Relationship Trying to Stay Sane Alone

[PreciousChild]

Hey @Pippi427 , it's understandable that you're in a bad place. I do believe that there was betrayal. You said before that you also have ptsd from childhood, right? I know that right now that you're feeling angry at the ex, and you're totally justified. In the midst of this difficult time, if you can also see it as an opportunity to explore your own feelings, that would be good. I know that for me, my break-up was a good time to connect with the emotions that were being brought up. I found that some of the loneliness, abandonment, rejection, anger, and other feelings came from my childhood. Digging deeper might result in deeper connections and resolutions. I think it did for me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Combat vets are people just like everybody else... some just happen to be assholes too. I wouldn’t discount them all because he was a dud.

You’re not the one with the character flaw in this situation. You have to grieve the idea you had of him.

 

[KULawHawk]

Still wrestling with bad thoughts today. It's hard to move into a healthy frame of mind today. I wonder if something is wrong with me is why I fell for him. Maybe we were "just dating" but that doesn't excuse the blatant and frequent lies. That is what hurt me the most.

Are addictions like this common place with combat vets? I'm afraid to ever date another.

I would invite you to step back for a minute, and see the positives buried in your pain and heartache.

1. It's actual resolution. He's a selfish unfaithful asshole. Not someone who deserves your compassion and concern.

2. Stop turning his actions- the cheating, lies, and manipulation, inwardly to tear yourself down and twist it into something wrong with you.

While it's healthy to vent your anger and sadness, and you should do so as long and as much as you need. I am conflicted on your seeking to keep contacting him or continue down the rabbit hole of investigating what he's been up to. You already know more than enough to know that this is not a person you want in your life. Why invite more pain when it's not going to do you any good?
Similarly, nothing he is going to say is going to explain the pain or betrayal away. There are many ways to get your anger out without giving him the satisfaction of you needing to get his attention.

Please don't turn his being a pathetic excuse for a human being into a way to turn it around and beat yourself up and let toxic thoughts rule you with blame, shame, guilt.

You need to separate the sadness of heartache, and the anger and pain of betrayal. All of which you have to suffer unfortunately, but you don't need to pile on making yourself feel shitty. That will only prolong the pain, and actually do more damage, because if you start flipping this back on yourself, then you really will start having a lower and lower opinion of yourself and start accepting people who are wrong for you & damaging because you have convinced yourself that that's what you deserve. That's an open door to an abusive spiral.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but an extra large dose of self love is what you need. Get a massage, do a spa day, go have your favorite meal and grab a bottle of wine and put on a few of your favorite albums *that aren't about love or downers...anything upbeat *, or something else you enjoy that can take you out of the moment and re-engage you in the present.

 

[KULawHawk]

Good luck, and you can always vent here!

I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I hope a sense of calm and peace washes over you when you recognize that the faster he's a distant memory, the better, and you will be fine- you've survived this before and something is definitely out there way better.
I mean, objectively, he sets a pretty low bar, so it's not a major loss, but it's just raw right now & hurts like hell!

 

[Pippi427]

I would invite you to step back for a minute, and see the positives buried in your pain and heartache.

1. It's actual resolution. He's a selfish unfaithful asshole. Not someone who deserves your compassion and concern.

2. Stop turning his actions- the cheating, lies, and manipulation, inwardly to tear yourself down and twist it into something wrong with you.

While it's healthy to vent your anger and sadness, and you should do so as long and as much as you need. I am conflicted on your seeking to keep contacting him or continue down the rabbit hole of investigating what he's been up to. You already know more than enough to know that this is not a person you want in your life. Why invite more pain when it's not going to do you any good?
Similarly, nothing he is going to say is going to explain the pain or betrayal away. There are many ways to get your anger out without giving him the satisfaction of you needing to get his attention.

Please don't turn his being a pathetic excuse for a human being into a way to turn it around and beat yourself up and let toxic thoughts rule you with blame, shame, guilt.

You need to separate the sadness of heartache, and the anger and pain of betrayal. All of which you have to suffer unfortunately, but you don't need to pile on making yourself feel shitty. That will only prolong the pain, and actually do more damage, because if you start flipping this back on yourself, then you really will start having a lower and lower opinion of yourself and start accepting people who are wrong for you & damaging because you have convinced yourself that that's what you deserve. That's an open door to an abusive spiral.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but an extra large dose of self love is what you need. Get a massage, do a spa day, go have your favorite meal and grab a bottle of wine and put on a few of your favorite albums *that aren't about love or downers...anything upbeat *, or something else you enjoy that can take you out of the moment and re-engage you in the present.

Thank you. This is probably the most helpful thing I've heard through all of this.

 

[KULawHawk]

Thank you. This is probably the most helpful thing I've heard through all of this.

You're very welcome. Don't worry, and I know that the emotional wave is going to roll back in and try to make you second guess and doubt yourself. Stop it in its tracks. Find an easy, short affirmation that you can repeat to yourself when that emotional ball wants to bubble up and make you feel bad about yourself.

I'm so happy that I won't waste another second on someone who doesn't deserve my love, because I have a lot of love, and I will always give myself at least as much love as I have to others.

You can shorten it if you want. Even as simple as :

I'm safe. The blame is not mine. I deserve & demand better.

Also, focus on your breathing. Deep breaths... inhale 5 seconds, hold 5 seconds, exhale 5 seconds. Focus on your body, and if there are parts tight or tensed up that need to be released.

If you still feel stuck, get your butt up, and go for a 10 minute walk. Be mindful of your breathing, and try to take in the fresh air. If you can, try not to zombie walk lost in your thoughts. Actively observe whatever you come upon. If it helps make a game of it to engage your mind.

Out there are a billion reasons to make you smile. Consider this your invitation to find them whenever you feel like.