Relationship Waiting

[Army_Brat_88]

If I can interject here:

I'm not speaking for everyone, just myself:

I think the basic problem is, from a non PTSD point of view is that it's almost rude to not respond back to someone. We can't help but take offense when someone doesn't reply back to us, because we are in a world of common decency (what seems to be left of it), that when someone contacts you, you get back to them. Sure, doesn't have to be in the next 5 minutes, but the "normal" people can't imagine how a person just can *NOT* do it in a timely fashion.

To me, it's damned near impossible to not walk on eggshells if you have someone with PTSD in your life. I absolutely do not see it being possible to NOT feel that way, no matter how long you are with that person - always afraid to say mention something that might trigger it. I have those moments with someone I've known for 15+ years who has all the PTSD symptoms but I never put 2 and 2 together until I've now been learning about PTSD. I can say something and all of a sudden not get an email back for 2 weeks, and sure enough he'll allude to something I said which pissed him off and he admits he went into one of his "downward spiral moods".

Flo - I know how you feel. 2 weeks ago I had been texted that I wasn't giving the time requested, and because I'd had enough I said they could take all the time that they wanted because I no longer gave a :poop:. Harsh? Yep. But I wasn't going to apologize because I've done nothing wrong, only cared - too much obviously. So I've left that as our last conversation - and will until he contacts me, if he ever does, because I just can NOT get worked up about it anymore.

But I'll be completely honest and say that I have absolutely NO clue how people can say "I'm in it for the long haul no matter what", yet not take those times of non response or being pushed away personally at all. Is that really possible? Personally, it offends me. It really does. I'm sorry if that's terrible, but I need to say it - it DOES offend me. It DOES hurt my feelings, and I feel by saying "He'll ride it out, and it'll be ok" is excusing that behavior, even when we read the advice of "don't excuse certain behaviors". We read that there are to be "boundaries", but what about those who's relationships are new? If you're with someone for years and years who is getting help, alright, boundaries are easy, but not new relationships where you're still getting to know someone. I do get offended, and it's what helped me to say "I'm walking away from this 'relationship' for good." Because I would never stay with this man who's cut himself off from me for 7 months. Ever. I know how cold it sounds, but in his state of mind it doesn't even mean anything to him anyway, so no harm no foul I feel.

It shows me that for all the stuff I've read on this topic, I'm still at a stage of where I know nothing!!!!

 

[Aunt Flo]

Here we go again. I now tell him I love him too often. So now I have to suppress my feelings. I said I would slow right down but wanted to lnow if we were ok, to which he said we are. I gave him his space and have asked if we can meet up this week, and am not getting a straight answer. So I tell him I'm going to bed, to which he replied, have I got the hump! I said no, I was tired and needed my sleep. I am still here waiting tho.....

He really doesnt get the fact that I am sticking with him and supporting him, but I need reassuring now and again that all is ok with us, as its early days in our relationship, and already it is a rollercoaster. I guess the fact he hasnt said that's it, should give me some hope.

Feeling just abit low tonight and struggling to sleep....

 

[KK3966]

Aunt Flo, is your boyfriend getting any help for his ptsd?

 

[Aunt Flo]

Hi KK3966

Yes he is - he was diagnosed around 6 years ago, but unfortunately suffers the dreaded 'triggers' at times and just needs that little bit of extra support from the professionals to help him deal with them.

I am trying not to take it personally, really I am. I just find with my insecurities I lose sight of how he is feeling, and vice versa. We are trying to support each other and having spoken to him again this morning, I am hopeful we will get through this. I just need to know the boundaries, which I am learning from speaking to people on this fantastic forum. I am so glad I found this place to get advice and/or to vent off, instead of letting it eat away at me.

 

[Nicolette]

Here we go again.

Sadly I have to say I get the impression you have no idea of how hard and lonely this can be.

I cannot stress enough that you seek help for yourself and your admitted dependency as wanting constant reassurance with PTSD is very unlikely in the early stages of a relationship. It takes years of working together, them working on themselves, you on you and communicating some reasonable boundaries.

Aunt Flo if someone doesn't know which way is up they don't have the capacity to re-assure and support you in the midst of this. When they are well it is different but I note you have brought up the need for assurance more than once. You need to see if this relationship can meet your needs as just standing by someone does not mean they can do the same for you in the way you do for them. :(

 

[Aunt Flo]

Hi Nicolette

It was very early in the morning when I wrote this and I felt very weary and tired. Perhaps that was the wrong choice of words.

I know I have alot to learn and I can only do this by getting the help and support from people like yourself, for which I am extremely grateful. He has assured me on more than one occasion, and likewise he has sought assurance from me that I won't walk away from him.

