Tiny Daily Wins

[Bandersnatch]

I ate something, even though there was no one else to feed, to “justify” the effort of making food.

 

[Ecdysis]

How are you coping today @SeekingAfrica ?

I had a rough day yesterday... actually achieved quite a lot (for a depression day) but couldn't feel any satisfaction about what I'd achieved... Another very sucky aspect of depression, when you can't feel any joy about tasks well done...

I'm doing a bit better today... And my "to do" list for today is also very manageable for a change...

Thinking of you and hope you're doing okayish and/ or are being kind to yourself, if you're not

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm doing a bit better today... And my "to do" list for today is also very manageable for a change...

I'm really happy today is better. Honestly if it wasn't for actual todo lists I wouldn't have done anything this week, so I'm greatful for those.

How are you coping today @SeekingAfrica ?

Yesterday was great for me actually. I dared to get out of sweats for a first time in a week and go to ballet class. Even though I had to tell them the situation so I can pay in couple of weeks or something (been with them for years so not an issue). It's like my only luxary/cheapest therapy I never let go of. Even though I hadn't been to class in 2 weeks, or out of bed enough to workout in that time. But I put on make up and my game face on, washed my hair, even put makeup and I showed up. There were even bus issues and I was late and didn't let that stop me. And I socialized, and did better in class than expected (just somewhat winded but with no workouts and so much depression naps not surprising) but my technique didn't fail me at least. I felt human again.

But today is much harder.

Thinking of you and hope you're doing okayish and/ or are being kind to yourself, if you're not

Thank you. I'm trying. I'm not sure what but I'm trying. Today is a bad day, I haven't actually started on anything, I'm tired even at the idea of doing things. I know that I have ballet class again, and that cheap gig only has work in evening/night, so that will be my evening again and it's so hard starting anything else. Like I'm maxed out from trying to keep it together this week.
Trip is coming closer, my dental issues are bothersome for travelling and I need to make income plan but I feel frozen.

THIS is the biggest thing I think. Having to figure out how to manifest income in the middle of the health issues, depression, travel and just all that chaos without losing my cool. Yesterday I worked until 1AM for a few bucks. But the big things that will make a real difference petrify me. I LOST the few hours I had since waking up because I can't snap out of this. If I can make a plan that is realistic I would but I think to survive it has to be ambitious which is obviously hard right now so I'm struggling.

 

[Ecdysis]

Can I ask what country you live in? Are there no unemployment benefits, disability payments, rent relief payments or anything similar that you could apply for?

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm struggling this evening too... Got quite a bit of stuff done today... but not as much as I wanted to... Tho, I do think that my daily to-do lists are unrealistic... I write to-do lists that are for a non-depressed person... I don't know why my brain can't write more appropriate to-do lists, but yah...

I've hit a wall this evening... I have 3 tasks that I need to do/ should do before I go to sleep... And my motivation is so minimal I basically don't even know how to spell that word...

Hope y'all are riding a motivation wave atm or getting some rest, if you aren't.

Hugs, if you want. Depression is the absolute worst.

 

[Ecdysis]

One really strange thing about depression, that I've talked to people here before about is this:

Any given task - say doing the dishes or vacuuming my bedroom - if I ask my depression brain how long each of these tasks "feels" like, I'd say an hour an a half for each task.... Which is ridiculous, I know, but that's what it feels like... Like I have to find an hour and a half's worth of motivation and energy for each task.

So then, if I think about it a bit harder and try to be more realistic, I'd then estimate about 20 minutes for each task.

But......... if I set a timer when I actually *do* these tasks... then the results are literally ridiculous.... Like, these tasks actually take like 4 and a half minutes, or 6 and a half minutes...

The difference between reality (4 and a half minutes) and my depressed brain's estimation (an hour and a half) is just nuts.

I've found it really helps setting a timer while I do a task, to get my brain back into reality...

Also, it can help me to then say "I'll just do this task for 5 minutes and see how far I get" and often, the task is then basically done.

