Touch Violation/boundaries-- I Need To Know If This Was Wrong

[lithium-mom]

I have 2 general stories to talk about and they're both to do with my dad.

I think there should be a trigger warning for what I'm about to talk about-- it's mostly just really weird and gives me a lot of anxiety.

1. My dad gave me the sex talk and talks about my period. My mother never did. He saw it as his "duty" to, but I remember when I was 16 having these long in depth talks (well, he talked) (and I asked to leave but he wouldn't let me) about sex (even sex with my mom). He described how men needed to have sex and if they didn't have sex they had a right to be angry.

Now that I have a relationship, I have a lot of anxiety and fear especially about being raped. I wish I could cleanse my brain of everything he ever told me about men because I am terrified of men sometimes. Even my own boyfriend and it's terrible because... sometimes it distorts my view of him and I just get so scared. We're long distance right now and I don't mind holding hands or any sort of intimacy, but from a distance it's easy to get scared that... I guess, he could violate me too.

My dad also once got extremely angry at me, and I don't remember what happened. Everything was fully clothed but he told me I had to learn to defend myself from rapists so he jumped on me and screamed "Fight!! Fight back!" and yelled at me and I ran away. I wish I could cleanse my mind from that too.

2. Whenever I'd write on the computer my dad would force me to read it aloud. I know you can say "just say no" but he was scary to me. Sometimes he would poke and prod me and tell me that he could because he was the boss and he could do whatever he wanted in his house.

I know that doesn't sound like it should give me PTSD but I want to scream when people hug me without permission. It's not that I mind hugs, I don't. But I wish people would ask. I get so infuriated to the point of complete blind rage when people do that. Of course it looks like nothing, I don't react but inwardly I'm dying.

Are intense feelings of emptiness normal after this? I don't live at home but I might have to go home because I have no money, no job and I will end up homeless. I don't want to go to a shelter. But I don't want to die emotionally again. Life out here is hard and I go day by day feeling immensely empty and restless and ready to be hurt. I want to be ready to be loved. I don't want to constantly think about suicide.

My boyfriend is the love of my life, I have only been with him since January but we've known each other for 2 years. He's my best friend and I want to be the best person I can be but it's just so hard. I guess I needed to vent because today is dreary and I'm scared for my future.

The reason I ask if this was wrong is because whenever I brought it up to my dad he would go into a speech about how my mental illness and psychosis caused him to be angry and then he'd just get angry again.

 

[Casey_03]

I read this before knowing anything about your background and my first thought was that yes, your dad's behavior was wrong and he sounds emotionally disturbed. The comment about men needing sex and having a right to be angry if they don't get it is just flat-out insane; it's deranged that he would say that to his daughter. I don't know what the deal is there, maybe someone close to him was raped when he was young or maybe there's a reason for that comment -- or maybe he's just sick. He sounds deeply emotionally abusive (did it ever go further? was it physical or sexual?) and I don't think living at home is a good idea for you. You generally seem very torn and I can tell by your post that you still blame yourself for things rather than blaming your father -- who is the one who actual deserves the blame here. What you describe is, at the very least, emotional and verbal abuse. That is enough to cause intense feelings of emptiness and a whole slew of other problems. And I don't know what the whole story with the rape is (sorry, only had time to skim your earlier posts), but your dad's behavior may very well have helped to make that happen as well (by robbing you of self-esteem). Basically, everything you are feeling is normal and you shouldn't listen to a thing your dad says. Honestly, it sounds to me like he is completely emotionally disturbed and he has projected that onto you for your entire life, which has resulted in him quite literally brainwashing you. I can tell just from reading your post that a part of you is broken, and it pains me to hear it. I think the best thing for you to do is to let yourself be angry at your dad, to stop second guessing and blaming yourself and to put as much distance between yourself and him as you can until you are at least further into your own recovery.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yes its wrong, 100% wrong and the comment about men needing sex and the right to be anhry makes me think he could possibly be a rapist or at least have that mindset.

I remember you writting about moving to Fl, did you make that move?

 

[lithium-mom]

Yes its wrong, 100% wrong and the comment about men needing sex and the right to be anhry make...

I have about until June 1st before I make it to Florida, though I might leave earlier just because I have no reason to be here after school ends May 4-5th. I don't have much money, and i'm not sure how i'm going to get the bus ticket to go there but i'm hoping everything will fall into place. Sorry I want to say more but it's been a tiring day so I will be back to describe more later. Thank you all for your support, it really means the world and I hate that i need so much reassurance to not think I'm totally insane.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You have my sympathy. It sounds as though your father genuinely wants to teach you some important lessons, but doesn't have a clue how the world really works. From what I've read, his intensity would scare me, too. Have you spoken with a doctor and/or therapist about how you're feeling?

 

[Lucycat]

My father did the 'sex talk' with me and I hated it too. Totally inappropriate. And yes - he sexually abused me for years also. I am sorry, but your father sounds very much like a threatening person to me. I would not want to be near him.

I hope you are safe and have friends around you that you trust and can rely on for help and support,

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lithium-mom i knew you had said you were moving here and I forgot when. I had thought I could help with State stuff. Why are you wanting so bad to come here (Fl) anyway?

I wouldnt speak to my dad after that, he is obviously an abuser and still is and seems very toxic. Im sorry that you're dealing with all of this.

Boyfriend stuff, give yourself time to work through this. Doesnt sound like you have a therapist? If not, can you see one through a health department type of thing for a while? To help work through some stuff and then do the same in Fl, health department sort of thing?

There are free therapists but be careful, I had bad experiences with free therapists.

Let me know if i can help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

your father sounds very much like a threatening person to me. I would not want to be near him.

I agree!

 

[ladee]

Please, never apologize for needing validation.... abuse, any kind of abuse, makes us doubt our own reality. So you know now, that from our take on the situation, he was absolutely wrong..... so hope you get to move, figure out a way.... and sending energy for you to be able to start on your journey of healing.

 

[lithium-mom]

@lithium-mom i knew you had said you were moving here and I forgot when. I...

Well I have healthcare for about another year, but here where I live it's really hard to get a therapist/psychiatrist or anyone because it's very rural. You can get appointment once every three weeks and I need one at LEAST once a week. I'm a pianist! I'm a classical pianist and there is a very good teacher in Pensacola! It's incredibly stressful to be a music major but I've already managed very severe stress in my life and I think I will be fine eventually. The days are hard but I will get stronger (I assume).

I want to apply for benefits (SSI) once I get to Florida probably in late-May or early-June. I'm not sure how early I am coming, but that's my plan because I won't have a job or anything. But the thing is, I won't have a job here or anywhere else.

I did get my financial aid package so if all works out well I should at the very least be able to see a school therapist, but have absolutely no money for personal use. Not even entertainment, just like food and stuff.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

SSI is very hard to get here (or it was for my step mom & after 5 yrs and 3 court hearings she got turned down each time). Its easy to get foodstamps apparently, even if you're not homeless you can claim you are. Not that i agree but just stating that...i know some that are doing that.

Ive never been to the panhandle but im sure its not much different then the rest of this stupid State.

 

[EveHarrington]

Parents tend to get the sex talk wrong in so many ways.

My adolescent sex talk still haunts me to this day and everyone in the family remembers how I freaked out.

Your dad was wrong to say those things about men needing sex and getting angry if they don't get it. (What are we----baboons?! My apologies to real baboons as I'm sure they're quite nice.)