General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[suz]

V.A. Process May Require Assistance

Now he is going through the V.A. to try to get a disability claim. . . This is very hard.

Dawn, this is a great point.

I am new to this forum, but have read so many insightful statements in just a short time. I am very impressed. My comment is not in list form, I just want to share some good advice.

My husband is also a U.S. military veteran. We have been working very hard to get appropriate services from the V.A. The best advice we have received is to contact the County Veterans Services office or a local Vet Center (these are not part of the V.A.). They can help navigate your loved one through the sometimes traumatic process of applying for V.A. benefits. I would encourage any caregiver to get help so that they are not the only source of support. It's just too difficult; the process is not explained well and can, as you have discovered, add undue stress.

Please also remember (you and your loved one) that these services were earned by the sufferer. V.A. benefits are not charity; they are the real cost of having a military and engaging in conflict.

Best wishes to you.

 

[7.20.09]

Wow this helps a lot. There have been several times where my Hunny has said "I don't want to talk about it" but just wants me to be with him. I sit there in silence and just let him know I am there as support and now I know I was doing right.

 

[loyalwife]

It's great to know that I'm not the only one having a hard time with this. And also good to know that what I have been doing is ok.
My only input at this point, is to remember to look after yourself in the whole process.

 

[Carolina]

Thank you so much for maintaining this thread! I've observed many of these behaviors in my boyfriend, especially those brought up by Malibran. No tips from me yet, but I'll keep my eyes open!

 

[cyanide]

I find myself just wanting to text out of the blue with a simple, "thinking of you" or "hope you are having a great day". I did not realize this was a no-no in their world.

I wasn't aware of this either. And I've done that before. No wonder he never replies.

I'm a bit troubled by whether saying those things are actually harmful or helpful. I too am intermittently telling my love these things, and I do not get a response either, however I do think there's more good than harm. I'm going to provide two perspectives:

Unhelpful
- The person may feel pressured (more stressed) and it pushes them away.
- The person is unable to reciprocate, and it hurts both of them, causing more stress.

Helpful
- The person feels appreciation that someone cares, even in the hardest moments.
- The person doesn't feel abandoned or ignored, and recognizes that someone does love and care.

I'd love to hear perspectives from sufferers as to whether they prefer to hear words of appreciation from time to time, or if they would rather be left completely alone for long periods of time. What would ultimately help more in the long run?

 

[MELGI]

I must admit, I also fight this compulsion to text, call, whatever, to say "I love you".

Not easy.

Yes, that is the thing I am trying to come to term with ... so difficult!
Thank you to all for such useful points!

Keeping on the positive, when the sufferer "comes back" to this planet, how to behave?

This is the first time I deal with this and is the first "crisis" - I am trying to keep my sanity by learning as much as possible.

Nicolette, your pieces are extremely useful and I very much appreciate the honesty!

Melgi :doh:

 

[pegasus]

Wow, this is amazing, I have been searching for weeks trying to figure out what was going on with my girlfriend. Some things started to start to come to light for me based on converstations we had had over the last two years, I realized she was pulling away not because of me but because of some trauma in her childhood. I then realized she had a hypervigililant response one day to something that she apologized profusely for afterwards and said she couldn't control it, and that it had happened to her before. Having some background in dealing with trauma I pulled out a text and realized she meets all the criterion for PTSD.

4 weeks ago she left me and slowly she is becoming less withdrawn. I also after the first week of being in my own fog realized I had to refrain from sending her text and messages and telling her how I felt for her. However over the last two weeks as she has warmed up some, I have selectively chosen times to make sure that she knows I miss her and love her. Each time I have done it in a manner that does not require her to respond. Honestly, I'm not sure how it's being received on her end but I haven't picked up any negativity coming back from it. I have also started seeing a counselor and have my third appointment tomorrow. This has been helpful though the PTSD diagnostic didn't really pop in my mind until a few days ago after thinking about her hypervigilant response. I wish I had come across this site a year ago. Trying to figure out where to go and how to proceed from here.

