General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[scorpio2012]

Thanks Kabeh - this is such a foreign experience for me, and I feel terrible about how this happened between us. I thought the new year would bring about new direction and in some ways it has - but this wound is different and I'm just now beginning to understand that it will take me some time to get over this. What I am dealing with right now at this very moment while typing is just a big ball of unresolved anger and frustration. I know I tried, but it makes me even angrier that he didn't, especially after I told him that I had a greater understanding.

Alas, I know it's probably not in his capacity at the moment (as this was pointed out to me by others on this forum - thanks Dallas!), and I know he was not in active treatment. I've left him alone now since beginning of December and there has been zero communication between us, I'm not sure if there ever will be. From what I'm reading and learning, he hasn't "bottomed out" yet. It's sad to see this. I don't want to lash out at him in anger. Weird, I thought I was past this phase.

My biggest challenge in moving forward is dealing with the fact that I never had a fair chance to explain my side or actions, and most of all, I just miss him and his presence. Hidden under the turmoil was the most beautiful soul, and we cared for each other. I'm at a loss for words to describe the pain sometimes. I know time heals all wounds, but this one just hurts deeply. It's especially difficult because there was no closure, at least on my end.

I'm still confused about whether or not to reach out at some point - even if just a simple gesture to let him know I'm there for him. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing? I will not rekindle a romance with him, but my heart goes out to him now knowing what he must have been dealing with. But somehow at the end I still feel so hurt and angry. I just wish somehow he could see what it is that he put me through, and how it affected me.

I feel for everyone affected by PTSD, whether a carer, sufferer, friend, relative, spouse, partner, whatever.... it's just such a sad scenario for many. I never knew how it could affect lives like this. I am trying my best to just move on, but it's been difficult. Coming to this forum helps though. There is comfort in knowing that others have gone through the same and can share experiences. I know it will get better, it just takes time :-) I hope you're year is off to a good and healthy start! :happy:

 

[kabeh394]

I know exactly how you feel. I mean that, I am in the exact same place. Friends and family are telling me "just move on" and to "forgive and let go". I'm like "um NO", I'm not ready to forgive and move on, I will do that when I am ready, when I am healed, and when I deem necessary, and if you want to judge me for "holding on", than so be it. It takes time, this is the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I am allowing myself to take all the time I need to come out on the other side. You will get there, it does get easier, but for me, it has been very gradual. Good luck!

 

[scorpio2012]

Challenging process for sure, I try and keep the focus on other things, but I'm still finding it difficult to concentrate when doing silent activities like reading and writing. My mind will wander at times to memories and thoughts of him. By far it has been a tremendous opportunity for personal growth too though, you learn about yourself, the need for direct and frank communication, how to speak up and stand up for yourself... these are things essential in any relationship, but so essential in situations when dealing with individuals with PTSD/depression. What you say and how you say it needs to be precise, each word thought out - or you completely end up sending the wrong message although it's not intentional. I did not have the knowledge then that I have now, so I had no clue with what I was dealing with, or how to set up boundaries. So you live and learn and life goes on :-) Easier said than done, but it's true!

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is such a helpful post! I have noticed a lot of these behaviors with my vet, and I have not necessarily attributed it to the combat PTSD. It amazes me all the symptoms quirks that come out with the 'Demon' (a term we use too).

 

[ccbloom]

I've only read the first page of this thread, thus far, but I knew I needed to comment after just a few posts.

As someone who constantly has up & down battles with PTSD, I have learnt more about myself from this thread alone, then I have from anywhere else. It's nice to have that outside perspective on it all, especially when I know I can get caught up in 'me-me-me' attitude.

Thank you, all, very much!

 

[Kasandra Claire]

• It can be common for a boyfriend, husband, partner to shut you out when their PTSD is out of control or when they are overloaded.

Personally, I'm experiencing my spouse not understand my PTSD because it overloads him.

 

[Optimistic]

Wow...I know this thread was started like 5 years ago, but it is one that will always be relevant, especially to newcomers to PTSD and this forum which is an ongoing thing, so although I'm the first person to comment in about a year, I don't think bumping it up will do any harm!

I started reading through this yesterday and as I did, I sent the link to my partner for her to read as well - it has helped me immensely and, although it was hard for her to read, I think in the long run, it will do her a lot of good. A lot of stuff sunk in for her and, having only recently been diagnosed and not done very much research on the condition, I think it made a lot of stuff "real" for her, if that makes sense.

Thank you so much for this thread and all the great info and insights within it :)

 

[Capricorn]

Thank you so much for all of this information. It has helped me a lot in navigating these new scary waters.

 

[Tigerlily90]

I definitely needed this. Thank you so much.

 

[jmme21]

My boyfriend doesn't mind me telling him I love him or miss him (we are in a long distance relationship now) or I am happy he is in my life or I think he is an amazing person. I have asked him it bothers him because like many others have said he doesn't often response to them. When he has his goods days he will tell me he loves me too even if it seems like he doesn't and he happy for me in his life. I think it depends on the person. For him I am one the only positive relationships he has had in his life so I thinking helps him to hear someone wants to be there for and with him.

 

[Zef]

It really helps when he doesn't try to change so much of himself to accommodate my PTSD. For me personally, the consistency of him being himself helps me stay in reality more and helps me to fight through the healing process so I don't take it out on him as much

As a sufferer, I just want to say that this is a huge thing. We can tell when you are walking on eggshells. We know when you are trying to do things to accommodate us. It's not a good feeling to know that you are making your loved ones lives more difficult.

I think I can speak for a lot of us sufferers who have spouses supporting us. . .We didn't fall in love with you because you help us, we fell in love with you because of who you are. Sometimes, my only joy in life is seeing my wife (or kids) just be who they are. . .not who they think they need to be because of my disease. Please be yourselves. Please don't sacrifice yourselves on the altar of our PTSD.

Different note, regarding texting or calling sufferers. I would suggest that supporters pick a 'good' time to have a calm discussion and agree about what is OK and what isn't. And it isn't just about what is OK for the sufferer. . .it is also about what is OK for you.

In our case, my wife was not OK with not communicating for days at a time, while I pretty much am unable to communicate during my darker times. We had to figure something out. So, what we do is, when we know we are going to be apart, we make a quick plan on when and how we will be in contact. "OK, I'll text you at 5PM'. We also set things so that she doesn't expect anything more than an 'I love you' or even a simple 'A OK' and is happily surprised if I can express more.

The cool thing we figured out once we had the rules in place was. . .I am able to communicate much easier and with fewer symptoms and shockingly. . .will even sometimes be the first to open communication. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you @Zef . :tup: :hug: