General Urgent Need of Advice - Boyfriend Has Cut Contact With Me

[Myaleah22]

thank you

Ok. Thanks...thats really the problem is he isnt speaking and its been 6 weeks. I suppose all I can do is be here and make sure he knows I havent gone anywhere and I love him. I only say he has PTSD because he mentioned to me that he thought he had it before he left when he was breaking down, still obviously affected from the first deployment and just from reading symptoms, although the only drug he has ever tried is cigarette's. I am just worried about his safety and life. I do appreciate the help.

 

[batgirl]

Myaleah, I am Kathy's daughter, I'm 24 and I have PTSD. I've been reading yours and some other's threads in here and I wanted to comment. As everyone has said there's no way to know if your boyfriend has PTSD or not unless he gets evaluated and gets a diagnosis. But I do know, if he does have PTSD and is obviously not in treatment yet, any kind of relationship you have with him is going to be very up and down, and very difficult for you. I know because before I started working on my issues, I had a hard time being with anyone, family or friends. I avoided my family a lot. I could only stand so much attention, even if it was positive attention. Even now I have trouble if friends email me too much even, or if my family talks to me too much, and so on. Sometimes I am just so stressed and tired and I need to be alone. If people bother me when I'm in that state, I get really agitated and try to avoid them even more. I've actually stopped being friends with people before, when they've pushed me too hard, asked me too many questions, wanted to talk too often and so on. I've blocked tons of people from MSN, facebook, etc... because I just couldn't stand them contacting me all the time. I stopped being friends with lots of people without any explanation, even good friends, and ended up really hurting them.

I'm not saying what I did was right, but at the time, my PTSD was unmanaged and honestly, all I could think of was, what can I do that causes me the least amount of pain? Because PTSD is really painful. You're in a constant state of stress. Anything you can do to lessen the stress, you will do, even if that means avoiding people who care. It sounds selfish maybe, but think about times when you've been really sick. Do you want another people around you, or do you want to be left alone? PTSD is a sickness, and sometimes you feel worse than other times.

If your boyfriend does have PTSD, it's up to him to get the help he needs. You can be there for him but he has to do the work. He will get better if he works on himself but it's long process. Anyways I just wanted to share that with you, I know we aren't easy people to get along with. Hope things get better for you and your boyfriend.

 

[nyc]

this is extremely useful information- thanks for sharing- I have similar concerns with my friend

 

[Kathy]

Very well shared Evie. I wish you and the other sufferers would share more often, as you often have very insightful things to say!

 

[Myaleah22]

Thank you Evie

Yes. I appreciate that. Do you mind my asking if you experienced the same things (maybe not exactly but you know) where my BF was one day saying he is finally glad he found the right person and how blessed he is and how much he loves me and wants me to move with him when he comes back and then suddenly drops to I think we need a break. i need to think abotu my life. Like, did you go from one extreme to another. To me it feels like something big or traumatic must have triggered this and as I said he is reading my messages and leaving my love comments up on his myspace but not writing back yet. I sent him a 2 ft christmas tree for his trailer and ornaments and christmas cookies I baked. He is normally a very sentimental and extremely loving man and he is almost shut off it seems. Its like he is someone else....He has an 18 day leave coming in January but I am scared for him to return after that with his actions showing he is not healthy emotionally. I am scared he wont see me and talk to me about it but I keep reassuring him I love him and am here and I cant wait tosee him, hoping with how serious we were he will not beable to be 10 min from me and come by. I so appreciate any perspective from someone with this disorder I can get so thank you....

 

[becvan]

Okay wait..

He's asked you for space and needs a break.. so you send him "love" messages, x-mas trees and baked goods.

Well.. if he has PTSD... you just ensured he's going to avoid you as you've now shown him you don't respect his boundaries. If he doesn't have PTSD, still the same scenario.

Whether or not he has this disorder, your not showing him any respect at all by doing this.

Secondly, even if he has PTSD, that doesn't mean it even factors into breaking up with someone. For some reason.. many carers seem to think that since we have PTSD, we can't make a decision. This is a possibility that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship for any number of reasons.

Thirdly, we don't have to experience something traumatic to have a mood swing or change are minds.

This man is in a war zone right? It doesn't take much tv to watch to realize how bad it is over there. Maybe truly.. he just needs some space.

Sorry if this sounds mean.. but really.. there are more options than just PTSD here.

bec

 

[vera]

how much he loves me and wants me to move with him when he comes back and then suddenly drops to I think we need a break.

people (with or without ptsd) sometimes get scared taking that kind of decision, and change their minds. it could be that. it could be almost anything!

what i'm trying to say here is that you won't know unless he speaks to you, and he might not speak to you unless you stop sending trees.

it's easy for people to think that we do what we do because we're scarred and scared. but sometimes it's not that we're running because of out traumas, it's just that we realize we want something else for us.

anyway, i wish you the best and hope he talks to you soon.

 

[Deleted member 93]

OK, I hope being a person with PTSD I can add my 2 cents. I think it is nice everyone is trying to be nice and supportive. Now can we just get blunt? Having PTSD does not mean you cannot think for yourself and lose the ability to make a choice about relationships. This is with PTSD. What you describe is not PTSD. It is stress. You mention him having anxiety about going to Iraq. Who would not have anxiety and some symptoms of stress if they are even half way in their right mind? I mean this is human, not an illness! He may be the majority who is not made permanently ill.

