What Do Sufferers Want To Hear From Their Supporters?

[FaithJL]

If a sufferer is dissociating due to feelings of guilt, frustrations, or being overwhelmed, what do you want to hear from your supporter? How do you want them to react or show reassurance that they are there for you?

 

[99Phoenix99]

Generally if I'm having a hard time I appreciate it most when this happens:

1. My supporter will ask me "What's wrong? What exactly is it that's going on?" (Keeping in mind they do it in a calm manner. If they come at me in a panicky way it makes me worried that I have to cater to their feelings when I'm already at a tipping point, which is something I can't handle.)
2. I'll tell them the issue.
3. Then they ask "Can I do anything?"
4. 90% of the time I'll say no. It just needs to pass.
5. Then my supporter would say "Ok. Just let me know if I can do anything." And then I'm left alone to tackle what it is I'm dealing with.

It may sound like from a "supporter's" POV that I don't want their help, which in a sense I don't (It's an issue of pride, nothing to do with the supporter themself) but that's my ideal reaction from a supporter.

Action 1. Tells me that they're noticing me. Noticing that I have something going on. But aren't freaking out about it or making it a big deal, because if they make it into a big deal then I feel like I'm just making a scene and I feel even worse about it.
Action 2. Let's me communicate.
Action 3. Shows me they want to help. Which I appreciate.
Action 4. Just shows that I'm bullheaded in wanting to be able to fix myself without needing help.
Action 5. Shows me that they heard what I said and will respect that. Respect me. They leave me alone so that I can regroup. If someone hovers around me it generally makes it worse for me because I'm watching them watching me.

In all honesty it's kind of just a formality. Rarely do I ask for help. But it's nice to hear the offer of help. And it's especially nice when they respect the fact that I want to do this on my own. I don't like to be coddled, it's suffocating to me.

When they respect that I want to be alone I'm more apt to go to them for help and be more open. And when they don't make a big deal out of it I don't feel like I made a scene, so when I'm feeling better I don't feel ashamed or alienated.

Having that done makes it a routine. Having a routine makes it feel like nothing is out of the ordinary. And making it feel like nothing is out of the ordinary? It makes me feel normal.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think sometimes a person whi has ptsd needs to work out what the need personally, as much as the supporter is trying to work it out.

So I don't think there is any definitive answer to your question. But ptsd is something that both the person with the condition, and those supporting them need to work through together.

 

[NarcSis]

What you want / don't want someone to do for you is definitely sufferer dependent.

Personally, I worked this all out with my supporter by being courageous enough to let him know what I liked and what I didn't like. It's a very emotionally sensitive discussion and you both have to be open and non-judgemental.

Trauma triggers sometimes require help grounding, but emotionally based dissociation, when I go numb and afraid/depressed, I need either space to get myself back together or I need to know he's there, hold my hand and carry on speaking to me like a normal person....or tell jokes...humor seems to help me snap back sometimes.

But like I said, it's person and situation dependent.

 

[FaithJL]

Update: I spent almost 2.5 hours on the phone with my friend last night. After a long time of not opening up to me about his past, he finally did again. In the end, I felt like he was having a flashback. His voice changed from upbeat to sullen one.

I could sense guilt was creeping up on him. I wasn't sure what to say, I told him God has a different plan for him than his friends who died. I told him to pray. He seemed receptive, but I'm not sure. Was there something else I could have said to ease the guilt?

 

[99Phoenix99]

Update: I spent almost 2.5 hours on the phone with my friend last night. After a long time of not opening up to me about his past, he finally did again. In the end, I felt like he was having a flashback. His voice changed from upbeat to sullen one.

First of all I'd like to say don't cut yourself short! Honestly you listening and accepting what he has to say is SUCH a big deal. Please don't downplay that. You really are doing more than you realize. In my own experience I open up to very few people because they TRY to fix things. They TRY to do things to make me feel better. That's not what I want from someone. I don't want to be fixed. All I ever really wanted was for them to listen. Just to know where I'm coming from. I don't need someone to say or do anything for me. But knowing that they're there to listen to whatever I need to say? That means so SO MUCH.

