What Did You Need To Hear As A Kid But Never Did?

[Justmehere]

This is a very jumbled up post, and I’m not sure where to put it. (Mods - please move this where it fits the best if needed.)

I’m upset about having to re-visit an event where the police mishandled being assaulted. It’s a long story as to why I have to re-visit it right now, or sometime in the near future.

All the grounding and coping skills are not working very well… My therapist suggested that the part of me that wants to just work through it needs to find a place of agreement with the part of me that doesn’t want to deal with it at all. (I don’t have DID in the sense of distinct personalities – she is talking about more of an internal family systems approach – but it all is kind of the same either way.)

Suddenly, it really hit me that the adult side to me can settle out the issues around dealing with it now, versus later…

But then I become really upset. I feel a lot like I did when I was a little kid and couldn’t be consoled.
I think my inner kid needs me to listen. But I don’t know what she needs to hear.

I am an adult, but I feel like I did as a kid. I feel like the little kid who is being blamed for making her father so angry that he abused her. For some odd reason, the only thing that is really working to calm me down is to think about things that I have told very upset traumatized kids – like actual children I have worked with.

And then I think about what I needed to hear as a kid and never did hear, and I just don’t know what that is.

 

[Justmehere]

If the 8 year old me was right here, I would tell her... It's not your fault dad is mad. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could fix it all. It's going to be safe now. Your mom is not well, it's not your fault she can't be there for you. I'm here. I don't know how to fix all of this, but I am going to do what I can to protect you. It's ok to cry. Everything is going to be ok in the end.

I think this is some of what I needed to hear as a kid, and now.

 

[Fadeaway]

Good job
I love you
I am proud of you
You are wanted
It is going to be ok (If I was sick or hurt)
I understand

I know these things, because it hurt to the very core of my being when I heard other parents say them to other kids.

Your post makes perfect sense to me and didn't seem jumbled at all to me. I do believe we tend to respond to others peoples pain the way we would want someone to respond to us. I think you already figured out how to figure out what you needed to hear as a kid.

What if you had a time machine and wnet back to a time you were hurting as a little kid. What would you say to her? Would you hold her? Give her space? Kneel down and get on eye level with her? What would you say? Would you tell her it would be ok? Would you try and distract her or get her to laugh? Maybe sing her a favorite song she found comforting?

I have done this myself and found it very helpful because it helped me to pinpoint those unmet needs as a child and understand what I needed to feel better as an adult.

Your second reply came as I was typing mine. I also want to point out that tone of voice and body gestures can be just as important as the words that are said. If someone told you "It is going be ok." In a tone of voice that implied they were annoyed and didn't really want to deal with you, it is going to be much different than if someone said it with loving conviction.

 

[desiderata310]

What did I need to hear as a kid? I love you. You're safe. It's going to be ok. I heard all those things but they weren't true. Words are cheap and meaningless if the person behind them doesn't follow through.

I'm not much help tonight

 

[Fadeaway]

I agree That is why I include tone of voice and body language. I think sincerity was what I was going for. You can tell when someone means it and when they are just doing it for show.

My grandmother was the queen of saying those things in public, but I knew it wasn't really. I got a completely different story at home. While I longed for her to say certain things, I never counted the times she said it in public because it was all for show. All I heard was "Look at me! I am the self sacrificing woman taking in the little girl no one wanted. (neither did she, but she didn't tell other people that only me.) I need to hear more of your praise for making a difference in her life."

 

[Sally sue]

I think for me, I needed to hear "You are perfect just the way you are, and I love you for all your parts. I won't hurt you when you do things wrong, you're only a child and I will help you with love to learn and grow. You are safe with me" ....it makes me sad :sorry:

 

[stuff]

You have every right to exist. You are safe. You are loved. Your body is your own. You are beautiful. It's safe to have fun and express yourself. It's safe to feel happy and excited about things. It's safe to feel and express any emotion you feel. None of this is your fault. No one is going to hurt you anymore.

 

[WillyKat]

"We will take care of you."
"We'll make sure he doesn't hurt you gain, or threaten you, or hurt anyone else?"
"We're sorry we didn't understand what was wrong with you."
"We're sorry we didn't want to understand what was wrong with you."
"We're sorry we found it easier to ignore the possibilities and just hope it all went away."

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I love and accept you as the treasure you are to me.
It is fine to disagree and say no to things you do not like and we can discuss it and come up with a solution for you.
You are beautiful and precious.
I love you so much and so happy that you are in my life.

 

[joeylittle]

Many things along the lines of "you don't have to decide on your own", "no", "it matters to us how you feel", "you are too young to do that/decide that on your own".

One very important one: "we are taking you to the hospital, because something is really wrong".

 

[City Slicker]

The practical things:
"I made you breakfast. Just eat what you want to eat and don't rush, there will be another breakfast, lunch and dinner tomorrow and the day after and the day after that until forever".

The emotional things:
"I know you can't tell, I know they told you not to tell but I will be right here with you"
"If I were to tell you that I love you no matter what, do you know what that means?"
"Take your time, I will still be here."
"I know..., I know..."

 

[Justmehere]

These are so heartbreaking and wonderful to read at the same time. All the things we should of heard, but didn't... but maybe I can learn to say them to myself and hear them now...

I agree That is why I include tone of voice and body language. I think sincerity was what I was going for. You can tell when someone means it and when they are just doing it for show.

I think you make a really great point! Whenever I'm trying to reassure myself, sometimes I am almost mean about it. It's really my mother's voice... you are going to be ok.... ugh.... Time to replace that voice.