I often forget this, but when I can remember it, it's helpful.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'll answer properly tomorrow but sending hugs @Ecdysis if you need.
Hope you are kind to yourself today, even if it's a bad day.

I decided to do the same. I can't expect my brain to work on all I've been going through plus sleep deprivation. It's not realistic. So after a lot of feeling torn about it I gave myself a rest tonight. Bad times pass even when we don't know how they can. All we choose is what we do/are resposible for. I decided if there will be a lot of applying in my near future, I need to be well rested on occasion at least, and light up, for a moment. And trust in myself that I'll survive this too like anything before.
If there will be lots of work ahead, I need to be better mentally, so, I'm giving myself rest tonight. All else can wait for a night.
If anything of 'the worst scenarios' I can conjure happens it will (literally may have happened 1 in 100 times and I survived) then, I deal with that.

In the meantime the best thing I can do for myself is be in as good physical shape as I can so my mind is as sharp as it can be- given all circumstances.
Hope you all our there are good to yourself and being kind to yourself.
Night for now.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Are there no unemployment benefits, disability payments, rent relief payments or anything similar that you could apply for?

I'm a foreigner here, so benefits take a lot more time, no rent relief programs for anyone I believe. Disability paperwork alone to my knowledge takes 2 years to finish. Also I haven't been home for long enough now that I can't get benefits there either.
So for the time being, I'm on my own.

Tho, I do think that my daily to-do lists are unrealistic

I do the same even without depression, but without the depression I don't feel so guilty- I know I've written all the tasks on my mind, I'm happy I've done many of them, and move the rest to the next day. With depression there is this constant feeling of being behind in life. Doesn't help anything.

Depression is the absolute worst.

Agreed. Anxiety along with it. Today I was waiting on the help for the trip and trying to plan the trip and meanwhile, be applying and all. The money didn't come on time (usually I get them within an hour)- but okay, it happens, right, might come in few hours or tomorrow morning. Regular administrative delay. But in this mood it equaled to feeling very dark and disappointed and unable to move, then got a panic attack on the way back from the bank like the money magically won't come (not possible) and I've been in pagamas ever since. And then realised that with my brain and productivity as it is I may have to travel Friday, not Wednesday. Realistically. Which created another series of panic attacks of having to update everyone and adjust my plans.
Not my proudest moment.

I've found it really helps setting a timer while I do a task, to get my brain back into reality...

I usually put baby tasks on a list (helps me look at what I have finished), and then put 1 song- work on a task. Seems to help because I get that feeling too.

Anyway. Need to pull it together. For once. It's too important.

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm a foreigner here, so benefits take a lot more time, no rent relief programs for anyone I believe. Disability paperwork alone to my knowledge takes 2 years to finish. Also I haven't been home for long enough now that I can't get benefits there either.
So for the time being, I'm on my own.

Wow, that's really rough... I've grown up in 2 different countries, so I know a bit of what that's like, tho I had had access to unemployment/ disability benefits in both countries.
Do you think it's a viable situation for you? I know for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with major mental health issues (which I do) and live in a country where I have no access to unemployment/ disability/ etc as a backup in times of illness. It'd be utterly unworkable for me and the strain of it would actually make my mental health situation so much worse.
I actually moved countries in my mid 20s based on a mental health care decision... The country I was living in had close to zero mental health treatment options (this was back in the mid 90s) so I moved to a country with very comprehensive medical care for mental health. I've never regretted making that decision because I know that I'd simply not have survived in the other country given how suicidal and how much in need of inpatient trauma therapy I was back then.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Wow, that's really rough... I've grown up in 2 different countries, so I know a bit of what that's like, tho I had had access to unemployment/ disability benefits in both countries.
Do you think it's a viable situation for you? I know for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with major mental health issues (which I do) and live in a country where I have no access to unemployment/ disability/ etc as a backup in times of illness. It'd be utterly unworkable for me and the strain of it would actually make my mental health situation so much worse.
I actually moved countries in my mid 20s based on a mental health care decision... The country I was living in had close to zero mental health treatment options (this was back in the mid 90s) so I moved to a country with very comprehensive medical care for mental health. I've never regretted making that decision because I know that I'd simply not have survived in the other country given how suicidal and how much in need of inpatient trauma therapy I was back then.

