Sufferer Try To Accept It And Start Over...again

[AngrySky]

I guess since this is the introductions page I should introduce myself or at least who I think I am.

I was born into a family of alcoholics, abusers, pedophies and all around lovely people. My mother went through all types of drug/alcohol addictions while in many diffenert relationships with severely abusive boyfriends who cut /beat her to peices. I was told I was such a good little girl for helping my naked mother clean off the blood and put medications on her open cuts. When just moments before I was told...I will kill your mother before the cops ever get here if you try to call for help. That is probably the best example of hundreds of events. I was also sexually abused for years as a small child by an Aunt/Uncle duo. I have years of memory loss during childhood as well as large gaps of memory loss over my adult life. I dont even recall some of the amazing and beuatiful memories of my childrens lives. Too busy living in my own head. Amazing how you can appear present with someone and they (as well as myself) have no idea I am living my own life in my head at the same time. (Does that even makes sense?)

I have always been the one in the family that everyone comes to for great advice. The one who "turned out so well despite my past". I was the rock. The one who could deal with lifes traumatic events because I was methodical and "didnt let me feelings get in the way." (yes, this has been told to me as a Good thing. Funny isnt it?) I was the golden girl. Good student, respectful,cheerleader all around good girl for the most part. For what any knew. I was secretely wanna be promiscuous. Taunting and teasing the boys but never allowing them anything. Playing with them like cat toys just because I could. Like moths to a flame.

I had my moments of teenage angst but I never allowed myself to lose control of myself. I MUST always be in control. Dont show anger, dont show sadness, dont show vulnerability. Laugh it off, act happy, Be Happy. Dont let anyone know what being you feels like. Dont let anyone know that you are broken. Dont tell anyone the truth. Be who everyone wants you to be. Conform. Dont rock the boat.

Long story short, because I know we could all go on forever about the conflicts in our heads, I was the good girl who somehow ended up in the wrong situation. Pregnant at 19, married because of it. Divorced a year later. Married again for money 13 years older than me. He would take care of me and my daughter, found out really quickly that he was a SERIOUS emotional and physical abuser. 5 years later - Divorced again to protect my daughter from my childhood.

Married again. For safety., Loyal, safe, "normal". Everything a partner is supposed to be right? Not for me. I dont know how to deal with normal. I isolated. I dissociated. I withdrew into my own mind about how awful I was and I didnt deserve someone like him. He would find me out and leave anyway. Had twi boys. I had an affair. Now preparing for my 3rd divorce. Did I mention I was only 37?

I am 37, mother to 3 kids, and severely broken. Lots of therapy later and I dont want to change. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and feel most safe being on edge and sad. Happiness makes me worry and feel guilty. I dont deal well with genuinely happy people. I think they are all hiding behind their smiles because life isnt good. Happiness isnt real. You must hurt to feel alive.

Nice to meet you.

 

[Hashi]

Welcome to the forum, AngrySky.

I was moved by what you wrote about your family of origin and your upbringing. I can only speak for myself, but sometimes I feel like a case history for police/social worker files and I feel like my childhood and young adult life is the sort of story that most people would feel sympathy for in the moment but can't actually begin to imagine. Likewise, I can't begin to imagine how it has been, to be you.

I'm not sure how to respond to your views on happiness. I'm not sure I share them, but I respect that those are your views. None of us deserves what we have experienced, and I'm very sorry that you've experienced what you have. This forum is a safe supportive place, and I hope that you will find it so. It has certainly made me feel less alone. I hope you will find what you need here.

 

[Flyaway]

Hi, hope you can find the support you're looking for here!

 

[AngrySky]

Thank you, Hashi, for your welcome.

I agree with you about feeling like a perfect case study, as well as someone having sympathy but never understanding. I feel that way about my husband now. I think he would like to understand but coming from the "perfect" ( I know nothing is perfect) upbringing he cannot begin to fathom what scars you carry on the inside from things like these. He is more like "Just Stop It!" (Saurday Night Live Skit)

I think now that I read my post I may come across as angry. I am not usually. I do try to keep laughter in my life. I seem to find humor in everything. I am the perfect example of Laugh to Keep from Crying, I guess.

