General Urgent Need of Advice - Boyfriend Has Cut Contact With Me

[Myaleah22]

anthony

Hey! Yah I know. I have known him forever and he has never been a cheater. He is actually one of the few men I know who is the one who was cheated on alot. Not that he cant change but I dont get that thats what he is about. He is a sgt in charge of his unit. In a war zone in Iraq rt now so I dont see that as his goals but I have assured him that I am sticking by my committment to him and not going to be with anyone else and that I am waiting for him so he knows where I stand committment wise. Ugh I dont even want to worry about him cheating. He would totally be a diff person if he began doing that andnot to mention he is so serious about his position. I pray not. When he has been attacked and going through alot I dont want to say "hey dont cheat on me".....it will probably make him more upset and stressed. We had discussed it jokingly in Sept. and he told me I should never worry about him doing that to me, that he would NEVER do that and that its not who he is so I dont know what else to do.....I want like to trust he is going throguh alot and would not change his entire character.

 

[anthony]

I cannot say what he will or won't do, but I am only telling you these things to pre-warn you of what could be coming, is likely coming. Yes, I agree that if you face him with some things before even suspecting them, that will push him to do them most likely. So totally agreed there. I can only say that you don't seem to think his entire personality will change because of this.... let me tell you it will. Mine did, and all those I know with PTSD are nothing like what they used to be prior to trauma. Not a one of them. If he heals over years, then yes he can regain some of his personality and traits, he will be similar to what he once was, though will never be the same even after healing. He will be a newer version, hopefully more improved in some areas, though he will be weaker in others.

I once used to be the rock, the one those around me panicked and came to me. I was the one who doesn't panic, who can rationalize under extreme stress and chaos. Now though, whilst I can still do that, afterwards I would be ill for some time. I would have to smoke and drink merely to cope with it to begin with. I would be quite angry and aggressive to anyone who came near me afterwards, and even then medication wouldn't come close to fixing any off it. He will be different, he will suffer and be extreme during his uncontrolled period of learning what is wrong and that he must act on fixing himself as nobody else can do this for him. He must learn these things, he must first experience them to learn what he does and does not want to be.

Unfortunately there is no time limit, nor amount of suffering or hurt he will inflict on those he loves most before he realises these facts. Some commit suicide whether directly or indirectly before ever realizing they can heal and learn to control their lifestyle once again. Some are destructive for decades, some only years, some maybe only months before realizing they need to seriously work on themselves and have constant professional help. There simply isn't any benchmark you can gauge this from, and its all going to be unique for him and yourself and anyone else in his life. It is merely best you know and understand these things now so your not going to be as shocked when reality hits you.

 

[Myaleah22]

hi again

Ok. Well thank you for the warning. Last time he got back he had begun smoking but he had never gotten into drinking or drugs. I am going to look for these things and pray he pulls through without these things. He told me he changed in his attitude last time but eventually came back to himself. I would never think he would do those things, knowing the kind of man he is and how ethical and serious about his job he is but I hear you and will def be looking out. Is there anything that i can say to help him from turning those ways besides showing love as I have been?

 

[anthony]

All you can do is ensure you do not allow him to begin treating you like a doormat, purely as a consequence of him not being capable of knowing what is going on within him. If he begins this, just love him, just not allow him to walk all over you. If you allow that, it will become habit to him and not help him, nor you. Learn the warnings and that may help you better help both himself and yourself.

 

[Tammy]

Very good advice Anthony! I fully agree. And at the PTSD course in the women's sessions we were told one important lesson that I remember over all... PTSD is no excuse for bad behaviour...
Tammy

 

[Nicolette]

And at the PTSD course in the women's sessions we were told one important lesson that I remember over all... PTSD is no excuse for bad behaviour...

I haven't been to any PTSD course but IMHO there is no excuse for bad behaviour.

The minimum I expect is that my partner has enough respect for me to NOT treat me badly. If he doesn't well, see you later as I deserve better than that.

 

[Myaleah22]

hey

I agree. Well thus far he has NEVER done anything to hurt me until this whole not talking thing. He has never been that way but I will look out for it you know? I hope it never happens.

 

[Myaleah22]

hello

I kind of feel like a doormat now that I am being so loving and he has cut communication, yet he reads my mail and responds to others even briefly but then I think he may have goine through something and thinks it is best for me....I dont know. A couple of my friends who have been there say alot of soldiers try to protect the people they love most by cutting contact in case something happens to them. I dont get that but thats just something I have heard. All of this started with his anxiety though. Thanks you guys.

 

[Kathy]

Myaleah why not take a break at the moment for yourself as well? It is very good to work these things out for yourself, well done. However you seem to be worrying quite a bit about what he is doing and thinking and so on. Carers also need a break, for our own mental health and happiness. Why not do something fun for yourself, with friends, or with your child (I believe I read you have a child?), go on an outing, buy yourself a gift, or whatever you are able to do. It can be tricky, however also important to not allow everything to revolve around the PTSD sufferer. You count too, and you deserve happiness.

 

[Myaleah22]

thank you

I appreciate that. I have been spending alot of time with my son and taking care of him and also been going out with old friends from school some weekends to keep busy but he is always on my mind.....I wish not, lol

 

[anthony]

Yes, it is hard for a soldier to be away and have contact with their loved ones, purely because they miss them so much and those feeling often interrupt their own personal approach within such an operational environment. Trust me, first hand experience. I hated having to speak with family so far away, because it messed with me which I could not focus purely on the job and situation at hand. I wanted to get home in one piece, though by doing so you also risk losing what you have at home at the same time. No win as far as he will see it in his mind.

 

[Myaleah22]

hey

Yah I noticed that sometimes he would be like I need to sleep and wnated to get off quick and other times he was in better moods and wanted to chat and use the webcams. What I wonder is why is he talking to everyone, as minimal as he is and even though its short but not writing me a word. He reads them and leaves my comments but is almost trying to erase me from his mind, like when he moced my pics off his page and moved me off his top friends. I want to understand but it was not like him and so hurtful I just can't believe he hasnt said a word to me in almost 8 weeks. Did you pic one person to push completely away? The weird thing is that when I said, you are coming home for 18 days in Jan, we were supposed to be together...he was like"Oh well we can still spend time together" and he said he loved me too so to me, normally actions speak louder than words and he isnt acting like he loves me. He wrote our mutual friend back when she asked about his work but it was quick and then when she wrote him back and made comments about how great it was he and I found each other and how she can't wait to see us at our reunion he didnt write back again. It is like anything emotional or relationship wise he shuts off....