Victim Blaming

[CrazyHorse]

Dear fellow PTSD sufferes, I am in need of some advice!

I find my self in a severe case of victim blaming. I thought it was over. I had cut off all my old 'friends' from my life, but it has not been possible for me to cut out all links to those old friends who took sides with my rapist. (My mother lives on the same small Island where the rape took place, my partner has a childhood best friend who still knows some of the 'friends' I had to cut off.) I am (and my partner too) from a very small community where everybody knows everybody).

I have succesfully avoided those people for some years now. It has been four years since I was raped, and I was finally starting to see some positive progress with regard to my trauma and PTSD. I have worked so very hard at it. but this weekend it hit me like a ton of briks: It came to my attention that the old friends (one in particular) is now the head of a victim blame campagin against me. He is making up lies about me and my character, and has been aiming the slander at my partner. My biggest support and safety.

This is what he said: I have always been a wild girl and somewhat 'slutty'. I was never raped. I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend (I had a boyfriend at the time I was raped) and claimed rape to cover up my cheating. I have had sex with the man wo raped me several time in the past, and I was seen skinny dippin with him the night of the rape.

NONE of this is true, but even IF I had been skinny dippin or had sex with him in the past, it has NOTHING to do with what happend that night. I was drunk, yes, so drunk that I could not defend my self and he raped me because of it. Because he could.

I am in such a turmoil right now. I did not expect any of this, and My PTSD symptoms are fully back on. I feel re-traumatized. The emotional flashbacks are tormenting me.

What do I do? Should I stand up for my self and grant this victim blaming person a response? I am so sick of defending my trauma over and over, but I am also sick of always just turning the other cheek, get over it, let it go etc., but I also fear that engaging in some sort of self-defense against the victim blaming campaign will worsen my symptoms.

What do you guys think would be wise?

 

[rightkindofme]

I tend to hysterically defend myself. Sometimes this kind of works and sometimes it blows up in my face. I can't turn the other cheek. I don't have one left to turn.

 

[arfie]

Sure sounds like what we used to call, "gossip." I ran away from small towns to the cities for this very reason. My parents moved from small town to small town when I was a kid. Still haven't learned to stay in one place, but small towns still scare me. Didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Seems folks everywhere enjoy gossip. Even catch myself at it from time to time. City gossip is easier to escape, but just as vivacious.

Personally, I believe defending against gossip just throws gas on the fire. It only adds to the drama. I keep my focus on healing and trust that the gossip headlines will change soon enough.

Just me. Hope you find yours, Crazy Horse.

 

[CrazyHorse]

This is more than 'just' gossip. It is victim blaming and victim shaming. The headlines have gotten worse and worse with time. This kind of behaviour apologizes rapists.

 

[Whitneys story]

JMHO, We live in a cruel world. If you respond you are reacting to them. You know the truth and that is what is important. They are not worthy of a response.

What goes around comes around and will get them. You do not owe them anything. Please take care of yourself.

I am sorry you are re-traumatized. Do you have a therapist? Use your energy for your healing! I wish you the best on your journey. Whitney

 

[ronin47]

Dear, just leave it alone. Don't say anything in response and eventually the fire will burn itself out. Blaming you could just be their own way of coping. Disdain is easier than grief. As you said, it is a small community, and maybe they are just not able to come to grips with the fact that someone in their cozy little town is guilty of such a heinous crime. Could be denial, could be misplaced anger, who knows. In any case, it's their responsibility to deal with their own emotional reactions to this situation, not yours. You are not responsible for creating this "campaign" of victim bashing, so how can you hold yourself responsible for eliminating it? If you know that nothing you did made what your attacker did any less wrong, then you don't need validation from anyone else. I know it's easier said than done, but just do your best to ignore it and let them take responsibility for their own actions and feelings.

 

[Padfoot]

Small town mentality. Yes it's gossip, but it's taking it to the extreme and throwing in victim blaming with it. It's the harmful type of gossip that turns the victims into the bad guys. It's not ok. It's also slander, and you could possily take it further legally if you wanted to look into it.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you for all your replies!

Just to clarify, this does not bother me because I live in a small town. I do not. I live in the capital of Denmark, and I do not believe that victim blaming is isolated to small communities. I was just pointing out why I could not escape the links from the past entierly.
Eventhough I am the target in this situation, this happens over and over to other victims of sexual assult, and if we all keep silent in order to not adding fuel on the fire, I get this creepy notion that I am somehow sending a signal that victim blaming and rape culture are tolerable.

Padfoot, Thank you for understanding the seriousness in this!

 

[Philippa]

Anyone who believes him isn't your friend anyway, so don't worry what people like that think. You have your solid rock, that's all that matters. As long as your boyfriend believes you, the others don't count.

I had the same thinking as you a few months back when a manager from where I used to work started a smear campaign against me, and told people I violently assaulted her, when I didn't touch her. No one believed her, except her friends, who were as f*cked up as she was. I live in a city, so a few people spouting crap about me and thinking they have the power to ruin me with a lie isn't going to do anything except burn out if no one pays them any attention or believes their crap. It just becomes another bit of crap that people like to feed off for the day, and then they move on to juicier gossip. People are shit.

I went to police, I went to legal aid, and no one was willing to help me. It would have cost me a small fortune to afford a lawyer, and I didn't have enough money for rent at the time, let alone to pay for that. Instead I dobbed her into the tax department...anonymously of course. People who spread lies about others and gossip are usually the first to be concerned about who is talking about them behind their backs. You could always start a rumor about them yourself, though that would be a bit petty.

I'm always the first to encourage not letting someone get away with it, I guess in this case you have to decide if it's worth your time and energy, and money if you decide to take it further...which you are entitled to. He definitely slandered your name, and that is an offence. I can see how hurtful it would be to be on the receiving end of that sort of gossip though. I'm pretty sure my brother didn't believe me when I was sexually assaulted. My father basically told me that I was at fault.

It's up to you I guess. I did not have the resources for it at the time, and given my knowledge of this woman, she wouldn't have paid anyway...she has not paid fines that judges have demanded she pay in the past, and she will do it again, 'cos that's the sort of person she is. People who put out bad energy and talk shit about others are usually the ones who cry like little babies when it comes back to them and someone tells lies about things they did or didn't do. I'm sure cause and effect will hit this guy at some point.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

if we all keep silent in order to not adding fuel on the fire, I get this creepy notion that I am somehow sending a signal that victim blaming and rape culture are tolerable.

I agree, I don't know what to do or how prevent/stop and re-educate, but I do most certainly agree.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thanks, Kas_Can_Fly!

I don't know either, but what I have decided to to about my situation, is that I have sent the former 'friend' an educational video on victim blaming by 'Project Unspoken'. Maybe he will discover that he is not alone in this (pun intended:-), that the discourse around victim blaming is not something he invented, and does not apply to my case alone. All around the world, the same victim blaming tactics are used, and it invalidates survivors, protects rapists and it needs to stop!

Maybe he will think twice, maybe he won't, but it matters to me that I have found a way to at least do 'something' and I feel I have defended myself (and maybe others) without having gone into 'defense'!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Congratulations and well done, that is better than anything I could have thought of! *Safe hugs if wanted* :)