Therapists Who Won't Talk About What's Bothering You

[falling_wave]

My T has told me we need to make sure everything in the here and now is stable before we bring up trauma because it will be too much if we do both and could cause harm. She will acknowledge it and be supportive but go back into current stuff. After current stuff is good if I bring up trauma we will process it. Sometimes she asks me to write memories that come up and we talk about them in therapy. That makes it more the focus. You can always be assertive and say I need to talk with you about this before anything else because it feels important. It's likely that they won't say no.

 

[rightkindofme]

I wasn't willing to pay a lot of money to figure out what her issue was. That's the thing about therapy, it's expensive. I can't pay to find out why other people are shutting me down.

 

[Dana1010]

Especially when it comes to recurring memories that loop over and over, I wonder if some of them get bored of it, and that's why they steer you away. Very unprofessional if you ask me. It's like going into the emergency room with a broken foot and having the doctor go, "Well, your foot is boring to me, so I'm going to put a cast on your hand instead."

 

[Chava]

I'm divided between two theories about why she did this. One is that she can't handle hearing about dark and gritty stuff, hence the happy talk she would regularly blow back at me whenever I'd say something cynical or pessimistic (very annoying). The other is that she wanted to drag out clients' therapy for years to keep her roster full. She was big on "the relationship," "management," and was fond of saying how loooong it was going to take for me to trust her. I actually asked her if there was a reason she was steering, and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. If there was a therapeutic reason for it, she would have told me, right? That makes me think the whole thing was shady and profit driven.

It simply sounds like you did not trust her. And maybe she knew that. It's not all that difficult to talk objectively, machine-like, about my trauma stuff to a point. But the relationship is important (my opinion). It probably depends on the nature of the trauma(s). If you have any shred of good feeling for a therapist or form of therapy, just go along with it for a while and see what happens. I think it's normal to have a lot of questions and feel skeptical. If you feel like your questions aren't answered in a way that helps clarify, ask again.

Was this SE you did in the fall (I am thinking so but might not be remembering right). The regulation and noticing our body stuff is really important. And then, oddly, adding any speaking to that becomes a really different experience. But my therapist generally follows what I need. You might want to find a therapist who is less interested in his/her own specific structure for how therapy should go (we'll follow this and this workbook and be done in so many months) but find one who is more "process" oriented. And if talking is important, sticking to talk therapy (many choices).

 

[Dana1010]

Was this SE you did in the fall (I am thinking so but might not be remembering right).

You are remembering right (thanks), and that's another complicating factor. I signed up for SE, but she just wasn't doing it except for some very meager grounding exercises. I mentioned that towards the end, and she admitted that it was valid. We were doing old hat Gestalt, and I always wondered why since I explicitly asked for SE. I'm just going for talk therapy now, because the only other SE therapist near me is someone I did a consult with and just didn't like.

I suppose the relationship is important, but it's a long term concern. In the interim, results matter. I understand not dredging up buried memories for the heck of it. But if someone has a loop playing in their head, driving them mad, and you tell them they can't process that right now, you're nuts. I can't think of a more clear sign that it's ready to be processed.

 

[Chava]

If you feel better talking about it (vs less safe, etc) make sure to let new therapist know. I just know I'm really capable of talking from an objective, aloof, detached place. It's very different now...harder to talk but that's because I'm actually feeling everything I say, if that makes sense.

But yes, every therapist sort of has their own blend of method and personality. Hope you find someone you feel good about working with.

 

[Whirlwind]

Has anyone else had therapists who won't let you talk about what's bothering you? What do you think their motive is?

I went through something along these lines.

Long story short, I finally decided to stop seeing my T (very very difficult for me) he finally acknowledged my circumstances were re traumatizing me and as a result real "therapy" for my early abuse could not be done until my situation stabilized.

Ok, fair enough but I had asked him this many times as I felt my current situation was reviving my past almost as a warning. I saw him for several years and it was out of pocket and cost me a lot of money.

I was/am extremely frustrated hearing the "truth" only because I was leaving. This conversation should have been our focus for a long time. I did learn a lot but feel we also wasted a lot of time, my sense he was being evasive was accurate.

