General Urgent Need of Advice - Boyfriend Has Cut Contact With Me

[Myaleah22]

Oh yah, sorry

I didnt read the one above the last one. I am not totally naive just scared. I am telling you what I have heard from both you all and from people I know who have been there. And in correction as well, I have been doing so (giving him space). I havent written him in a couple days after hearing these comments and am trying to hold off for a while and praying to God he will be ok. Oh and when I said I was defending him I was referring to the comments where the guy was saying that my bf saying he wants me t stick by him if he changed because he would come back around is him saying I dont want you but I dont want anyone else having you. I defended that because I have known him since we were young and he is NOT that kind of man. He is very loving and sincere and considerate and thats why this is so baffling to me and his family, the way he is being. But God bless all those over there. I can only imagine what they are going through.

 

[anthony]

Whilst you say that "he is not like that" and you are basing that off his past, let me assure you now, all that is out the window and you're going to need to differentiate between past and present, because the two are no longer interconnected if he truly does have PTSD. He doesn't care any longer what he used to do, or used to act like, etc. What he will do now will not be rational, he will not be able to understand why he is doing certain things, he will no longer do or act like you knew him too do.

Yes, if you cut communication with him he would take hold of the "I don't want you, though I don't want anyone else to have you either" routine, however; he will not love you in the same way and he will cheat, he will be out, he will be violent and/or emotionally abusive to you. Sorry, but if he has PTSD he is now in a completely different world, all of which has developed within him over a period of years through deployments.

You can no longer apply the past to the present with him, as they will not coincide any longer as you once knew. Sorry, but these are the facts of what your about to experience. He must find himself in order to work out whether he wants to have you as part of his life once again, without abuse and so forth. He will abuse you otherwise, he will mistreat you, he will do all this and more without knowing why. He must go and learn why in order to understand how to fix himself.

 

[Myaleah22]

Hi Anthony

Yah I see what you mean. Someone before me had said that before he left when he told me to stick by him if he changes or becomes distant that he may have been thinking "I dont want you but I dont want anyone else to have you" and I was defending him and saying I know he didnt mean it that way when he said it. I know him very well and before he left when he said that he was trying to prepare me because he knew that the previous deployment had changed him. I dont know as I said if he has PTSD (diagnosed) but I know he has never once mistreated me. Even on his last one when all that damage was done emotionally, everyone who was around him then said he changed and was distant but didnt abuse or anything like that. He has never been a cheating, abusive man even ater the last deployment. I do need to think of now and not then because I know things change though. All I see him doing as of now is withdrawing. He is working 7 dyas a week, 2 hr days. I have only been sticking by him because his 18 day leave is coming in Jan and because I felt that that warnign he gave me before he left may be coming to reality now and I am trying to keep my committment not to leave him as he asked me too. I just want to do the rt thing and so I guess we will see if me stopping contacting him makes him worse, although I scared of that but we will see. Thanks so much

 

[batgirl]

Its not just me he is cold to everyone and not talking to anyone but his mom and is even short with her

I know you said this in a past thread but I just wanted to comment, I didn't talk to my family at all for 5 years after my trauma. Being short with his mum is really not so surprising to me if he is developing PTSD. I pushed everyone away, the people who were closest to me got pushed the furthest away actually.

 

[Myaleah22]

hello

wow. 5 years, thats a long time! I just pray to God he comes back to hmself and goes to counseling ect. As I said, last time they said he withdrew but wasn't in a loving relationship like he is now and he was back to himself besides some anxiety and probably dreams here and there, until they said he was going back, in which I saw him breakdown alot with me before leaving to go back so anything could have triggered a change again and a pushing back of loved ones. He is keeping in contact with his family though, unlike me and his friends here (but we have mutual friends so he may be avoiding the emotional topics). But he is just not real talkative with his family. I can tell they are confused and in the dark too. I think its been like, I am ok, how is everyone? I am fine, love you...you know? So I am just trying to have faith he will pull through again but I know the more traumatic experiences can make the recovery longer and longer......thank you.

 

[ryair]

Anthony, truer words were never spoken.......

 

[nyc]

as a carer- who has been shut out regularly - it's good to hear the harsh reality and the truth. unfortunately, i canrelate to what anthony has written. i think it's time (for me) to cut my losses. i appreciate everyone's honesty. good luck with your decisions myaleah.

 

[Tammy]

I just wanted to say Myleah (sorry if that is spelt wrong) that you seem to be defending yourself more than you are defending him IMO. You say that you won't really cut ties completely because he told you not to; seems to me that you are giving us an excuse not to cut ties, especially after he told you he needed his own time/space. What Anthony says is very true in that he is definitely not the same as he was then.
If you want people's advice and everyone is telling you the same thing, then why aren't you following it. DOn't get me wrong, I now it must be hard especially with him being in such a dangerous place and so far away. I think it is actually harder for you to cut ties with him then it was for him to ask you.
In my experience, when my partner asks for his space and I give it to him, for however long, he will usually come back. However, we have had some really big problems at the times when I have not respected his wishes, as it makes him feel as though I am undermining his ablity to know what he needs and wants.
Just a thought...
Tammy

 

[batgirl]

I agree with Anthony as well, we are different after the trauma. Completely! To the point where I personally am struggling to let go of who I was before the trauma, because I am never going to be that person again. PTSD is permanent, and it changes your personality.

And that is such a good point Tammy, about undermining your partner's abilities. I don't have a partner, but if my parents and family do too much for me or don't respect my boundaries in various ways, not only do I feel like withdrawing... but as you say I feel like they think I'm incompetent. Like I'm retarded or something and can't make my own decisions. It's condescending and patronizing.

 

[anthony]

Very excellent point Tammy, well said. I know that I do not like someone going around me when ill, as whilst I may be ill I still know what I am doing and I know what is best for me 99% of the time, compared to someone trying to tell or force me too what they believe is best. PTSD just doesn't operate anything close to what some may classify as "normal" behaviour.

 

[Myaleah22]

Thanks Tammy and everyone

I appreciate your opinions and all the advice. As I said, I have followed the advice to give him space. I haven't written him in a few days since reading these different views. I am going to try what you all say but its going to be really hard for me. I am not defending myself, as I havent done anything to defend but try to love my BF and my best friend as best I can and try to do what he asked. I won't cut ties as I promised him, I am sticking by him but I am giving the space and seeing what happens. Yes he told me if he changes like he did last time, withdrawls or becomes distant for me to stick by him, but as I begin to not contact him and see what happens, I feel confident in alot of ways, as I have made sure he knows many times since all this happened that I love him, that I always will, that I am not going anywhere and that I was writing him to keep the committment of what I had promised him. We will see what happens and I will update you. Thanks again :)

 

[anthony]

That sounds quite sensible Myaleah. Well done. I would only add this; in that if he thinks this means that he can now go and cheat, do whatever he wants and thinks you will just be there for him to fall upon, to use you as a doormat, you need to identify and ensure this does not occur nor every allow him to treat you this way. He will now if allowed, trust me on that one.