To Fall With Grace

[Mallaky]

I am broken. The abscence of joy.

Life has been difficult the last weeks and darkness blooms. I look back and see pain, I look forward and see nothing. The nightmares are back, and I am unable to sleep and feel and think and breath. I look at love and feel despair. I fail to remember my dreams, only nightmares remain. I feel weak. Defeated. I feel the end has come, and all my hopes and wishes reveal their darkest secret: Futility.

And then, in the pain and anger I have the strangest feeling. A deja vu. I have travelled this road before. This is not new. This is not my first rodeo. My thoughts are viscous, they dont flow easily like they used to. But slowly I start to realize: I know this place. I have been here. I have felt this way. I have done this many times. And I have always reached the end of it and came out better.

Life is not over. This is just a fleeting moment feeling endless. In the end I always remembered the treasured thoughts now forgotten. Getting better always starts the same way. It always begins with me remembering what it felt like to look back on a nightmare fading. It begins with remembering I have been here and I did not stay.

And now I realize I have never travelled this road so gracefully. A year ago I would have been too drunk to write this post. Two years ago there would have been nothing to remember. Three years ago I did not know the words. I am falling, but I have learned how to. Three years ago I would have wanted to die. Today I wanted a piece of chocolate. Last year I would have wanted to get blackout drunk and not drinking was not an option. Today I did not get my chocolate and that was okay. I know I can get some tomorrow.

I feel broken. I have felt this way before. And I never was. I have done this before. And I have never done it so well.
I am graceful. The abscence of weakness.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Whether I end up dying by my own hand, or some other way, I would like to have something like this chiseled on my headstone someday.

 

[AnnaC]

I am so touched by your strength! Even though you are down right now & going through this tough patch you have proven time & time again that you are strong & resilient. If I could I would bring you a whole box of chocolates I would & eat them with you:)
:hug:s
You are valued & loved, please don't ever forget that.

 

[sun seeker]

Oh, the place you describe sounds so familiar. I go there with much less grace though. My hat goes off to you.

How are you feeling today @Mallaky?

 

[VioletButterfly]

I don't even know where to start. What you shared is so profound and so where I am at right now. Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope and for that I am very grateful. VB

 

[Mallaky]

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back.

@sun seeker Six weeks ago you asked me how I was doing. Thank you and sorry for not replying.
@VioletButterfly Thank you so much for your words. They mean a lot to me.
@AnnaC hope to hear from you so soon. My thoughts are with you, always.
@Whispering_Truth Thanks!

Six weeks ago I made this thread.
Five of those weeks I have been great. I was walking forward.
For a few days now I have been doing absolutely, terrifyingly bad.

I am walking backwards now. During those good weeks I have lived better then I have ever lived. I am very proud of those weeks. Saturday I had the most terrible meltdown I have ever had. Was not doing too great the days before, but did not see the signs.

I am still recovering from it, and everything hurts. My eyeballs burn, my joints hurt, my back hurts, but my mind and heart and soul hurt the most. Desperation and hopelessness are back in my home. I cant even cry anymore, for now my tears are spend.

And as horrible as that thought would have appeared to me a few days ago, I think that is okay. That is to be expected. Three steps forward, two steps back.
This is what those two step back feel like. They hurt. But after doing this dance many times, I am starting to accept it.
I feel like I am back at the beginning, back at the worst place I have ever been. But its not true. Its just a few steps back. If I force myself to look closely I can see. Did good excercise today. No drinking at all. Good food. And even though the meltdown felt like death, like the worst experience of my life, I did fine. Yes, I yelled at my beloved partner that I hated him and that he is the worst that ever happened to me. As rotten and horrible and hard to forgive that might be, a year ago it would have been worse. And worse the year before. Two years ago I was not doing any excercise, and last year it took me months to get back into the saddle. I would have spent tons of money on stupid shit and fast food.
Instead yesterday I poured myself into the finest piece of art I have done. At times like this a year ago, all of this would have been unthinkable. And the years before that, all this was unthinkable even during the good times.

Just two steps back. That is all.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I think this shows acknowledgement, acceptance, and growth with this disorder. It's all about steps and how we view them, then about what we do about them. I had a T who used to ask me to concentrate on what I thought I did for myself each day that was healthy and proactive, as you've noted above. Then she asked me to look at what I do consistently and then to build upon that slowly. If a couple of things dropped off for a time, then that was okay. It's all part of the overall picture, I think. Just my thoughts. Also, my best wishes for the next step forward. Hang in there. It sounds like much progress has bee made in the long run. VB