As to easing the guilt... I don't think there's anything you could say. That's something he needs to figure out. And that's ok. If he knows that you're hearing what he has to say sometimes that's all it takes. Like... just reiterating something he said by saying "It's like you said a, b, and c." Just let him know you're actively listening. Doing that is a very powerful thing.

If he's a religious man, then I think telling him to pray was a good thing. If he's not a religious man perhaps you could say you'll pray for him as a way of thinking about it and his well being.

Most importantly please take care of yourself. You are just as important. Know that when you're happy and smiling it is contagious :D

 

[FaithJL]

Thank you 99Phoenix99. My presumption was right. After the night I talked to him, he called off from work. I texted him and called him, to no avail. I knew he was going to shut down once again even though our conversation ended on a good note. I just wish there's more I could do, but I know I just need to be patient and understanding.

 

[99Phoenix99]

FaithJL I hope things are going better?

I was actually thinking about this thread earlier today and was wondering if you were doing alright? I hope you've been taking care of yourself.

And I also thought of something the other day. From day to day I don't know how I'm going to be emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm a different person each day. And I find it difficult to accept even myself on those days.

I'm not sure if I've seen this on another thread or not but talking about accepting your "sufferer" is a hard thing to do. Because there are days where they're like a different person. The other day I even realized I could barely recognize myself with how I was acting. To have someone say "I accept who you are as you are today and who you are on different days" would be a big deal for me. Because that would be accepting all of me. Not just bits and pieces of me on certain days.

I dunno. That was just running through my head a lot the other day. Anyone else think that?

 

[FaithJL]

99Phoenix99: I'm doing good. Thanks for asking and for checking up on me. I haven't really talked to my friend since the night he opened up to me about his childhood years-the night I talked to him for 2.5 hours. I knew he was going to shut down. I've come to accept how he is, so I was not surprised. I still keep in touch with him by sending him texts or by leaving voicemail message (he hasn't been answering my calls).
I admit, sometimes I cry because I wish I could see him and be with him. But I know things happen for a reason. I'm learning more, and I'm gaining more strength with each passing day. I know he appreciates what I do-he said so himself. :)

 

[Changing4Best]

I want to hear that it is OK to be the way I am, even if you don't understand it, especially since I am in therapy and my therapist AND I are working on it.

I want you to go out and take a walk (and tell me that you are doing so) if things get too "hot" for either of us to handle. I may take a walk too, but in a different direction.

I don't want to be cussed out, no matter how "bad" I have been. I was cussed out and far worse by my abusers. I don't need a reminder of that in any way shape or form, even if I should let a cuss word slip out by accident. (I try not to cuss). I am only human and so are you.

I know the above is a framework to be worked TOWARD. We both should be working toward it at all times as best as we can. I also want you to try to work toward UNDERSTANDING, but realize that I need to work to understand you too. You can remind me that you are not perfect either, and if need be REMIND YOURSELF AS WELL, please, please do.

I know I'm tainted, but the only person who ever walked this earth that was perfect was Jesus. Everyone else, no matter who they are, falls short of that, even your mother. And please, please, please don't EVER expect me to live with ANY of your family members. I won't expect you to live with mine either.

Oh, one other thing: if we ever have children, please don't hit them anywhere except on the rear end. NEVER EVER hit them on the face. Other forms of discipline are better. Rewards and punishments are best, not only punishments.

 

[Sailorgal]

Hi I want to add another dimension. As sufferers, the truth is we want all this to END. What I wanted in addition to love and support was my carer to have FAITH in me that I would get better. Hearing those words of faith and hope were empowering me. Statements like "I KNOW you can get through this" helped me focus on healing cos I was always on self-preservation mode.

The thing I wanted to hear was "I'm not giving up on you." Unfortunately, he did. But I'm still moving on...

 

[Aribear]

The best supporter I ever had didn't SAY anything. She just sat next to me and/or held my hand firmly and waited until I was ready to talk. For me, it was the best. I knew she was there, and I could talk, but there was no pressure to talk or say what was wrong until I was less overwhelmed and ready. Just being there said more than words.