If something doesn't feel right, get some objective advice but listen to your instinct. As for motive...I resist he was doing it for $ as the thought makes me really uneasy but I can't rule it out. I do think he assumed some of my life issues were due to my PTSD and frankly, he didn't believe me. He got some "proof" in our last year and I think he was surprised, and it changed his view of my situation.

Good luck, Whirlwind

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I had a therapist once that just absolutely refused to talk about any of the hard stuff. Later, a different therapist explained to me that she was probably just afraid - in order to truly be effective as a therapist, you have to be willing to feel exactly what your client is feeling. I believe that she was afraid of what I might have revealed. Needless to say, the two years I spent in her care did nothing but mess with my mind, since I let her convince me that "no one had ever hurt me", which she actually told me verbatim numerous times.

I'm still so incredibly angry with her that she wouldn't listen to my truth, and that was almost fifteen years ago.

 

[Dana1010]

Ok, fair enough but I had asked him this many times as I felt my current situation was reviving my past almost as a warning. I saw him for several years and it was out of pocket and cost me a lot of money.

I was/am extremely frustrated hearing the "truth" only because I was leaving. This conversation should have been our focus for a long time. I did learn a lot but feel we also wasted a lot of time, my sense he was being evasive was accurate.

Okay, this sort of thing is where I call monkey business. It seems like he was waiting for you to leave to deliver that line to explain away his stalling. It's like this therapist I had stating very, very early on that this loop in my head had nothing to do with the person or incident, but must really be about something from my childhood. So we're going to sift through 18-20 years of my life history looking for what really is causing this obsession like looking for a needle in a haystack. More time, more sessions, and incidentally more money in her pocket. It's all just a little too convenient if you ask me. It's disturbing to think that some of these people view us as nothing more than cash cows, but hey, vacation houses don't pay for themselves.

Needless to say, the two years I spent in her care did nothing but mess with my mind, since I let her convince me that "no one had ever hurt me", which she actually told me verbatim numerous times.

OMFG. I'm sorry you stayed with her so long. I hope you found a real professional after being subjected to malpractice by that hack.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

OMFG. I'm sorry you stayed with her so long. I hope you found a real professional after being subjected to malpractice by that hack.

Unfortunately, not really. This why I've been out of therapy for so long. I'm trying not to be reticent about returning, but it's hard to trust after that experience. I mean, why in the world would I want to make this up?

I guess my point is to get out of a bad therapy relationship before you're that far in. I knew it was destructive when I was in it, but it was like a bad relationship that I just couldn't shake and I just couldn't escape from, because she had gaslit me into thinking that I was in the wrong.

Sorry, I'll stop ranting now. That was so many years ago. I'm trying not to think on it anymore.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Dana1010 Nope, but i highly suspect that all therapists in this area that got their degree at the local university are like that.

@falling_wave The problem is when the trauma is causing the current stuff. Can't resolve the current stuff if it caused by the trauma.

 

[Whirlwind]

I'm still so incredibly angry with her that she wouldn't listen

Yeah, after I quit, I occasionally went back and reread my session notes because I almost hoped I misunderstood something but I didn't.

It seems like he was waiting for you to leave to deliver that line to explain away his stalling.

Maybe. It was a bad, mostly sad way for us to end. Many times I asked him if we/he had a plan as I was wondering where we were "going" and he firmly assured me yes we were "on track" only to find out we never started in a way yet he was ok flushing up some really dark old stuff which sent me reeling. As you all know, digging in this stuff with no safety line is .... well in my case dangerous, I nearly went over the ledge a few times :(

I guess my point is to get out of a bad therapy relationship before you're that far in. I knew it was destructive when I was in it, but it was like a bad relationship that I just couldn't shake and I just couldn't escape from

No kidding, spot on. Again, not all of my stuff was a waste of time and I am glad for that part but hard to explain, I cleared away some fog only to feel as time went on the fog was thickening again due to my therapy. His view of my situation was assisting in my paralysis and I need/ed to take action.

Pardon my ramble but had I trusted my gut and got out of that therapy in say year 2, it would have been the perfect time, most bang for my buck. If you are feeling stalled etc. trust your instinct. Therapy time is too important to waste. I'm not in therapy now, found a short term support class last fall which helped confirm my therapy had long stalled. But in any event, I would like therapy now but I'm making progress with my action plan - real life stuff that needs to happen.

Best, Whirlwind