The Importance Of Personal Boundaries.

[Aribear]

1. I have the right to be respected for voicing my opinion. I do not allow others to disrespect me and I cut off contact with those who do not see or hear me. I do not waste my time and energy on circular arguments that go now where and anger only escalated.
2. I have the right to be talked to in a respectful manner. I do not tolerate sarcasm or cruel comments, I will say something and set a limit on that.

Thank you for this post. I am just starting to learn how to set boundaries and these two are pretty much exactly like my big two right now. It's still kind of a work in progress for me to stick with them and always enforce them, but it has already helped so much.

 

[saffy]

I haven't had this experience around one kind of group.

Hi Rightkindofme,

Can I ask? You are not obliged to answer though so do not worry if you don't :)
What happens before hand then? What position are you in when they start to demand or expect sex? Where are you meeting these type of people?

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Don't want to interrupt, but I have found these 'kind' of people can be all different professionals- mine have been Dr's, med students, a bus driver, contractors etc. Not even (necessarily) dates.

Not sure if rkom's experience is the same, but it always gets down to a physical contest (attempt at physical overpowering).

 

[saffy]

Yes it takes all type :)

I think there is an element of mental control also. Sometimes power raises arrogant behaviour where they just think they automatically have the right to have something or use their position to protect themselves which is very devious behaviour.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[rightkindofme]

Can I ask?
What happens before hand then? What position are you in when they start to demand or expect sex? Where are you meeting these type of people?

I feel extremely uncomfortable with having to justify why people feel they have the right to have sex with me without my consent. Because they are bad people. What position am I in? Uhm, that... yeah.

The position I am in is being a lonely stupid girl who will talk to people who want to talk to me. I don't do that any more. I have now managed to go six years without being raped.

Yeah. Questions like this are why I don't try to make friends with men any more. Because the only pattern is that I am involved. So it must be all my fault.

Where do I meet them? In school. In church. On the internet (through mutual friends). At friend's houses.

Yeah. Ok. I'm going to go cry for a while. What do I do to bring this on myself? I exist.

 

[saffy]

So it must be all my fault.

Its is not your fault at all. Some people think that beings in certain situation can encourage or mislead others which make them think they can do what they like, so they balme you for encouraging or misleading them. Rubbish.

They had to have that mentality themselves because other men can restrain themselves or remain a gentlemen no matter how drunk or flurtatious you were. Therefore it is the fault of these men that take advantage and use force and power to get what they want. Your fear might be misenterpreted but I doubt it, you remaining still and in fear they must be able to feel that or they have no senses themselves just pure self gratification. You might not have had the courage to show them boundaries but that does not mean they should take advantage of that. These type like the fact that they can do what they like and you do not stop them, that is pure selfishness to just take. Now whose to fault? Certainly not you my friend :)

You have come so far as to not let it happen for a long time and you have been strong and stayed away from that atmostphere and type of people. You are using your own judgement to not be involved with those people anymore or do that sort of thing any more. Give yourself some credit for this and allow yourself to find people you do value to be around, try to set yourself some boundaries and start doing something you enjoy :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[rightkindofme]

no matter how drunk or flurtatious you were.

I feel like the top of my head is going to explode with rage. I was neither drunk nor flirtatious. I feel very insulted.

 

[saffy]

Rightkindofme

That was not aimed at you personally.

It was just an example of no matter what a persons behaviour or dresscode is does not give anyone the right to take advantage of the situation.

Sorry I should have explained it better. But it definately was not meant to insult or anger you.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi Saffy,

I was just wondering what type of therapy you have had in the past and if you are currently working with a T? I think it can be so helpful to have T when it comes to developing boundaries. Other than the obvious need for one to help with the trauma itself of course. Are you with a T and have you had T in the past and what type and what for?

 

[MissMacD]

I have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries.

 

[saffy]

Hi Abstract

I am not having therapy at the moment as there is a huge waiting list and I cannot afford to go private. I do a lot of research and find all different belief systems, self help practises, personal interests and therapeutic advances and practises. I am on a discovery of self without any outside influence or conditioning allowing me to become more of a person in my own right. I have been on lots of forums also so get information and support in that way.

I like to think that I have to find myself and look for my own paths and like to deal with things as they come up. I do a lot of self analysing and people watching. I do a profile on things to see my strengths and weaknesses and this allows me to set myself attainable goals. I am also working on improving relaxation, self confidence, self efficacy and anxiety reduction using techniques and strategies based on sports performance but adapted to daily living.

I have also worked on being able to clear my mind and quieten inner dialogue when I get times to give myself a total rest. I get brain ache otherwise ;)

I saw a psychotherapist years ago and found he was a little helpful and would say he practised Person Centred therapy. I had to move though so could not see him again. I also did the ABC Counselling concepts course which was very interesting and informative.

Best wishes

Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

I have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries.

Hi MissMacD

I found that I had to start really small at first and work up. Meanwhile the boundaries I was unsure I was able to enforce I tried to stay out of situations that might cause this. One of my boundaries was based on how much drink I would allow myself to have. I can stick to that it is a personal one. Also where and who I go out with. With others I would make a boundary for how familiar I would let them be and decided when and why I would say things like 'I am feeling uneasy by what you said/did if you continue I will leave; or 'I am not happy about the way you are speaking to me so I am leaving/not speaking to you any longer'

Equal respect and looking after your own needs as well as others can lead to more productive relationships :)


Best wishes
Saffy :)