Trouble Believing I Deserve Things

[brokenchild]

I am really struggling with believing I deserve things, to be happy, to have fun, to eat, to drink, etc. In order to "allow" myself to do these things, I have to accomplish something first (clean the kitchen, read a chapter, etc.) or else eating, drinking, etc. makes me even more depressed and I feel guilty.

When I tell people this, all I get told is that eating, drinking, etc has nothing to do with deserving or not deserving, it's something we need to do, be it for survival (eating and drinking) or for mental health (relaxing and having fun).

I don't know if I'm explaining this well. Can anyone out there relate?

 

[MsLadyT]

Me too. Just started to buy myself ice cream or frozen yogurt to have as a treat, and at first for many weeks, I would break into tears in the midst of eating it.
Its getting better as I get better. I think in my case part of all the trauma I believe I failed in preventing it from happening, when in reality I did a great job, did everything I could, and at the time could think of no other way to deal with things.
I find that false guilt and shame is harder to deal with than REAL guilt and shame...those I can readily acknowledge..anyway for me that's the reason.
However I have one and a half containers of frozen yogurt in the freezer with plans to consume them with total enjoyment!

 

[Lucycat]

Oh Broken Child, how I relate to this.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have fought to understand that I deserve, am entitled to what everyone else seems to take for granted!
I have never really thopught it part of the PTSD but you are so right. Go for it, believe it, and if you can, enjoy it...

 

[brokenchild]

Though I am not happy others are suffering in this way, I am happy I am not alone. No one has ever seemed to understand.

I've struggled with this on and off for years. It eventually became anorexia but I have since recovered and am at a healthy weight. I was also punished in various ways for eating, not just told I didn't deserve to eat and denied access to adequate food.

It's 3:30 pm and I just "allowed" myself to have my first drink of water all day. This is not a good thing.

 

[James B.]

Yeah I can relate 100% brokenchild...

It took me until my early 40's 'till I felt I deserved to make a living, had the skills all that, just didn't feel I actually deserved the income. Pretty sad. The whole thing, not feeling I deserved all the usual stuff, probably - in my case - led to some pretty prolonged periods of self-sabotage. In fact, one might say my whole adult life was one big self-sabotage routine. My hunch - in my case - is that root on this one is something like the core belief of low self esteem. In my own mind and for my situation, that sounds about right.

 

[Artista]

Interesting to read this and its connection. Admittedly I have had issues with eating just because my stomach has problems feeling nauseus. Has for a good deal of my life and no doubt reflects inner struggle from the time my traumas began. So i am unsure how they play in. You are making me think further.

I am one who when severely upset, can't eat. When problems arise, it steals my appetite. I do think it has a bit to do with issues I have had and feeling worthy, but it is only part of it. And now my gluten-free, dairy free food that seems to decrease my nausea and well being, are more expensive and I sometimes will eat things so slowly as if it is just too much spent on me to eat as i could... it stops me. Glad you put me on to this. I will pay attention now. Like, ok... I found this diet to help me but I can't justify the money for it. Not worthy as you said. Yes, economic times also make me watch what I buy, but health is something I should be able to spend on. Instead I feel I deserve the feelings of it's too good for me. Ridiculous when I write it, yet still feel it many times. Logic has nothing to do with feelings.

 

[brokenchild]

I was also punished in various ways for eating, so not deserving food/liquid is more than just the deserve thing at times. But the deserve issue has lasted a lot longer.

 

[anni]

it really is part of being too hard on ourselves, and feeds itself-please forgive the food comparison. One then starts kicking yourself for kicking yourself-really a no-win perspective.I personally can't do one thing until my entire world is in order- which is as much to do with control as it is with needing to feel deserving of a break. It's just that 'we' get awfully good at control issues, also.The 2 are probably inter- connected somewhere.

I'm just replying because my T gave me something helpful once, which works sometimes. Appealing to one's logical self and saying to yourself that noone will die if I 'allow' XYZ-if I sit down in the middle of the day, or buy something I think I don't deserve, or the dam towels are not folded. It's probably just such an absurd and obvious thought that it works for my head.It also disallows the whole 'deserve' arument altogether, if you see what I mean.The logical part of one's head says 'Oh-yes, noone died and I just did that!' :) Everyone really is different, but this did help me and still does sometimes.

 

[brokenchild]

anni, while it might work, I was threatened with people being injured or killed if I did something that I knew I wasn't supposed to do. Even though part of me knows nothing will happen to them now, there's still the part of me that couldn't live with myself if something DID happen to them because of me.

 

[anni]

Oh Good Heavens. Yes well of course that sort of thing would take an awful lot more than THAT to work through one's head! I can't remember if you said you'd been able to have a T? Not that it sounds as if you're at all terribly in need, but the professionals ( the good ones... :) ) recognize what-dynamic was upset-by-what, and possibly how one would go aboout convincing your head that isn't the case! As much as so many things can be the same with this thing, everyone is different in the end, I think, in what does help, you know? There's another thread, where some people find meds helpful and some do not and never did. Just interesting what does end up being truly workable and healing for each individual. If you haven't yet, I do think you will find something, or combination through time.

It is not in the least funny-but made me shake my head to think what was helpful in my therapy would be actually STUPIDLY unhelpful for someone with your terrible experiences! I can't imagine!!Good lord!

 

[brokenchild]

anni - You are right. Everyone is different. I just wish I could find something that worked for me.

 

[Seneca]

When I tell people this, all I get told is that eating, drinking, etc has nothing to do with deserving or not deserving, it's something we need to do, be it for survival (eating and drinking) or for mental health (relaxing and having fun).

It might be the case that you're focusing too much on "deserving" and "not deserving." In reality, these things are illusory. If someone "deserves" something, that means that someone sees fit to give them something. There are no objective standards for deserving, only our own capricious, human standards.

I don't know what your background is, but judging from your screen name, am I out of line in assuming you were verbally abused? Maybe told you "didn't deserve" something? If that's the case, then you associated "deserving" with "getting." As an adult, you're still trying to prove yourself worthy of having your needs met, when in reality, it's just a matter of getting what you need and trying to meet your own standards, not someone else's.

Hope that makes sense. I'm kind of in a rambling mood today.