General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[peachykehn]

I have a few I have observed in my husband:

1. When triggered, sense of time and place may alter, sufferer may be back in another time where trauma happened and may be feeling those emotions so they kind of think they are still there and not in the present;

2. After an episode, or when suffering, it may take DAYS to recover and "come back" to reality, lightened mood, emotional availability, interaction with you and/or family. When I ask my husband "are you doing OK?", his answer would be "I am just being quiet." While that is not it, that is how he is telling me he is suffering. When this mood or behavior shifts, he returns to me (might be days or hours) and is more himself and is then available.

3. When someone is suffering or has been triggered by something, it is pointless to try to ask questions or interact with them "normally". The response will not be good for them or you or the family. It may seem unfair or make you made, but your best option is just to walk away and/or retreat emotionally until they can handle it. It is not their choice, it is, at that point, not really their fault, it is an emotional episode that is driving their responses to you.

 

[Some1sAngel]

Wow .. I didn't know that either. It's all so confusing but I'm trying to find out ALL that I can.

 

[Some1sAngel]

Oh no ..

I find myself just wanting to text out of the blue with a simple, "thinking of you" or "hope you are having a great day". I did not realize this was a no-no in their world.

I wasn't aware of this either. And I've done that before. No wonder he never replies. I, too, am constantly learning each and everyday. This forum is very educating.

 

[ISupportHer]

I must admit, I also fight this compusion to text, call, whatever, to say "I love you".

Not easy.

 

[MrsClaire]

So much rings true. Thank you for all of the advice. I will try to use this advice to make our home more harmonious.

 

[Dawn]

My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD in the last year. Prior to that our relationship had fell apart last summer. I was going to divorce him. He begged me to come back after 6 months of
separation. After we got back together, he seemed changed, ex-pressed his emotions and was emotionally available for the first time. I thought, "He's getting better!"

Now he is going through the V.A. to try to get a disability claim. He is reverting back to old behaviors--emotionally shutting down etc. I am having a hard time as my mother died 6 months ago, my father had a stroke 3 months ago, and when I try to help him with his V.A. stuff, he seems ungrateful and rude. I'm wondering if he will ever emotionally return to what he was when we got back together. This is very hard.

 

[malibran]

Dear Nicolette,
Thank you for this thread. I am new to the site but already see a big improvement in my understanding of what my BF is going through. I have seen one interesting thinking pattern in him and it is
1. He can not make plans and sees his life without a future.
2. Asking him to look at that thinking and see if actually it is reasonable seems to baffle him but he tries.
3. He can not trust that anyone will stick around if he shows them his DEMON side as he calls it. Therefore
4. He withdraws without apparent reason (he has a reason but I have no idea what it is) to protect me from seeing this monster he lives with.
5. This also protects him from his potential pain if I were to abandon him (and he thinks I will if I saw how vile he really is....If I saw his monster) .

Well thank you very much.
Malibran

 

[Cate]

Hey all of you. Thanks for this post. I have PTSD so I'm not sure what it's like to live with me as a carer. I'm not into violence and I don't have anger management issues but I do withdraw...I can become an Island. I'm still maintaining my relationships, I think, but I wasn't aware that not wanting people to care about me was a common thread with PTSD. I felt as if I had to be strong for everyone around me so they could care about me and then I would take care of them. I started to feel obligated and it became too much. Sigh. Still hanging in there and doing what I have to do to get healthy. Just wish I didn't constantly have the need for detaching myself. It's a strange component of PTSD.

Hang in there.

Cate

 

[evergreen]

Thank you to all the carers. It is touching to see how much you love your sufferer and have worked to cope and learn and support. It gives me hope that someone will one day look at my situation with courtesy.

 

[cynelena]

I have only this to say...thank you a million times for your lists! I have just recently started dating and fallen in love with a man with PTSD and have been extremely confused. This forum has helped give me clarity!

 

[malibran]

Dear Nicolette,

This thread is very helpful. I am new here but have been just reading and thinking about all the things people write about and how they cope. It is giving me very valuable insights. For example my BF will not stay over night and it dawned on me (from reading here) he does not want me to see or experience his bad dreams. In fact he is trying to protect me from seeing the part of him he hates and fears. He loves me and is sure I will leave if I see "what he is really like". I can't help him over that idea no matter what I say. So I think I have to not push and give it time, What else can I do?

I am keeping all that list in mind and so far in the 7 months we are dating he has not been abusive at all, not in any way shape or form. He is on meds and in group twice a week and has private therapy once a week. He has lots of hypervigilance and is keyed up except near me he seems to calm way down and tells me I have a good effect on him. Yet I see him withdraw and I struggle with my feelings then so as not to burden him or put him off in anyway. He always comes back into contact but he will not introduce me to his family or friends and says he is not able to make a commitment yet and maybe not ever. Yet we are together several times a week and talk daily and email. I realized that for him, if I were to see him with his MONKEY ON HIS BACK as he puts it, his MR HYDE as he calls it, he is 100% sure I would run out. How can I assure him there is no fear of that? I know it can't be done and I can not change him or anyone but myself. So I am becoming very patient and step back at those times.

But coming here is so wonderful. I have no place else to find this support. He was married for 28 years has 2 sons he loves a lot. Do you have any suggestions?

Many thanks
Malibran

 

[malibran]

Dear Cate,
What a help this is. Thank you for writing this. All the best to you .
Malibran