 

[melody]

Allowing those with PTSD to work at what they truly love, and not expecting them to fit into society's idea of what "work" entails is most important.

After my last trauma, I was told I would never work full-time again. This was hard for me because I hardly ever missed a day of work and I'm a fighter. I thought if I went back to school and changed my work environment that I would prove them wrong. Sure most of the schooling was online, but I graduated with honours and I should be proud. Still, I'm not because I just can't get myself to get out there.
Well... except for my volunteer work at the local hospice. I went there initially because I knew that all the doors are locked and no one can get in without permission, so I felt safe. After being there almost four years, I still love it. There's no pressure because it's only a volunteer position and if I don't want to, I don't have to go in, but I always do. And I usually cover at least one shift a week that isn't mine as well. Yet, I feel worthless. I feel like I'm "sponging" off WSIB and that I should be able to get back out there and "work" for my pay.
Hearing or should I say, reading what you said, has made me stop and think that maybe there's some truth in what you say and that I'm okay in what I'm doing, so thank you.

Melody

 

[melody]

I'd love to hear perspectives from sufferers as to whether they prefer to hear words of appreciation from time to time, or if they would rather be left completely alone for long periods of time. What would ultimately help more in the long run?

This is the first time I've come over to the carers chat and I just want to say kudos to all of you that put up with us.:occasion:
I personally like the texts, or hugs or what ever it is I get; mostly it's just my partner telling me he loves me. Sure I may not acknowledge him in the way he needs it, but I do appreciate it, more than he will ever know. I honestly wish I could give him more, but I'm usually so lost in trying to cope with whatever is going on in the present moment that it takes all that I have to hold it together. Thanks for this thread.

Melody

 

[MELGI]

I agree with you, Cyanide, but I fear it is just "wishful thinking" ..

Sending a message of "I love you", "I miss you", "I am here if you need me" surely makes me feel better and more able to endure the awful "waiting game".

I think it makes a different weather the sufferer is male or female, but it would be really great to hear from some!

Anyone out there giving us an helping hand?

Thank you!

 

[pegasus]

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in the fear of it being "wishful thinking". I have the same fear. It's so hard to tell is it them dealing (or not dealing) with the PTSD, or is it the relationship? We try to give space but at what point is the space too much on our own heart?

 

[This Ends Now]

Thank You

Nicolette,

Thank you for this thread. As someone who has been on both sides of the looking glass I would like to add the following:

1. Blame is a waste of time and resources. It is not your fault, it is not our fault, it just is.
2. We are are thankful that you are trying to help us, even though we may never admit it.
3. We all want to get better, but sometimes we are not yet ready to get better. It is a painful and time consuming process.
4. We frequently will withdraw from the entire world and try to escape reality. Sometimes we do this b/c we are overwhelmed by the pain and need a reminder that good things exist.
5. Flash backs are miserable and recovery may take longer than expected. The best way I can describe it as a bad acid trip and a concussion all in one.
6. It may seem to the outside world that we are just wasting time. This is b/c we are trying to do inner work that the outside world cannot see or quantify.
7. When triggered we may do things that we have little or no control over and may not remember. Please protect yourself during these times, we do not want to hurt you.
8. Regardless of what we may say, you have a right to walk away. We may be hurt, we might make threats, but it is not your responsibility to bear this burden for us. Eventually, when we are better, we will probably understand that you did the right thing.
9. It may seem to you that we are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Please remember that perspective is everything. A mole hill is a mountain if you are an ant.
10. If the trauma happened during childhood, you may not always be dealing with a grown up. We may have adult bodies, but our minds and emotions may be that of a small child. Please understand that when that is the case, some adult activities and responsibilities are not appropriate for us until we get back to our adult selves.

Thank you all for the sacrifices you have made in trying to help us. I know it is very difficult for you, and I am grateful that you are there.

Liz H.