The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Not able to communicate, much, still, yet.

Went to dawty's. Did the meeting. Took oldest sono to the beach.
He wants to come live here, when he gets out, in two weeks.
Mental Health will be helping him get his own place, but, in the meantime, my place is it. Two weeks away.
I'm a bit zombie, right now. Hence can't talk about feelings or anything. Tired.
I'm releived that he's not going back to Dad's though.

 

[mumstheword]

So happy for you!

Thank you @Freida. :-) We, really, have a lovely relationship now. Which is wonderful because I have always adored her and when she turned on me and was very nasty, abusive, angry, rejecty and ganged up on me with her dad, as a teenager, I was heartbroken and utterly at a loss, of how to fix it and it, emotionally, devastated me.
I know it was not her fault, she needed me to be stronger than I was, she was, and these are her words "brainwashed" by her narcy dad.
I don't hold anything against her.
This went on for 9 years, but many of them were the shunning years. But from 14 to 16, it was very hurtful and a constant thing, where he would tank her up, abuse me in front of her, and watch her being abusive to me with a smug smirk on his face. She even threatened to punch me, for dancing at the pub and "embarrassing her". But didn't go through with it.
By the end of it, I was begging for him to have me admitted to the local psych hospital, but, instead, he screamed in my face, that I was crazy, for, I don't know how long. A long time.

The last thing his mask slipped, over, has really put her in a position of resolve, which is good, because gaslit kid's, and mine are no exception, have very selective memories, they dissociate, a lot, over the abusive parents abusive behaviour, and because she came to us for support, we were able to help her put things in a more realistic frame/perspective. It helps that she is drug free, these days.

She wants to see all her sibs out of dad's.

I am relieved but, it's hard to feel happy, because I have been immersed in a situation that is ongoingly, vicariously, traumatizing. And it's not resolved and I still have young adult children, in danger.

 

[mumstheword]

I know, part of what has me feeling so unsafe is that I'm suspicious that my new T is not genuine and it's terrifying.

Triggery.

Fakeness = they could be some kind of psychopath or narcissist, like my ex and mother.

The second thing is all the dishonest media and how it is gaslighting everyone. Like it is, there is no question in my mind, the (bulk of the) msm is corrupt, dishonest and has interests that are not the common peoples.

And you can't tell people that. It scares them, that the people they rely on, to tell them about the important things that are going on in the world, might be lying to them or misleading them, gaslighting them or manipulating them.

I've had waaay to much of it, in my life, or nearly destroyed me. It DID destroy my being-in-touch-with-reality-ness for a long time, or nearly got me killed, it has caused many family members to get very unwell and to develop MH problems and drug dependencies. So I can't afford to be duped by liars or selfish, hyperbolic drama queens who get off on frightening people and manipulating them, and I don't have the emotional or mental energy to confront or be subject to everyone who has niavely, bought into such harmful trollop and agendas.

So the world is more and just as, unsafe.

 

[Sideways]

Is it a good idea for you to bring your oldest to live with you?

Just some thinking points:
1) does your tenancy agreement allow that?
2) there is usually a social worker in treatment and recovery centres, and much of their work will involve helping patients find housing, for those patients who have none
3) if your son is able to say "I don't have housing", which he can if you don't offer him a room at your place (as awful as that sounds), that's
a) usually the best and quickest way to get help from the social worker
b) usually, a facility can't knowingly discharge a person to homelessness (legally); and
c) being able to say "I'm homeless right now, and am facing imminent discharge from a treatment facility" is not only an excellent way to skip the 10 year waiting period for public or community housing, it may the only real opportunity your adult son has as cutting through the wait list for housing.

Like I said, just thinking points.

I know you want to do the best thing for him. But in his situation, that doesn't necessarily mean offering him a bed. That may, in fact, make it harder for him to access housing (because a couch-surfer is a far less urgent situation than a person in hospital being discharged to the street), and ultimately, independent housing is probably his goal?

Certainly for both me and my sister, we had to be utterly homeless before we could actually access housing. I stayed in hospital until a place came up for me, and my sister stayed in a halfway house.

If either of us had been couch-surfing at mum or dad's when we needed housing? We'd still be waiting for housing now.

 

[mumstheword]

Is it a good idea for you to bring your oldest to live with you?

Just some thinking points:
1) does your tenancy agreement allow that?
2) there is usually a social worker in treatment and recovery centres, and much of their work will involve helping patients find housing, for those patients who have none
3) if your son is able to say "I don't have housing", which he can if you don't offer him a room at your place (as awful as that sounds), that's
a) usually the best and quickest way to get help from the social worker
b) usually, a facility can't knowingly discharge a person to homelessness (legally); and
c) being able to say "I'm homeless right now, and am facing imminent discharge from a treatment facility" is not only an excellent way to skip the 10 year waiting period for public or community housing, it may the only real opportunity your adult son has as cutting through the wait list for housing.

