What Do People Say That Helps?

[Neverthesame]

Physically being there, or not?

My guess is, it's probably as hit or miss as words.

I can see myself being cheered up by someone hovering about. I can also see myself being an enormous little black cloud, until the person gets the point and leaves.

Whereas someone on a phone or text, email, or what have you. I could be keen to speak, or just not bother answering.

 

[Jnean]

I think the best approach to actually be there for someone in this situation whether in person or through media is to have empathy. Perhaps knowing when the right time is for a joke. I know that I have helped others find something they have done for somebody else and something they to look forward to. It could be the smallest thing to them but not to me.

 

[Justmehere]

Does it have to be physical presence? What if there is no one there and the reaching out is online or by phone? What helps then?

Someone can very much be present with me through a rough patch online or via phone.

 

[Chincho]

"I care about you and I am here for you." My psychiatrist over the phone. I'm alive today thanks to what she said that night.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

Sometimes people have given me tough love i.e. "pull yourself together" - that one never works for me. Sometimes people have been very soft and sympathetic and reaching out. SYMpathetic words make me feel PAthetic usually. I usually just deflect these with witty humour so they know I'm ok. I've always been a joker but honestly this is just a mask a lot of the time. I laugh so I don't cry. I also know how shitty life can be so I try to spread some laughter - I don't want anyone else to feel how I do.

The words that work are the ones where someone that genuinely knows me and cares for my wellbeing reaches out to me. Usually it is people who care/are concerned/have been keeping an eye on me that pull me aside and call me out on my behaviour and tell me what to do strategically. It's always the right blend of tough love and sympathy. Tough love - they call me out on my shit. Sympathy - they know I'm trying but struggling but just want to see me do ok and offer practical advice.

The words will be different each time, but it's always kind of like a pep-talk. It's a mixture of the words, that tough love and sympathy, and the private pulling-aside "let's have a lil chat" process itself - but without that moment the words are meaningless.

 

[Queen Boudica]

No words, just be there, that's all, if I knew there was just someone who understood and was there. Someone to hold onto. Words are nothing, being there for someone is what counts.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I said I didn't want to exist anymore

Reply was : "I want you to exist"

 

[Tinyflame]

tell me what to do strategically

I like this, because it can be hard to think, or identify what to do. But sometimes one is too low to grasp or maybe execute what to do at that moment too. (JMHThoughts).

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually, JMHO, but I think in retrospect @Lizio has hit on it, there is often talk- even condemnation ('wordswordswords become swordswordswords' like Bernie Siegel said). But rarely presence. Aiding the solution may not be as difficult as it is inconvenient (or, for whatever reasons, rare).

 

[mamachick]

For myself, others guiltying me is the worst. One thing I have discovered going to an ACOA group, even when I haven expressed feelings of suicide but am really low, is when others have stood up for me, and not denied I am wrong at all, but healthily pointed out how cruel family has been to me, that I am stronger than I think, they have said things about others that I have suspected but not said, and that is validating since I have not influenced their opinion. Then it make me think, what if others are sicker than me, and I take my life, It puts a fight back into me to fight for my rights, and that I have a right to peace even if it is never going to happen in my own family.

 

[JohnD]

For me, the only thing I care about is my children. Honestly, if it weren't for them I would be dead. Somebody reminding me that I needed to be there for my kids was really the only thing that's pulled me out.

 

[Ellabella44]

Ive been alone each time. I dont ask for help when this happens. I try to distract and tough it out.
My closest time to it, being too drunk to walk kept me alive. Odd things happen any other time. A herse drove in front of my house one time I was considering it again. Another time I was called by an older woman from an insurance company and she asked if I had considered my final expenses.

Not helpful to say, but I laughed, full on belly laughed till you cry after her call. Can't make this stuff up. I mean what are the odds that you get such a call in mid planning to do it?

For some reason that is what keeps me going, the odd things that happen.