Tiny Daily Wins

[Tinyflame]

I have to tackle what I need to do today too, but you guys give me courage. I find it helpful to not think of what I 'have' to do but just start with the thought I will methodically get done what I can, and one thing for sure I must (deadline) without worry about it. And take short breaks, and one chore at a time. And start the one I must no later than about 7 or 8 pm (not midnight).

But going to have one more cup of coffee and center myself first without pressure. Then, not think.

Good luck to you guys and good luck to us!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ecdysis I can relate, I can't stop.

I had a list. It was all working well. I'm traveling Friday. I was doing stuff, trying to cope. I did a lot of tidying so cleaning would be easer, put away a lot of things, made some calls, did laundry...
Then I went to buy the ticket and ever since I'm in trigger central....

Where I'm going is not even where anything traumatic occured, just same country.
Still keeps coming to me in pieces and memories, mixing, different trips, different ages, both traumas. I'll have to clean all day tomorrow to prepare to travel. I'm sure somehow it will get done. But everything else is breaking to pieces. I can't think of the present or the past or the future. All thath keeps coming is these bright flashes of different moments and touches and pictures coming in and out of focus and I don't feel my age or where I am...
I have to make major decisions and everything seems distorted and my body is between oversrive and sleep...

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope you can get it over with well @SeekingAfrica .

I think you realized something that I only did today. Overwork is a numbing technique. Maybe like me you never had the chance to be anything other than functionally-depressed. There's no one else to get the work done, or have to go to work, or care for something or someone. And then I realized, even the tiny wins feel like losses or insufficient. I used to think it was just exhaustion. No wonder I meltdown at some level afterwards yet never expect it. Or feel numb in between fear and distraction. Stress feels overwhelming. No wonder i often walked away in my life, usually without regret but without cognitive evaluation either. As you said, it's hard to make decisions or feel upbeat about the present or future at such times.

Good luck and safe trip friday.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Tinyflame Yes, that... and avoidance hence a lot to do right before trip cause I was depressed.

On top of it, trips are a HUGE red-flag trigger for multiple reasons, so yesterday it hit hard. It led to a bunch of flashbacks and nightmares. But I guess my body knows today I can't breakdown because I have to be on that bus tomorrow one way or another. No more rescheduling or postponing available or possible, need to be on that bus.
Still largely NOT okay about it, so I'm doing cleaning with lots of breaks so I can cope whatsoever.

Any other day I wouldn't say this but today denial is my best friend- in a sense of cleaning what is on the list and taking any break I need thinking of anything else- just to keep moving through the list. No time for reflection over how deeply screwed up everything else is. That will probably come tomorrow, that is 7h at least bus ride, plenty of rest or reflection time (though again no meltdowns cause public place). But once I'm on the bus I can think.
Until then I must do and take breaks in which I don't go too deep.
Planning, mini-meditation, notes on my phone or journaling without rereading are still acceptable.

Everything is upside down, but today I have to toll with it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

System is falling apart. Still cleaning when I should be sleeping and packed. Was ok with quick packing in morning, but cleaning as well is too much.

 

[Ecdysis]

Try to do the minimum of what's necessary. You don't need to clean your whole apartment before you go.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Safely at the new destination, despite everything. Genuinely didn't see how I'll make it through today and the 2 days before, so now I'm totally crashing.

Got an anxiety attack cause I fought with my parents but otherwise I think I'm okay so far. Wasn't my most productive day, but I did cook for us all, so that's something. And worked a little.
And yesterday and today I had some uncomfortable conversations about payments, but I didn't lose it yet.
Haven't lost anything yet. So my body is starting to come out of the freeze-adrenaline-freeze response. Today I'm still dead- tired (maybe from adrenal fatigue after weeks of worry) so will rest more, but from tomorrow I hope I manage to do more.

How's everyone else doing?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

This thread was a cute idea. But now that I'm on the trip it's unsustainable. I'm too low and too jaded. I'm barely holding up to the anxiety of trying to get through this, so counting my wins is no longer enough. I'm more functional, but more afraid and anxious than ever.

Nothing much I can do about that now. Can't even see a future tbh.
So for now I'm just counting 7 days ahead and concentrating only on those. Doesn't make for a winning thread.
I'm surviving now, in full blown hypervigilance and trying to keep it together anyway; caving in between external and internal pressure.
So it's day by day, 7 days out.

After than, maybe nothing will happen. And maybe everything (eviction on top of that). I can't predict anything. I must lean on the tiny thing that help me and try to push through.
Thank you everyone who participated in this.