Trust Issues When Therapist Cancels Sessions.

[Flashlight14]

I'm trying to figure out what I should do here. I have major trust issues with people in general; I don't let anybody get close or let them know how I really feel...not even family. My T is one of the only people (if not THE only person) who knows that I'm struggling. I'm pretty damn good at covering up my emotions, so my T usually doesn't know just how bad it really is unless I tell her. That's the next breakthrough-in-progress for our relationship: Me opening up and showing emotion.

The problem is, I hold back because I'm convinced that she won't be there for me (or be available) when I really need her. "Sure, I could lean on her now, but the moment I need her the most she will disappear like everyone else before her."
Unfortunately, my T (or life happening to my T) is not helping the situation. Over the last 2 months, my T has cancelled 4 sessions (only 2 of which were rescheduled). With this last cancellation, I'm now facing 3-4 weeks without a T, due to the holidays. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't spent the last two weeks talking myself out of suicide...again. I'm doing ok now, and work will keep me busy, but it's still a long time to be without support.

Every other week, she's sick or has some other client to deal with. I'm pretty good about not holding it against her or feeling abandoned (probably because I'm not leaning on her right now) - I get it. Life happens. It's not her fault she's sick or another client just attempted suicide. But when it happens this often, (not to mention starting half the sessions we DO have late), I can't help but feel frustrated. It feels all too familiar to friendships/relationships I've had. Relationships where I was hung out to dry. Relationships where I was abused and/or abandoned.

I know that this is just "life happening" but - good grief! - it's so hard to try and trust somebody to be there for you when you have "proof" that they can't. I don't want to give up on this T. I really like her and she is the first one who really understands me and helps. She's the first T (of the many I've had) who I feel like I can actually WORK with. Under the ideal circumstances, I could heal with this T. I just don't think I can heal with this T if things keep going like this. I feel bad thinking I should confront her for being human and doing her job. I don't want to be demanding or uncaring, but I don't want to keep planning on a session and then getting it pushed back, either.
I'm not sure what to do. I'll probably bring this up in the next session we have. I guess I'm just wondering if any of you have dealt with this kind of thing before and how it went? What would you do? [sorry this was so long]

 

[rainbow1]

When I first started seeing my current T, he explained to me the importance of starting and finishing our sessions on time. He said it was his responsibility to make sure we kept to time so that each of his clients knew that when they came to see him he would be available for them and that their time was equally important. He said it was a lot about setting boundaries.

The cancellations for illness can't be helped but cancelling due to other clients really shouldn't be something that happens a lot I wouldn't have thought. It has never happened to me and i've seen my T for over 3 years - I wonder if maybe she has too many clients?

It sounds like you really want things to work though with her so its definitely worth having the conversation and seeing what she says. I hope you can find a way to work things out.

 

[Flashlight14]

The issues with starting on time don't bother me as much as cancelled sessions. She gives me the full "hour" (or more if I need it and she doesn't have another client waiting) even if we start late. It just sucks waiting and not knowing what's going on. I think that it has more to do with my past than anything else. The anticipation, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what I'm going to be walking into or what mood somebody's in today - I lived with that awful feeling for so many years, I guess I've attached that feeling to therapy too.

The time she cancelled due to another client she was "On-Call" and apologized for not rescheduling me before I walked in. She does have a lot of clients...more than usual, she's told me. I can imagine she's under a lot of pressure with all these clients and health issues - that's why I feel so conflicted, I don't want to make her feel bad. Of course, I realize that "protecting" my T by not addressing this stuff is not my job AND it's not healthy for our relationship/work. Ah. Hopefully we'll figure it out.
@rainbow1 I like the "setting boundaries" thing; my T's mentioned that before. I guess we should discuss this. Thank you for your response!

 

[Leigh925]

Can you email her? It would be so great if you could tell her how you are feeling.

The first major hurdle my therapist and I had to overcome was a situation similar to this. I felt totally vulnerable and kind of embarrassed about how bad I was feeling about it.

I don't know how because I had never expressed a need and covered up my feelings about having needs quite a bit but I somehow got the courage to email him.

I tried to be fair about it. I explained that I understood that illnesses and sometimes cancellations were unavoidable but that I was feeling abandoned particularly because he knew how much I had been struggling.

He called me shortly after he received the email. He told me that he could tell I was trying to be fair and take into account that he is human and stuff happens in his life but he was sorry that I was left feeling that way.

He apologized and set up an appt during a time that he would not normally be working.

It was a huge gain for us and I was glad I opened up. I think it propelled our therapy forward. In fact he says working through those kinds of issues often is the very therapy we are trying to get to.

The thing is that is worked out for me....but he is not my first therapist and I don't think the others would have responded that way so it is a very scary thing to do.

Even if she doesn't respond exactly the way you would like it would be a huge step for you in advocating for yourself and that alone would be something to be proud of! Best of luck.

 

[Flashlight14]

I was going to hold off on emailing her, but you make a great point. Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm glad it worked out well for you and your T. I'm crossing my fingers it will be the same for us.

 

[Leigh925]

Good Luck. Keep us posted!