Like I said, just thinking points.

I know you want to do the best thing for him. But in his situation, that doesn't necessarily mean offering him a bed. That may, in fact, make it harder for him to access housing (because a couch-surfer is a far less urgent situation than a person in hospital being discharged to the street), and ultimately, independent housing is probably his goal?

Certainly for both me and my sister, we had to be utterly homeless before we could actually access housing. I stayed in hospital until a place came up for me, and my sister stayed in a halfway house.

If either of us had been couch-surfing at mum or dad's when we needed housing? We'd still be waiting for housing now.

Thank you SO MUCH! @Sideways, for those reality-check pointers.
I, straight away, recognised the validity of everything you stated and acted on it.

I rang the place he's in, and let them know some important background info and why coming back here, is not really a good option.
My reasons are many and valid.
Space is a real issue here. We already have 3 people living in a 2 bedroom, small unit.
It's too close to his dad's, who is a dangerous influence and vested in getting him back, under his sway and back on the crazy-making drugs and psycho crapola.

It's, well, you know the town I live in, and it's (well deserved) reputation.

He's a grown arse men and shouldn't really be living with either of his parents.

I'm not really resourced, or even up to the level of care he really needs.

AND
All the reasons you stated.

The man I spoke to was lovely. He got it. He is making the necessary notes in sono's file.

They hadn't been discussing anything to do with post admission accommodation, as sono hadn't raised it as an issue.

He raised the Coffs MH rehab as a option.
I mentioned the Buttery.

Something good will come of it, I'm sure.

Thanks, once again @Sideways. You articulated it beautifully. So grateful :-).

 

[Sideways]

They hadn't been discussing anything to do with post admission accommodation, as sono hadn't raised it as an issue.

Yeah, my experience with housing issues is that you need to make a bit of noise about it.

It's not about abandoning him. He probably doesn't understand this as a 27 year old who's had to negotiate the public housing system before. But where he is right now? He has a faaaaaar better opportunity to access independent, affordable and reasonably secure housing than he does once he's discharged and back independent in the community.

So this is an opportunity for him. All he has to do is be consistent with the line: I have nowhere to go when I'm discharged. That's it.

They'll move heaven and earth to try and avoid discharging a person to the street.

 

[mumstheword]

Grief over lost babies again, and grown up babies who, one after another, keep having health crisis. That I lost years and years, of not being there for them, Now? There's so much to catch up on... It's exhausting and it stirs me up, but...I'm so happy to have them back.
I want to be a "normal" person.
Today, I'm thinking about nursing, in particular psych nursing training. I would be good at it. It's "normal" the kind of "normal" I'm kinda craving and, pretty much, guaranteed work, I reckon, and I want "normal" so bad.
I want a job, that uses my talents and skills but is not too "elite". I still want to offer art therapy and peer work and yoga but I really need a straightforward career. My mum was a nurse and did some psych nursing. She, obvs hated it, but I love caring for people and giving them kindness, especially when they are, particularly, in need.
One of the best things about the last few years of having miscarriages and being a mental health inpatient and supporting my children through their health crisis' in hospitals? Meeting lovely, kind and warm nurses and other hospital staff. They are not like people that I have always been subject to - extreme lefties and "hippys" and other druggy peeps and lots of overly egoic types (I was a "musician" for years) and in "greeny" circles.

Nurses seem to be (mainly) just warm, kind, caring, team player peeps. I like that. Maybe I wanna be that. Even if they aren't all like that.I would like to be that.

 

[mumstheword]

We've never really grieved our lost babies, together, me and my guy.
We've taken turns, grieving, but, both of us have been dealing with estrangement grief, from our respective offspring, and real and valid worry and concern for their welfare, so, our grieving of could-have-been-but-it-didn't-work-out offspring, has really been on the back burner.

 

[mumstheword]

Seriously buoyed by this idea of studying nursing.
It seems to be my most viable future-career plan, yet.
My guy and 14 year old both think nursing would suit me, and in particular psych nursing.
Admittedly, my main drive is wanting to get out in the country, properly.
But this seems a viable study plan, not like the fun stuff I wanted to do but, that isn't really the kind of study that guarantees returns or actual jobs.

