Triggering Myself Intentionally. Why!?

[Maxi]

I'm generally someone who is quite cautious around things which may trigger me (I have massive issues with avoidance) and so this issue I have is a little odd.

Sometimes I'll watch, or read things which I know will trigger me in some way (they may be TV programs which contain content similar to my traumas etc) and once I'm triggered I'll repeatedly source out more information to trigger me over and over and over again. Then I get flashbacks (usually fragments which I deny as being significant, as most days I like to pretend that nothing bad has happened to me and I'm fine. On slightly healthier days I can be more accepting) and I don't sleep and flood myself with self-hate and it feels like I have no control over it. I just feel driven to read and/or hear about situations which were similar to mine and then hate myself afterwards for exposing myself to them. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I do this. It's almost as if a part of me wants to re-experience my traumas over and over and over again, it's bizarre!

Any clues as to why I do this? And most importantly how do I stop myself being so attracted to such things?

 

[Friday]

Well... That's half the foundation of Exposure Therapy... Which is the best way to blunt or out & out remove triggers that I know of. There's a brand new entry on it on the home page. There's also a very detailed explanation of Exposure Therapy (& MOOD management, & Dares, etc.) under CBT in the Vault.

Or it could also be Retraumatization. Or several other things.

ETA... Just read in your other thread that you've done a form of exposure therapy for OCD. I'd lean towards that as the reason for being attracted to triggers, if you've already had success in one area? It's fairly natural to direct it towards another area in your life.

 

[Maxi]

Thanks FJ, I'll check them out. The thing is it doesn't feel like exposure therapy, in the sense that I'm drawn to it. Generally when I've done exposures I'm incredibly avoidant and so it involves a lot of effort to break through that and expose myself to things which terrify me, this feels a whole lot different. I seem to be retraumatising myself, but I'm not sure why I'm drawn to do that, it's confusing.

 

[Biz]

Maxi, I do this too. In my journal, I call it trauma binging. My explanation to myself, and maybe it'll resonate with you, is that it's a control thing. I'm triggered and then I'm choosing to control subsequent triggers. There's some sense of relief in it for me, but it's also destructive and repetitive. I will do it until I've pushed myself to a lot of disturbance and then I'll try to come back down. (I restrict food-wise but I do wonder if this is what binging and purging must feel like).

 

[shimmerz]

Maxi, I have found for myself that trauma triggers call to me. I would walk into Dominion every damned time - re-exposed over and over again. I felt for me like it was my sheer and utter incapability to regulate myself. Not being able to not regulate tends to lead me to being an 'over achiever' when it comes to triggers. No pain no gain right?

T-doc set me straight on that one. Told me absolutely no WAY to walk into a trigger until I had learned regulation skills at least at a minimal level.

 

[Maxi]

@Biz Yeah Trauma binge is exactly how I would describe it. There is definitely some relief in it, but I don't feel in control when I'm doing it, I just feel compelled to. It is similar to the binge-purge cycle in the sense that afterwards I always feel confused and disgusted in myself for having put myself through it.

@shimmerz it sounds like to me that being an overachiever your motivation seems to be recovery and you're rushing/being overzealous in your approach? With me, I tend to trigger myself repeatedly and then I'll try to self-soothe in unhelpful ways and I'll feel a little more relaxed, but I'll also feel self-hate, disgust and confusion because it's not like someone has triggered me by mistake, I've done it to myself.

 

[Skylynx]

I was ridiculous about going ahead with things I knew would trigger. I watched the Sybil movie and landed in the psych ward over it. Also read "The Divided Self" by R.D. Laing, and ended up in psych ward two weeks over that. I knew I was in trouble as I read it but did anyway. The reason being both with the movie and book was that it showed all my suffering but didn't tell of any real answers to it all. They depicted the truth about my illness, but offered no hope for me. But I did get much better with good therapy that helped me understand dissociation and how to make friends instead of enemies with my alters inside. But I think that the parts inside are so longing and desperate to be heard and helped that anything which impinges on them, for better or worse, is like a powerful magnet.

 

[Weemie]

yep. immersion over avoidance. i do it too. i think it's my brain's way of proving to itself that we're okay, we can handle it. we can overpower it and overcome it and understand it and embrace the fire.