Thanks everyone. Okay, narrowing it down a bit....there is some changing of roles at work a bit. Some dumbing-down of the system. I'm very dependent on my roles...like I don't exist without my work. So, I started tail-spinning into the disappearing-non-existing, and even the part of me that wants to destroy myself before anybody else can, or before anyone else can take away from me. Not saying it's logical, but that kind of sums it up. I get confused and start tearing myself down. Have to instead build up a self, or parts of self, that aren't dependent upon a couple fairly narrow roles....and the idea that I do not even "exist" outside of them (so f*ck it all).
I'm fried and need to have less bullshit o my plate this week too because I am unraveling and not finding even time to restore....so I just start attacking myself for not even existing. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it goes. Not telling my therapist more than I feel like I can tolerate or she needs to know, but she understands the basic premise of the general stressors on top of some of the body stuff and also wanting to hurt myself. And reminds me I need time to decompress and rebalance. I don't have to fall apart or burst into pieces. Feels like it, but I really just need a few hours less bullshit this week. And not just giving up on myself in response to all the stress and feeling confused.
