased for you :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

I wasn't in a relationship long enough before this one to establish comfortable boundaries.

As a further thought:

The problem for me is that I did not make them soon enough and let things ride so not to 'upset' the apple cart, fear of abandonment and rejection I suppose, I had no idea what boundaries where or how to assert them.

I have realised It does not work. When I do start making late boundaries it causes conflict because of the sudden change. For me there has to be boundaries straight away which are suitable for that phase of the relationship. They can then change and develop as the relationship goes further. I have learned that for each step, from the first meeting , boundaries let the person know that you are looking after your needs and they should respect that and do this also. And visa versa :)

Now, until I find someone who is open and respects my boundaries then I am better off as single :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I did not have any boundries before. I did not know what they were. I did not know I had the rights to stand up for myself. I was pretty much steamrolled.

I am still learning about boundries. I am still weak in some areas and this makes me feel bad for myself. I gave my kids boundries and they functioned better than me. They knew when their boundries were being violated.

I usually do pretty good. But I have grown complacent with my sister and just let her call the shots because she is so sick. I still need to have boundries with her. I only have phone contact with her because she lives far away for me to drive. I can handle drives I am familiar with. She could come over here and she has not. So we keep in touch with the phone.

I do not tell her how I really am. She is a big gossip and I do not want her talking about me behind my back. I will have to ask her not to talk about people behind their back to me. I cannot handle that anymore. At least it wil be honest.

But most of the time I can say not to that which is harmful to me. This is a great thread. I like to have closure, but sometimes that is not possible.

 

[saffy]

I do not tell her how I really am. She is a big gossip

Hi Gizmo

There is nothing worse than a gossip, I am surronded by them. However, I only tell them things on a need to know basis.

Just because she is your sister does not mean you have to disclose everything to her. Maybe if she was listening out of compassion, but it sounds like she is just getting stuff to talk about. Doesn't sound like she has much of a life then eh!

I somewhat feel sorry for people who have nothing else in their lives but to chat about mine, which isn't really that exciting anyway :laugh:

Boundaries are there to look after your needs whilst not treading over someone elses. As much as you are seeing to her needs by calling, for example, your needs also have to be met so that there is peace. If you think she is going to gossip about things you tell her then your need of someone to talk to is being abused, if that makes sense, and so this is not equal and will cause conflict. Likewise, If you do not wish to hear about other gossip.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Saffy for saying what you did about my sister. She must not have much of a life to talk about other people. I always tell her I am fine and well. She always remarks on how cheerful I sound. I do not confide in her. I am going to ask her not to talk to me about other people. She is really sick and dying slowly. Her life is going to go through some changes and I do not know what to expect.

She is toxic to me and is very draining to be around. She has a terrible temper and has been abusive for most of her life. She is the last remaining relative I have from my family of origin. She has a daughter and a grandson who is autistic and has adhd. I do not know the daughter because my sister keeps her away from me. I do not get to talk to her hardly at all.

I know she was abused as a child. I know I need to set some more boundries on my sister now. She is just getting stuff to talk about from me. I am just now beginning to get a clear picture of her. I have been confused because I felt guilty about not liking her. I am finally beginning to find peace about this fact. I would never be friends with her if I had a choice. But she is my sister.

I survived better than her. I made healthier choices. She did not. She drank and used drugs a great deal of her life. She calls herself white trash. She has very low self esteem. I have seen her anger once. It was very inappropriate. There is alot of bad between us.

She has always used me to make herself feel good I see that now. I was a source of comfort for her. But I am tired of being like this with her. I do not know how I want to be, but it is a change I am seeking. Anyways thank you again Saffy.

 

[MissMacD]

I survived better than her. I made healthier choices. She did not. She drank and used drugs a great deal of her life. There is alot of bad between us.

I stand in the same place with my sister. She got into amphetamines in university and I don't think that she ever got out. She is a closet drug user and can function quite well under the influence. She hides her habits and usually when she stops talking to me is when she goes back into another substance abuse cycle. I finally had enough of her coming and going in my life and put my foot down a few years ago. I told her that she can be here all the time or not at all and I haven't heard much from her since.

When she was in my life she loved it when I was struggling but when I started thriving and got a great boyfriend she sent me the most unforgiving email I have ever received. She basically told me that I didn't deserve it and that I was fake and that his family would find out that I was nuts and not want me around anymore. Here I am three years later with the same boyfriend and we are doing well. There is no substance abuse or violence in our relationship. She hates me when I do well, she hates me when I am ill. She hates me period. I have never felt such rejection from a person in my life yet for years I let her come and go.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

MissMacD, I am sad that you also struggle with your sister. She must be envious of you. I do not get told off by my sister but she has made passive aggressive digs at me that I let slide because I was so in denial about her and was making excuses and making allowances for her. I needed to be doing that for me.

I am glad that your sister leaves you alone. You are lucky. I am amazed how common a problem this is. It happens alot. The abuse of our childhoods left us all in roles to play. Well I do not want to play the role anymore. I honestly do not know if my sister really quit drinking alchol as she has lied to me about it before. That was causing alot of problems. She said she drank to take the edge off.

I am sorry your sister is taking drugs. The damage she is doing to her body will eventually catch up with her and she will be old before her time.

I am glad you are doing so well. You made the healthy choices. And you are reaping the joys of that. i say good for you. Hugs.

 

[saffy]

Hi Gizmo and MissMacD

It is a shame but we have to admit that sometimes we have to stand back and let go of our 'family duty' for the sake of our own health and happiness. Your sisters sound like they are on self distruct and can only gain false ego by putting someone else down or constantly complaining.

I think as well a lesson could be learnt in that we are all responsible for our own happiness and wellbeing first, your sisters included. The damage they cause by their negative venom and actions is not healthy for anyone, them incuded, and yet they do nothing to help themselves. I understand it can be hard with illnesses but on the flip side there are a million cancer patients out there all living every minute of precious time in a positive way.

Family 'duty' can cause guilt and resentment and conflict. I have had times when I can say I love you your my family but I do not like your behaviour and I have got the right to choose not to like your behaviour or put up with it if it makes me feel .........................insert personal feelings here..................:)

It must be so hard watching someone going through self distruct. You feel so helpless, but really you can only be a guide and protector, the change has to come through them. SOmetimes they have to hit rock bottom to realise that. But having no control over anothers life in reality we should also learn not to feel guilty or confused about how their lives are panning out.

Heres to peace and happiness :)

best wishes
Saffy :)