You are absolutely right that it will take time and I really need to know the boundaries, again its a learning curve but I am learning quickly. I really do appreciate your comments and am taking the advice seriously.

 

[LoyalOne]

Heya, Flo.

That's part of the nature of the thing, I am afraid - he will possibly need tons of reassurance, due to his low opinion of himself, but you can't expect it back. You have to draw your own power from yourself and from the people around you who have the capacity to give, and love him on his terms, with respect to emotional support, until he works some stuff out.

 

[May1321]

I started to say this in another thread but thought it probably was more appropriate here...

I've heard someone say on here, "but what if he comes back after I've moved on?" Oooooh, I've asked that question because I've had it happen in the past. I've even had it happen since my sufferer and I started dating... Twice!! So when my sufferer/boyfriend decided to disappear the first time, I decided (for myself) to give it a few more months of me being 'single'. It was sort of waiting for him but in my mind, it was to take the time to heal what was not even in the time before I started dating him. If he wasn't going to come back, I sure as hell didn't want to go through my emotions with something new and more than likely artificial again as I suffered from some sort of anxiety disorder and depression (insecurity) from my past relationship(s). The other thing I didn't want to do was add another suiter to my list, for multiple reasons but mostly personal. I don't want to date to date... I want something that has depth and width to it... a full on working for the better relationship. Whether it's forever, or not, I cannot say but I would like to hope for that in a relationship.

Moving on for me would've been additional blows to my esteem which was again something I wanted to heal within myself, as well as, understandably, a trust thing between my sufferer and I. He told me to move on... obviously, though he hasn't admitted it, because he was sort of moving on with another girl (or more) in mind during that time but still keeping me in his back pocket. Did anything happen between them? No, not physically... but the intent was there and I think he still feels guilty about that now, too. I personally didn't want to lose his trust, or stoop to that level as I have in the past and no matter when, you're going to get closure and better sooner than later.

I was at a point in this "waiting" and "single time" where I was starting to take the steps towards closure between him and I. It was mother's day weekend. I packed up the rest of his things, our memories, etc., wrote him a letter and basically said my good-bye. I had given him his time and was well into my own healing that it was time.... The result is he chose to come back to me.

It hasn't been very easy at all. Would I tolerate that behaviour again? No. Absolutely not. In fact, when he tried to pull away this last time I did tell him "Fine, have a nice life. Please do not contact me anymore." And his tune changed very quickly.

I admit, I didn't last very long that time but the more I scar over the past hurt and even present hurt when his supposed "PTSD related" symptoms set in, the more I get pushed away...

I think if I hadn't sought help for myself, I would instead become more dependent on him and his yo-yo. But I have clearly communicated with him that I won't tolerate that sort of treatment and am willing to work with him as he ventures through this but he has to show signs he's working on it and not make excuses. He has to be honest with me.

I guess in short... if you are "waiting"... be sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Possibly not even exactly "waiting" because you can't know this timeline. If they aren't talking to you, work on accepting that it is probably over. I speak primarily for all of those girls that are just "dating" their guys. It is not easy to be the one dangling on the string of PTSD. Work on yourself... don't rush into something new because THAT WILL NOT heal your hurts. Trust me there... It is not fair to the new guy, it is not fair to you, and if your sufferer is true and just taking a leave of absence, he at least deserves some time and patience before you move on as a huge part of their issues are usually related to "trust". Don't be that girl (or guy). Focus on YOU for a little while. Fall in love with YOU again. Build your boundaries from your insides out and apply them to EVERYONE. That is the only way I think anyone can survive relationships with anyone and this life.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Great post May :tup:

 

[KK3966]

I feel for you Aunt Flo. I try to be supportive. I try to educate myself. I put a LOT of energy into it. As a supporter, I'm just venting. It's not that I don't feel for him. It's not that I don't love him. It's not that I don't try to understand what he's going through to the very best of my ability. It's that sometimes.. I'm simply exhausted. I feel like a worn out rag doll that someone tossed on the side of the road. And it's really nice to be able to vent...ah. ;)

 

[KK3966]

and holy smokes, I am insecure a LOT. It's pretty bad. I think from past liar/cheaters, his behavior, his attachment issues, lack of communication. Lots of things. I gotta stop, think.. and talk myself out of it a lot. I force myself to not text. I force myself to not bring certain things up. I force myself not to verify his whereabouts, etc. It's hell sometimes.

 

[Nicolette]

Aunt Flo..... You have to ask yourself one simple question - if you took PTSD out if the occasion would you accept the same terms you are living by?

Are you making allowances to what you would normally accept as if you are you are only short changing yourself. PTSD Sufferers need support but not to the extent where you are not being you & regularly unhappy.