Q
questionsaboutrel
Hi all, I'm looking for some advice. I've been with my sufferer on and off for a little over a year. He has been trying to get help since before we met, and it didn't help that besides the events that brought on his PTSD, he had also recently been in an abusive relationship. In terms of my mistakes, I definitely should have done my research on how PTSD affects relationships sooner - I always knew he was diagnosed but thought he would let me know if there was something more important I needed to know.
We fell in love and then, a few months in, there started a pattern. He would suddenly announce he was done with me, often for minor or even no prompting. I would cajole him back, and usually he would be fine within a day or so. But I always reached out, and a lot of times, the next day he would never acknowledge these outbursts. Until I began reading this forum, I didn't realize how common these kinds of periods of isolation were.
When we started to test the idea of further commitment over the summer, things quickly fell apart. A series of actions caused him to continually question my trust and faith. I don't deny that I made mistakes that led to this, although I was faithful and do feel like his reaction has been exacerbated by his PTSD. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster, with him going back and forth rapidly between accepting me in again and sharply pushing me away, with more rage than before. I started to become fearful about engaging, wondering if I was being too pushy. His anger had turned very personal towards me, and while I wanted to preserve my own self-care, I also thought that his behavior indicated that he was more troubled than before and so I wanted to maintain support.
Finally, I thought we were in a better place. We managed to have a really long talk about our relationship and at the end of it, he very specifically turned to me and told me that he wanted me to know that despite the fits and starts, he wanted to try to make things work. It was a sweet moment. The very next day, there was another blowup. At this point, I was weary, and when he asked for a break with no communication, I thought it was a good idea and we set specific terms of when we would talk again. I was really clear at this time to ask him if what he needed was just a break, rather than a breakup. He's done the sudden breakup thing so often that I figured if that's what he wanted, he'd just say that. In a lot of ways, I thought that the fact that he thought it through enough to call it a break and set terms was progress.
Well, the day before we were scheduled to talk, he texted me that he was going to be out of town earlier than expected and wouldn't be able to talk. I decided not to overreact and wished him a good trip, while still saying that I was disappointed that we wouldn't be able to speak. He responded in a kind way before he left. I was confused - on the one hand, he broke the agreement about the break, but on the other hand, he didn't seem angry and had made sure to tell me beforehand and respond to my message back, so it felt like he still wanted to remain in contact.
Therefore, I decided to do what I've always done - reach out. I wrote a lighthearted email to show I cared and stay in touch, indicating specifically that there was no pressure to respond. He responded in a cordial, if distant, way, but as we exchanged a couple of emails back and forth, he soured very quickly. His most recent message said that he doesn't have anything to say to me anymore.
My question to other sufferers and supporters is, how do I respond to this?! On the one hand, I want to give him space if he asks for it. Maybe I shouldn't respond at all? On the other hand, some of his other recent actions (setting the break, telling me he wanted to make it work, responding to my messages, etc.) indicate that he does still want some communication.
What do you tell someone when they say they don't have anything to say to you? How do you both indicate your support and also give space?! I also don't want to enable bad behavior by just pretending.
We fell in love and then, a few months in, there started a pattern. He would suddenly announce he was done with me, often for minor or even no prompting. I would cajole him back, and usually he would be fine within a day or so. But I always reached out, and a lot of times, the next day he would never acknowledge these outbursts. Until I began reading this forum, I didn't realize how common these kinds of periods of isolation were.
When we started to test the idea of further commitment over the summer, things quickly fell apart. A series of actions caused him to continually question my trust and faith. I don't deny that I made mistakes that led to this, although I was faithful and do feel like his reaction has been exacerbated by his PTSD. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster, with him going back and forth rapidly between accepting me in again and sharply pushing me away, with more rage than before. I started to become fearful about engaging, wondering if I was being too pushy. His anger had turned very personal towards me, and while I wanted to preserve my own self-care, I also thought that his behavior indicated that he was more troubled than before and so I wanted to maintain support.
Finally, I thought we were in a better place. We managed to have a really long talk about our relationship and at the end of it, he very specifically turned to me and told me that he wanted me to know that despite the fits and starts, he wanted to try to make things work. It was a sweet moment. The very next day, there was another blowup. At this point, I was weary, and when he asked for a break with no communication, I thought it was a good idea and we set specific terms of when we would talk again. I was really clear at this time to ask him if what he needed was just a break, rather than a breakup. He's done the sudden breakup thing so often that I figured if that's what he wanted, he'd just say that. In a lot of ways, I thought that the fact that he thought it through enough to call it a break and set terms was progress.
Well, the day before we were scheduled to talk, he texted me that he was going to be out of town earlier than expected and wouldn't be able to talk. I decided not to overreact and wished him a good trip, while still saying that I was disappointed that we wouldn't be able to speak. He responded in a kind way before he left. I was confused - on the one hand, he broke the agreement about the break, but on the other hand, he didn't seem angry and had made sure to tell me beforehand and respond to my message back, so it felt like he still wanted to remain in contact.
Therefore, I decided to do what I've always done - reach out. I wrote a lighthearted email to show I cared and stay in touch, indicating specifically that there was no pressure to respond. He responded in a cordial, if distant, way, but as we exchanged a couple of emails back and forth, he soured very quickly. His most recent message said that he doesn't have anything to say to me anymore.
My question to other sufferers and supporters is, how do I respond to this?! On the one hand, I want to give him space if he asks for it. Maybe I shouldn't respond at all? On the other hand, some of his other recent actions (setting the break, telling me he wanted to make it work, responding to my messages, etc.) indicate that he does still want some communication.
What do you tell someone when they say they don't have anything to say to you? How do you both indicate your support and also give space?! I also don't want to enable bad behavior by just pretending.
