Urge To Cut Is Back

[Heather]

I used to cut my face with a razor blade......I even did it to the point that i needed stitches but i'm very lucky you cannot tell to look at me that i did that. and i used to do it a lot when i was a teenager. I meet with Steven Levenkron in NYC a couple of months back it cost me a fortune. he said the cutting of my face was an attack of my feminity. It's also what my therapist had suspected all along that i just didn't have your run of the mill self-hatred but to cut myself on the face meant that I had severe self-loathing. Hearing that makes me feel just so great! It's a tough to pill to swallow all of this shit and on top of it hearing that I don't just hate myself like everyone but I INTENSELY hate myself. I want to cringe and crawl under a rock. I need to stop now i've had enough.

 

[Darkness Shines]

Darkness Shines

struggling right now?

Well, I was. I lost the struggle a few hours ago. :( But it's pretty minor and I'm OK again now. But isn't that how this always goes? *sigh*

 

[snugglepuss]

Yeah, it is

I know last night I was struggling. I used one of the Seroquel I am prescribed and stood in the shower for 40 minutes waiting for it to kick in. I think that the struggle part of it the worst for me. That anxiety that builds and builds. I don't even know if it is anxiety. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it is tension...that tension between do it and don't do it.

If I look at where I was 4 years ago, I am doing really well. I just need to remind myself of that.

Do you know what triggered this struggle?

 

[Darkness Shines]

Do you know what triggered this struggle?

Yeah. I got into a fight with my husband. Very ironic, because we were arguing over me self-harming and lying about it a few weeks ago. So arguing over the self-harming triggered me into wanting to self-harm. Isn't C-PTSD great? :confused:

 

[snugglepuss]

LOL i don't know if i would go that far.

When i was in rehab, they made me sign a no-self-harm contract. Worst thing they could have made me do. iIdon't want to be chastised for it. I want someone to be compassionate, to understand, and to not pass judgement on me. if that is offered to me, i won't feel the need to lie about it.

I don't think that people understand that the shame and the guilt we have about self injuring is more than enough to last a lifetime. They don't need to heap theirs on too. I often find that people who don't understand it don't realize that they are asking the person who self injures to fix their emotions around it (the emotions of the people who don't understand).

It is like my addiction issues. My mum kept wanting to ask me about the whys and the hows, and she wanted me to help her understand her emotions around it. I told her that I couldn't take that on, that she needed to find someone else to talk to about this, and she needed to figure out how to deal with her emotions around it. I can't fix that for her, and I can't help her deal with emotions about me and my actions.

 

[Darkness Shines]

I want someone to be compassionate, to understand, and to not pass judgement on me. if that is offered to me, i won't feel the need to lie about it.

That's it exactly. I understand why my husband gets upset, but his over-the-top reactions make it all 1000x worse.

I did find someone who would understand and not pass judgment to talk with, though. My brother. Because he's been doing it too for a year (I just found this out a few hours ago).

Yeah, this is my life. :confused::mad::(

 

[snugglepuss]

Oh dear. Don't know if you accept hugs, but if you do *hugs*

What kind of support system does your husband have for himself? I told my mum she needed to go and find a therapist of her own, cuz I couldn't be that for her.

I am a secret cutter for sure now. I used to cut pretty much exclusively on my left arm, then did a few on my right arm about 4 years ago. Now it is only on my stomach. I struggle so hard with the need to cut on my arms though.

It is really nice to be able to talk about this on here. I don't have any real support network, so I keep all this in. It really festers and grows into something much larger than it should be.

 

[Darkness Shines]

Oh dear. Don't know if you accept hugs, but if you do *hugs*

I always accept hugs. ;) Thanks, snuggle.

 

[Philippa]

Sethe, that is probably a part of why you pull your hair.

I have some other oddities that I do instead of cutting. I am really bad in terms of "picking", as well as being attached to tweezers. I will tweeze hair on my legs, arms, where ever...

Never admitted that one out loud before. *waiting for people to comment on what a weirdo i am*

I do the tweezer thing...but I've never cut myself. The fellow that I can't seem to leave has cut himself...I'm sure of it. There are cut marks all over his arms, but he lies about how they got there...even though he knows that I know he has ptsd, and was molested as a child, I'm almost 100% sure he used to cut himself!

I tweeze my moustache hairs:eek:

 

[Heather]

Yesterday - we finally put away our christmas tree and as I was putting it back into the box the metal part slipped and cut my wrist

. It hurt but felt oh soooo good. my therapist said I could call him back yesterday maybe I should have.

 

[Marie E.]

Please take care of yourself Heather

 

[babaginge]

How are you right now? I know you don't know me but I am here if you need to talk it out.