As for the happiness - I feel that way for me. I assume people can be happy. Happy people just make me wary I think because I dont understand them. I really make a point of never judging anyone. I am a firm believer that you cant judge people because you dont know their story. But it does seem that I dont trust happy people. Therefore I guess I juge them. Hypocritical, I know.

Thank you for posting and I am sorry for your experiences too. It is unfortunate to meet this way but I look forward to learning from everyone here.

 

[Hashi]

I think now that I read my post I may come across as angry. I am not usually. I do try to keep laughter in my life. I seem to find humor in everything. I am the perfect example of Laugh to Keep from Crying, I guess.

Angry is OK, though. Why wouldn't we be angry? Here on the forum at least, that's understood.

I do relate to having to function and maintain relationships, and also to having an aspect of myself that is humorous, kind and giving. I think that's genuine, and I think it's also genuine to be deeply affected by our histories. Being a survivor of trauma, I think, is about feeling very differently in different situations.

Please feel free to express yourself here as you need to. People here get it.

 

[AngrySky]

Thank you for your kindness.

 

[dms]

Welcome to the forum AngrySky. Your marriages resemble all 3 of mine with the exception of any physical abuse.

 

[intothelight]

Hi AngrySky

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Growing up in an abusive household makes it difficult to know what a healthy relationship should look like. Add in other abusive relationships, PTSD and who would even know what "normal" is suppose to be. It isn't surprising that "normal" feels extremely uncomfortable.

I do believe that for a relationship to be healthy, as person has to be healthy. I hope that you find the information and support here is beneficial to your own healing. There is also a sister forum you may find helpful: MyDomesticViolence.com.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[bell]

Happy people just make me wary I think because I dont understand them.

Me, too, @AngrySky, I don't understand them either. So, you're especially not alone on that on that count, and you're not alone on the other counts either.

Dont show anger, dont show sadness, dont show vulnerability. Laugh it off, act happy, Be Happy. Dont let anyone know what being you feels like. Dont let anyone know that you are broken.

I could have written this, too. "Be happy" on all accounts, right? Well, as @Hashi said, it's okay for you to be angry. Happily, I've found that by learning to express my anger properly, I've been able to reconnect to my joy. It's a hard road and journey, but it's worth it. And, at "only" 37, you gotta a lot of living to do left. And, above all, be gentle with yourself, this is not easy, but it is possible, and more than anything, it is worth it.

 

[AngrySky]

@dms - I am sorry they all sound like yours. I dont know about you but it seems I am always looking for something that has some serious reasoning behind it. Someone that will be the right "move" to make. The one that will make me feel normal. If only I had this, then I could, If only he were like that, then I could. Well, apparently, I cant. I have no idea who I really am I have been prentending for so long.

Debbie - Thanks for the support. I have a little thing I say to myself - more as a cover I guess. Normal is boring. - It really is. I think that is part of my problem. I function so well on adrenaline that I think the lack of adrenaline for the last 8 years has made me edgy. Maybe that is why I had an affair??? To feel alive or on the edge or something. I dont know. Like always..grasping for an answer.

@bell - Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in being weirded out by happy people. It is awful but I really think they they are like the wicked witch trying to entice you with the beautiful shiny apple just to entrap you and catch you when you arent looking. Small trust issues, perhaps?? LOL.

 

[arfie]

I Would say, "Welcome aboard, Angry Sky," but you have been here a whole day longer than I have. Welcome aboard, anyway.

I, too, am from a long line of alcoholism and family dysfunction. The fun just never ends, but I get by with a little help from my therapy support network. Every so often I even accomplish a little healing from the madness.

 

[AngrySky]

Well, then welcome avboard to you, Arfie :) Thanks. So far, theis board has made me a little less alone.