There Is An Alternative But I'm Not Seeing It

[Sandstone]

But if I create any boundaries, or get the bed, or any of it, I have to explain. That is both impossible and dangerous. Explanations will give her even more power, because she will tell me I am wrong and of course I will believe her, because I think it is true anyway.

The actual solution is for me to get well enough to be able to deal with all this. He has changed, she will not change. That just leaves me who needs to change

 

[The Albatross]

Stenni if you're so intent to back yourself into a corner, the only way you're leaving yourself is straight through it... which you're expressing your feeling ill equipped for as well. You could lock yourself in a room for the duration of the stay but that seems more extreme than what others have suggested here. But... if you feel you have no options or choices... all you can do is the best you can do each moment and Godspeed. I understand how difficult this is gal safety first both mental and physical.

I do relate to "she will not change... that just leaves me who needs to change". That is what I'm dealing with about my own mother right now.

 

[scout86]

she will not change. That just leaves me who needs to change

It seems like there is at least one more option here. That is something along the lines of "Mother, I know you aren't going to change. That's up to you. You are also not going to run my life."

I had "that kind of mother" too. The thing that ever happened to me was to graduate from high school, go to college and find that there were MANY people in the world who didn't feel I was "wrong". It was such a cool thing, I did my very best never to have to deal with my mother ever again.

One of the big things I've learned in therapy is that in some kinds of situations, especially when I had to deal directly with my mother, some switch in my brain switched and I was reacting and thinking like I was a child who was dependent on someone who wasn't safe. That's not true!!!! The truth was, I'm an adult. My mom was a little old lady who couldn't physically hurt me if she wanted to. She could only hurt me emotionally if I let her. The thing to do was "not let her do that". It helped that she occasionally sent me crazy emails. I shared them with my T and asked "What do I do about THIS?" He coached me through dealing with her and, a couple of times, flat out told me what to say to get her to back off. It worked.

Maybe we're missing something important here, but it seems to me like you have more choices than you're considering.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, it is true, you are the only one you can change. I get that it is useless to 'talk' about it. Talk is so cheap. I talked and talked until I turned blue, passed out all over the place, lost my career, lost my home, lost any sense of me.

'Please hear me, please, please just hear me', never worked. You aren't being heard and you never will be heard. That road is a dead end.

If your husband listens to you, then it is up to you to have the conversation with your husband. Let him know what is going on. You need backup at this time.

So it is in actions that things will change for you. Your actions. If your husband drives to work, then go with him in the morning. Leave for the day. Don't come back unless you have his support. Don't speak to the douche bag. Screw it if his feelings are hurt. If therapy did anything for him, he will get it.

If your mother calls you on it, I love your line that you used above. 'Mom, until he sleeps in your bed without your consent and does to you what he did to me, you have no right judging my actions.'

 

[illusionist]

I totally understand why you are feeling this way....it's easy for all of us to say do this, do that. When you are actually in the situation it's not so simple. Obviously you are terrified to do what has been suggested....I get that.

I send you strength to get through this in the way you wish to deal with it, or rather, deal with it in the only way you see possible.

I agree....working on yourself so that in the future you will have a clear view of what you need to do in order to take the power away from your mother...and have the inner strength and confidence to carry it out....that takes time and hard work...you will get there.

You know we are all here for you.

Keep safe.

 

[scout86]

You know we are all here for you.

Keep safe.

Yes, both of those!!!!!

 

[ms spock]

I think maybe I need to go a hotel. But if I do I'm going to make my husband worried.

Go to the hotel - talk to you husband over the time that your abuser is in your house. He may be a little worried but that is much better than a massive meltdown.

 

[kona355]

Uh....just my personal experience. Thought I had forgiven my father, tried to rebuild a relationship, sai...

You're right on every point.

 

[ms spock]

But if I create any boundaries, or get the bed, or any of it, I have to explain. That is both impossible and dangerous. Explanations will give her even more power, because she will tell me I am wrong and of course I will believe her, because I think it is true anyway.

Gosh that is so hard. You are amazing to be standing up.

The actual solution is for me to get well enough to be able to deal with all this. He has changed, she will not change. That just leaves me who needs to change

That just sounds too hard for me. I feel for you that you are in such a tough position.

I think you are amazing for thinking along those lines. I don't think I could do it - but if I was in your position I would probably do what you are doing. I can see it for other people, but not for myself. Nothing helpful to say just thinking of you today.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay Stenni, problem number one... this is a straight up stressor for you and you aren't checking in. It's opinion. not support if you don't use it? Hope things are going better than anticipated/expected... but you do need to check in. How are you going?

 

[Sandstone]

you aren't checking in.

Do you mean not replying here? What would be the point? It's over, I hid. Told T, who said "I can't advise you to take an excessive dose, but I understand why that is the only solution", and wittered on about narcissistic parenting.

I can't imagine why I was making such a fuss about it. And of course it now has repercussions. The only thing that is going to stop this is if I go along with what they want. Everyone else will be happy. I know that is just compliance, but it is how my family works.

 

[digger]

What would be the point?

The point in continuing to talk about it here might be to help you find alternative ways of approaching similar situations in the future that don't leave you feeling quite so helpless. There are a lot of people here who have difficult people to deal with in their lives like your mother. The pooling of ideas might come up with suggestions that, even if they don't completely resolve the situation, might make it slightly easier for you in the future.