Actually it's the same here, as is in my country, both- mental health specifically is barely regarded as a thing. Private insurance doesn't cover any of it, maybe 1 meeting with psyhiatrist and that's it. Therapy is on you. There is 1 mental health center that is free and was great but covid ruined it. They stopped giving out recipes, just counselling, they limited sessions to 30min to which they were late 45, and basically gave me advice that made me feel more hopeless. They actually saved me once upon a time, I was doing weekly counselling. They are no longer a viable option. In my home country where I still have home insurance (and parents who don't believe depression and anxiety are real things beyond stressing a bit)- my state insurance covers 20min with a psyhiatrist, and once again, that is it. So neither country is great in terms of mental health.

So to get disability based on that, especially on something as PTSD only more recently recognised beyong veterans- you have to really consistently prove to them how incapable you are. And the 'benefits' you get aren't really enough. But it's my home. Never felt at home in my country. I feel at home here. There are things here I can't imagine ever leaving that keep me sane. So if I get a hang on my work situation eventually I'll make sure to take care of my own mental heatlh out of pocket and have savings. Eventually have unemployment. I was going in that direction but 2020 and then something every year after derailed me. Just as I think things are stable they slip under me. Plus relocation would be a huge trigger, one of the biggest for me, even moving apartments was really tough every time I've done it and messed up my balance.
There are good things though. Once you get recipe for meds it's good for 6 months, so one less thing to worry about. And the price of the meds themselves compared to any other medicine for anything is pretty decent. It's just the lack of therapy options that is really hard in these times. But I'm picking up my emergency meds today (was without them for 2 weeks cause of no income- on no income any price is too much) and once I get them they will last me few months so that is cool.

I don't know what I'll do about my situation, but today was triggering, and then got even more triggering. But it sort of brings up that desire to somehow for once be stronger than this (the physical situation, I know depression isn't a mood but it will get better). But I need to raise above my situation and build a sustainable future here. I knew it once upon a time and it's now more true than ever, I can work, and I should, but I also have to build something beyond that. Online shop, offline, whereever. Something I do often enough that I can still do in bed times. Everyone I knew even without PTSD is struggling right now, people with university degrees are having 2 jobs and it's a mess. So I need to accept that I can submit to all of this or I can try and do something about it.
I'm a little lost today, but I'm seeking answers.
I just can't deal with fixing everything at once. And my life needs a lot of fixing right now. But I have to protect the good parts. Somehow.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

And this shows how much depression messes with your thoughts. Literally because the money coming in for the trip was few hours late I had a meltdown. Now that I got them it seems weird how impossible it felt that I would receive them- even when I knew they were sent. I was sure something would go wrong.
And that is the same feeling I have over a lot of things this past week so I should just do stuff and try to push that feeling to the side for now, or let it out in some way. Depression definitely lies to you. I'll never have everything cleaned, never get enough work, or any work again, I'll be homeless/evicted, I'll waste hours on online store and no one will buy anything, or hours applying and I won't get a job because of my resume or my skills or too many people or pick any reason... I'll never be stable again, never eat healthy, have good health, get in good shape, sort out X problem.
But I will. I know I will.

Anyway. Today wasn't my proudest.
Triggers. Lots of thinking.

Did laundry, went to the bank twice, and the pharmacy and groceries and archived some documents/tidyied the living room.
Made a pretty major decision (under the circumstances) to travel Friday and had to recalibrate most plans to that.
But I'm finally feeling like I'll almost make a dent into that black wall that my future seemed to be last week. I'm sorting things out. Slowly.

 

[Ecdysis]

How you coping today, @SeekingAfrica ?

I've done quite well today, getting 2 major tasks done well... then decided to take a nap and now trying to get a third task done but totally hitting a wall.

I feel like my inner kid is wailing and crying and panicking about this task and other than "omg shut up" I don't have much of a response about it, other than it's driving me into an avoidance spiral.