Therapist Terminated With Me

[expectingbetter]

Congratulations on being able to change the feeling from very painful one to one which is easier to bear.
I am so glad you have managed to see the side that your therapist didn't do it on purpose to hurt you.
I bet he would never doing something like this deliberately.
You are so stronger than you think and the work you and him have had during these 6 years certainly has made you the person you are now.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Yes, expecting better, I can see that a bit myself, that I am stronger than I was and I can weather this. I can - and it will be okay. I would not have thought that 24 hrs ago. I hope I still think this tomorrow. It seems a bit too 'easy' to be true. I haven't hit grief yet for losing him as a therapist so that is probably lurking around the corner. I admit I suspect I am all mixed up so that this is going to be a bit unpredictable.

 

[expectingbetter]

Just give yourself a time. And be kind towards yourself. This is not easy and it can't be easy overcome.
But you are doing the best you can.
And we are here for you.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I am hoping I actually get some sleep tonight.

I am still puzzled. My T would always text me stuff, like if he was going to be a few minutes late, or if I was a little late, he would text me to see if I was having trouble getting out of the car. Even during this last three weeks, he always tried to text me when he could and his last text thanked me for the condelence card that I sent to his home and said See you soon.

He didn't use intermediaries to get his information to me. So why hasn't he texted me to tell me what is going on now? What has changed?

THAT has really got me puzzled. THAT is what makes me fear that my last text to him angered him and made him think 'f*ck you'.

Grief can do funny things to people and the man that was usually so stable and solid for me, might have flipped and lost it.

Well, I am not going to know any time soon. I have to try to just look out for myself now. Do what I can to help me through this. Leave him and whatever mess he is in, or anger at me that he might be in, or whatever. that can't be my problem now.

I did find myself thinking 'So this means I shall never sit in our therapy room again? I shall never have him sit there listening to me ever again? Is this what this means?'
Well, it is, isn't it. It does mean this.
I can't yet get my head around this. It doesn't seem real. It seems like a dream scenario that is being played out and I shall wake from it.
So I try to MAKE myself know it to be the truth. And I just feel numb. I just seem to get stuck.

 

[joeylittle]

I did find myself thinking 'So this means I shall never sit in our therapy room again? I shall never have him sit there listening to me ever again? Is this what this means?'
Well, it is, isn't it. It does mean this.

Adjusting to information - especially when it's sudden change - takes time. You'll need to simply tell yourself this periodically. It will begin to seem more real; this is one of those things where it just takes some time for your mind to soak it in, I think.

So why hasn't he texted me to tell me what is going on now? What has changed?

He is no longer your therapist - that's what's changed. He's officially not your clinician anymore. And I believe that it is not going to help you at all to ruminate on this.

The answer is, he's not your therapist anymore.

You had an unconventionally close relationship with him - and that is causing you some confusion right now. You're reacting as if you're experiencing a sudden disconnection from an intimate friend. He wasn't that. I'm sorry that he allowed you to invest in that idea as much as he did, because what is happening right now is the reason to be careful of it.

THAT is what makes me fear that my last text to him angered him and made him think 'f*ck you'.

I doubt that. And if that would for some reason be what he's thinking? He absolutely should not see or contact you again - because that's an incredibly inappropriate/wrong/unacceptable way for a therapist to react to a client, ever.

I encourage you, as much as you can, to stop thinking about his inner life, and focus only on yours. How he might be feeling about you or thinking about you, specifically, is no longer part of your life.

When your mind starts wondering what he's doing, thinking, how this happened - just go back to the fact that it happened, it's hard, but you are adjusting to it. If you want, it could be good for you to name your feelings - as in 'I feel sad' or 'I feel angry' - and then, 'but I'm adjusting to it'. And stop there. Move on to a distraction, something that will pull as much of your attention as possible.

Hypothesizing about him any more at this point is only going to make this transition take longer, and won't help you in the long run.

I'm sorry it's hard. But he's no longer your therapist, and it's doubtful you'll hear from him again. I wish that the NHS would give you someone short-term, just to create some sort of closure-process for you. Is that an option?

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I have an assessment scheduled for Oct 6th fifty miles away. That is all they have given me. I have found myself a counsellor in my next town, I shall see her for the second time tomorrow. She is private.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Kaluki :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I feel such a jumble of emotions. I am especially puzzled/hurt by knowing that my EX T knew how much what he has done, would hurt me. How damaging it would be for me. And yet he has done it anyway.
I can't seem to get my mind around that.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it comes back to what @joeylittle said, reminding yourself that this isn't about you - he has had a catastrophe in his own life with the death of his dad and is dealing with that. I very much doubt he was thinking about what would happen with you - because when we're in the midst of our own stuff we don't think about work and as hard as it is for you to hear, you were part of his working life. I'm not saying that to be hurtful to you but because keeping any illusion that you were more than a client in his life isn't going to help you work through this.

I'm also not saying he didn't care about you or that what you feel isn't real - it's painfully real. The thing is when your session with him was done, he closed up the office and went back to his own life, with his family and friends and all the demands there. And that's where he is now, dealing with whatever is happening there which needs his full attention. So yes, even knowing that it would be hurtful to end so suddenly with you, he still needed to attend to his personal life because sometimes home is more important than what's happening at work. That isn't about you, its about life, and about therapists having a life outside of work that occasionally needs their immediate attention.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Kaluki ,it's a very very very difficult thing that has happened. I don't believe he's done it to purposely hurt you. But I think everything you're feeling right now is totally valid, I hate to say that, this is a process that you have to go through, all of these thoughts and feelings you have. But I also know that in time you will gradually feel better, especially once you can process what's happened. It honestly does get better. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I am trying to process. I really am. I still fear that he quit because of me, because I was too much. But even if I was and his dad dying was the last straw, doesn't mean disaster. It just means that this phase of healing has stopped and I move on to the next phase (She says through gritted teeth.)
I donated some money to the charity of their choice on his dad's funeral page. He will be a bit surprised that I found that page. but I wanted to do that as I feel grateful to his dad for bringing him into the world. this is slightly reminding me of a film called 'What about Bob'

 

[Hope1969]

My heart goes for you. your reaction is so natural. I would feel the same.
Honestly I don't think that I would have the strangth to understand him. It is very logical thing to understand that something happened to him and right now you are emotional.
what works for me is to acknowledge my feelings and let them be. If I do that and don't struggle the feelings I start to become ballanced.

I am sending you a hug if you would accept. Hope that things will get better soon. You deserve it.