What Do Your Memories Feel Like????

[ivyrose]

So, I feel like I don't exactly fit in a box, (like who does right?). I know I was abused by my dad along with my sisters. I have an eye witness, but have complete amnesia of the time frame. I don't remember before 14. I'm 29 now.

But, my question is, I've gotten a couple "memories" back, but they don't feel like memories. Instead feel like I imagined them. Like a ceiling fan. I just started getting an image of a ceiling fan. I ended up getting it verified that it was above my dads bed, but even after that it just kind if freaked me out. Like I still couldn't "remember" it, even though I knew it was "real" and I pictured it in my head. It didn't feel like a normal memory. So of course there are other disturbing events that I feel I'm 'imagining' with the ceiling fan, like someone on top of me, but I can't exactly get those verified. So, I don't know how to know what happened, and what I'm making up. My Therapist has me doing a homework assignment for CPT, and wants me to put down whatever comes up. That feel like storytelling. Although so did the fan,with all the details but I could verify that.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Will this ever make sense?

Has anyone else had any similar experience?

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi ivyrose All the little memories that repeat themselves that seem confusing are usually a prelude to something lost or forgotten in my case. Blue dress, Bellybutton! Ouch this could be a trigger for me. Yes it does makes sense.

 

[ivyrose]

All the little memories that repeat themselves that seem confusing are usually a prelude to something lost or forgotten in my case.

Hi therapy bankrupt,
As in..will eventually something more "real" comes out of them instead of this underlieing doubt? Or will these memories always feel 'different' because they were somehow stored different because of blocking/dissociating etc. I hope I'm making some sort of sense.

I should say I haven't gotten memories back by any triggers. I tried! I blocked them hard core! I get a lot of emotional memories, intrusive feelings, vague things, tons of somatic symtoms, but zero visual. I have one fuzzy memory that my therapist is trying to use to recreate something with,...so these new "images" are all from this on memory that I always had. But that was just of lying next 2 my dad in bed and feeling uncomfortable. This is all weirding me out and giving me stomach pains and migraines!

 

[Lucille]

Hi ivyrose,

It sounds to me like the bits you are remembering are tough to really internalize because your body is in so much shock about the event. That's why our brains block out certain memories because they don't know how to explain what happened. I have no amnesia about what happened during my sexual assault, but I did have a complete "out of body" experience when I was remembering it. So the event was running through my head like a movie, where I was watching myself go through everything, but I didn't feel like it happened to me.

This lasted for about 4-6 months after my trauma. Then I went through this deeply emotional period where I remembered how it felt to experience those events. It turned from a movie version to downright High Definition - reliving the moments and having no control of when those memories would come rushing into my mind.

I hope you are able to remember more about what actually happened. I imagine it must be very hard to re-write those memories, so to speak. Know we will all be here to support you when you do piece together more of the puzzle. I know it will be hard to fully realize the extent of what happened to you, but ultimately... that's what's going to empower you to work through the trauma, shrinking it down in size so it can't effect your daily life as much.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. I have feeling flashbacks too. The vague memory of my instances always involved me looking at myself from a distance and usually from the side view. I have pictures of what I was wearing, how I was feeling, and little random objects in the memories.

I'm not sure if it is best I forget or try really hard to remember. I thought about trying EMDR, but I have read it is a bad idea with people with lost memories. I don't know if I will ever remember and I am not sure how I feel about that. I feel if I did remember my mind would go into over drive.

 

[ivyrose]

Thanks Lucille,
Yeah right now I am very emotionally cut off from it all. Shock is probably the best word. Remembering having sex with your dad at age 10 should probably be disturbing...but it's like...hmmm. Thanks for the support :)

 

[ivyrose]

Hi ash dawn
I'm glad to hear that because I thought one of my memories must have been imaginary because I was looking at myself from different angles like you talked about. But I know of course that when it happened, I couldn't have done that so it confused me. So memories can be like that?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Yes. Look up dissociation, it helps explain this a lot.

 

[therapybankrupt]

As in..will eventually something more "real" comes out of them instead of this underlieing doubt?

Ivyrose The only way I found out what those memories were was by doing EMDR. I have heard of people getting to the memory during inner child work and hypnosis. Your brain protected you during the trauma by fragmenting off so you did not have to deal with it. It did not process the data and file it where it belongs. Does this make sense?

I am not sure you can force the memory yourself or by trying to trigger it but I am not a doctor. I am telling you what I experienced. You need a good qualified trauma therapist. I would not try to do this alone.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I thought about trying EMDR, but I have read it is a bad idea with people with lost memories.

ashdawn Hi! I would disagree with this. You need a therapist specializing in multiple trauma and they have to front load you properly so you can handle any thing that comes to you. MY lost memories showed up during EMDR combined with inner child work.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Okay, good to know. I am going to finish the semester then do the EMDR.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Yeah its better if you do not have anything big going on. My down time has increased. Make sure your EMDR trauma specialist is listed on the EMDRIA site. For sure get the book Getting Past the Past by Francine Shapiro the founder of the EMDR treatment system. If you can read it before selecting a therapist to work with. Amazon was the cheapest. I was lucky and landed a T with extra education with the EMDR an she is very experienced in it. She also does inner child therapy. I needed that with the multiple trauma and sex abuse amnesia.

tb