Now that said... You really sound from what you describe yourself as is pestering the heck out of him. Really, think about it. I mean being in love is great, but the guy is in Iraq. He has bigger fish to fry right now. I would say he is being a butt head but he is not home, he is in a war zone!

Some guys are a pain. Lots of men and women change their minds. They avoid the ex. The ex does not get a clue. If he said that "if he gets distant and does this to hang on"... I do not see a sick guy. I see a typical guy. I do not want you but I do not want anyone to have you either! This is a common game many non PTSD people do. I won't say mentally healthy as many people who do not have this are still not in a good spot in their own head.

What I see is low self esteem on your side and him being a typical guy on one hand and on the other a normal human at war time who really does not need a clingy person. He has to worry about himself right now. And he should, he deserves that if that is what he needs as he is doing a helluva hard job right now. I just do not see PTSD anywhere in what you describe, just normal reactions. Sorry, but I did not see anyone being as blunt about it as I thought they should be.

While people think us with this are not there mentally, we are not beyond thinking for ourself and making choices, if he even has this, which I do not see you describing at all honestly.

 

[Myaleah22]

to the last few posts

I appreciate all the advice, harsh and not. To defend him, he wasnt saying like I dont want anyone else to have you so stick by me. He was with me after having severe anxieties not just stress but severe break downs, that he wanted to make sure I knew that last time he was there it changed him, which his family had said as well and that if he ever showed the same sympotms, withdrawing, becoming depressed and getting cold emotionally ect to stick by him for when he gets home he will get help and come back like he did last time. I am aware he can make a decision an someone can change their minds but this was not something like, yah I just dont know anymore. it was like I love you and I want to be together forever and then a sudden cut. I sent him the christmas stuff to make sure he knows I love him, as I had spoken to 2 of my friends who returned from Iraq and both had said I need to be there for him because if he has anxieties and is depressed then I dont want to leave him alone in his depression and for him to ever start coming out and think everyone left him. I am going to try to not write him as much and see but we have been close friends since were young and its not just me. His best guy friends have written him and tried to talk to him an dhe hasn't written them back either. He only has spoken to his mom but very quickly and she said he was different and was short. I am not trying to pester him. I only want to help him because rt before this happened he had told me that it helps him through to get my packages and my comments and such. Some say give him space and other troops have said dont leave him alone because of his mental state. I have seen him in "anxiety breakdown" and it was def not just stress but like he was not here. He needs help and I feel helpless and I only doing the best I can. Thank you for the advice.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Bec, Vera and Veiled for your comments in here as well. It is always good to read the perspectives of sufferers. Honestly the issue of break-up PTSD notwithstanding had not occurred to me, however it is a very valid point. A sufferer is of course capable of ending a relationship independently of their illness, people with PTSD are still people after all, and are not mentally incompetent. Many individuals do not know the "correct" way to break up in any event, whether they have PTSD or not. Many are unskilled, selfish, choose the path of least resistance and so on. In any event, I do still believe the heart of the matter to be that this man requires space, whether he is suffering from an illness or not. He has directly asked for it, by saying he needs a break. Myaleah, you have been advised by both carers and sufferers to give him space, yet you have not truly done so, as far as I can see. I see you grasping at straws, and looking for the answer you want to hear, rather than accepting the advice already given. Things will not change nor improve if you do not at least try the advice that has been given to you here.

I have been meaning to write an article on deployment for family members, as I see so many here struggle with deployment and do not seem to know how to relate to a loved one who is on operations. I am living in a crazy house at present, so I have not yet had time to write one personally. However, I did find a decent article to include in the information section:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6234.html[/DLMURL]

 

[Kathy]

To defend him,

Honestly Myaleah, I do not see anyone putting him down here, there is no need to defend him. All people have said is that they are uncertain he has PTSD or not. That is valid, considering he has not yet been diagnosed. Additionally, not all service men who have anxiety whilst deployed develop full blown PTSD. Some develop combat stress, which mimics PTSD in some respects but is not a permanent condition. I have had family members with combat stress, they recover after a few weeks of being home generally.

Some say give him space and other troops have said dont leave him alone because of his mental state.

The point is Myaleah, not what others are saying, but what he is saying. He has asked you for space. Regardless of his reasons, regardless if he has an illness or not, this is not the way to start a longterm relationship with someone. Respect his boundaries.

 

[Myaleah22]

thanks again

I appreciate your thoughts and everyones. I am doing all I can to do what he asked me to do but I am just honestly worried for him there by himself with even just depression and anxiety. I am not for certain he does have PTSD. To be honest I didnt even know what it was. He actually said to me that he thinks he has PTSD before he left and was on meds when he came back last time but I dont recall if he said he was diagnosed, all I know was he had been on meds and has gone through alot. Its not so easy to explain obviously. I guess you have to know him like i know him to know something is very wrong. Luckily I have an idea since as I may have said, I found out there was a big attack on the base (which he had previously felt safer at) on the same day as the day he said we need a break so atleast I can see what may have triggered it. Its not just me he is cold to everyone and not talking to anyone but his mom and is even short with her, so I know he went through something and I am just concerned for his well being. I think he knew what he may do and how he changed before so thats why he warned me and I was basing it on that. But I am going to try the approach of not writing him a while, although I am scared to death because he has never had a time without me writing him and because I promised him to stick by him but I will try anything to help him get through whatever is going on. Thanks alot. God bless...