 

[mumstheword]

My depression is lifting.:-) I have a solid plan. I want my "in" Into respectable society. In a way that I don't have to sacrifice my integrity, my "truth", my personal empowerment, and in a way that allows me access to what citizens enjoy. A peaceful home. A productive life. A meaningful occupation. Respect and acceptance as a member of society.
I am truly healing.
I am coming into my own.
I have a plan and it is phoenix rising stuff.
I am still needing healing and daily yoga and some help and I still need time to be well enough, but, I have something to strive towards. :-)

 

[mumstheword]

I already started my nursing degree Application. Not finished though. Pretty sure I won't have any trouble getting in though.
It will be with my local uni. The one I was doing an Arts degree in, not that long ago.

I think I'm timing it well. If things go according to plan (and let's face it, they rarely do, but still) I'll be finishing up as my live-in parenting job does.

My youngest is 14, in yr 9, and is adamant that he's leaving the country as soon as he's able, so, that involves studying tertiary, in another country, maybe Japan or the USA. He is already working and saving for it.

So that gives me around 4 years of needing to be around for a kid, and then needing money, just in case, said kid gets stuck, in another country and needs money.

Should be around enough time to get an actual degree, this time.

Although, like I said, plans, not the most certain things.

I need to stop wallowing though. And this will probably do it.

It's also the one study and/or career plan that my guy actually approves of.As in, thinks its viable and worth investing in the study, for.

I still feel passionate about the yoga and arts therapy, but getting my foot in the door, in mental health and getting an actual paid job, makes that stuff possible.

Down the track. I could, and plan to, bring in, and incorporate the yoga and arts therapy stuff into working in the field, and the peer work too.

This is my post parenting career path. AND my mental health recovery plan. Not without it's challenges, but, what is?

So, I'm not rushing into it. Gonna apply for the mid year intake. Stabilise more. Get my yoga regime more regular and stuck in stone, Sort my domestic scene out, better.

Get my head in the clinical sciences game. I've come from an Arts background, so science based education will be a steep learning curve. I've had a LOT of experience in.the care giver role though, and dealing with complex and acute mental health issues, in myself and other's close to me. Worked in the field as a volunteer mental health peer worker, too.

I like the hands on approach.:) And I'm good in a crisis. Level headed, compassionate, responsive. Mostly, anyway, but no one's perfect.

I just need to manage my sensitivity, my health and learn a shit tonne of new stuff.
Should be doable. Not easy, but, doable.

 

[mumstheword]

It's quite hot here again, after being lovely and coolish for a break from the heat for a few days.. It's the sub tropics here and we are in the peak of the hot season.
I feel like I've really turned a corner. I feel excited and like I have something tangible to pull myself out of this shlumpy glump.

I'm coming to terms with not being able to have any more babies.

That children with a loving man, my loving man, are not my destiny.

I have the loving man, and I have children, but, I had the children with a predatory man who was very cruel, used me horribly and nearly destroyed me, but, I was in very bad shape when he got me, so, really, maybe he saved me too?

Getting me pregnant, just days after I turned 17, might have stopped me getting myself killed. He used me horribly, but I enjoyed having babies, even though it was in, very, difficult conditions. I got saved by being a performer too, a musical artist.

So, I had a hard life, but, I'm glad my children are here, and I am a good musical artist, and I'm grateful for those things. I'm glad I survived, but, I need a good life, I need means to have a good life and not just a miserable, struggle, life.

So, I'm getting well enough to get back to working on getting out of poverty. Working on that gives me hope. I need hope. I lost my hope for babies or a baby, with my loving man, after 4 lost pregnancies, with him, but, I'm building hope for a good life by planning on getting qualified to be a nurse and, more specifically, a mental health nurse.

I am a little tippsy on ouzo. I had some with lime and ice. I also, missed yoga today, so, so hot!!!!!!

My youngest starts his school year romorrow.
He is doing well. Happy, secure; maturing nicely.
I don't do much, but, I must be doing ok, coz my kid cooked himself pancakes today and crepes, yesterday. He also meditates and had a profound experience meditating last night, and told me about it. He is a good kid.
I'm looking forward to doing more, again. I'm used to doing a lot of stuff and, having been so unwell, I haven't been able to, for a few years now. Time to move forward, so I can, eventually, move out into the beautiful bush, and, also, go to beautiful places and that will be healing, too.

For me to heal, I need to be able to get out of this depressing, poverty and drug addled place, that I live in. It's a ghetto, it's a bit bushy and has beautiful nature around it, but it's still a houso ghetto and I'm not happy living here.

The only good thing, is that most of my children are close by, and I am here for them, when, and if, they need me, and my kid who is still at home, has a good school and a job, also close by, other than that, there is nothing for me here.

My life is sad, and too limited. I plan to work hard, to get out of here though. I am getting on top my symptoms. I have hope.