Sexual Assault What Happened When You 'outed' Your Attacker?

[Mosaic]

I have stayed quiet about what happened to me, only my boyfriend, my best friend, my therapist and my Doctor know the truth which is unfortunately the case for many people who have been attacked.
I have no intentions of 'outing' him, I am terrified of him and he made it clear that if I said anything he would "get angry" - I do not want to find out again what that would involve this time round.

Despite knowing that I can never rip off his mask and reveal to the world what he really is, I like to imagine that I could. I think about the relief of standing up for myself and letting everyone know the real him. Obviously I know I would be subject to a lot of hate and people giving me abuse for it (as he has a lot of friends and family), but I imagine that his ex girlfriend and the other people who have seen the evil in him might come forward and he would be ruined.

I can't do anything, but a few of you have written posts about outing your attackers for what they are.
Your strength and bravery fascinates me.

I'd love to hear your stories, who did you tell? How did you feel afterwards?

 

[Aarow]

Mosaic, I'm so sorry that silence is what you judge to be best. And most of all that your attacker still has the ability to hurt you. I know, somewhat, how that feels.

My therapist encouraged me to confront my molester. So I did, in a tearful phone conversation. Where he didn't remember anything, about either time. But tried to blame me, whatever happened. And managed to turn the conversation back to his problems. I hung up, devestated. I had no idea what to do in the face of complete denial.

I did manage, I don't know how long afterward, to tell my mother what happened to me. Which seemed to be the more important conversation. And, years later, another relative came forward to reveal a much more insidious and prolonged abuse. Of course, NOT remembered.

I've had to face him over the years at family gatherings. The rage is gone, most of the time. I'd hate to have to live in his head, and can sometimes feel a sort of sick pity. That's all I can muster up. Now that my parents are gone, I can more easily choose to avoid him.

I was quite young when I called him, maybe tweny-five. Now confronting him is just a check mark on the mental health page, for good or ill I don't know. It felt awful, but I wonder how it felt for him, denial or lie? I grew up thinking he was a god. Now he is just a sad,weird old man. His face is at the bottom of a memory.

You never know what you'll be capable of, or when. Watch for your chance, and be prepared, more prepared than i was....Don't ever think of yourself as anything BUT brave, please. xoxox

 

[PlainJane]

Honestly, there are more moments than not where I regret "outing" people (more than one abuser.) But I think I regret it for kind of crazy reasons that doesn't really make any sense.

I base my decisions on a need basis, as to what benefit is there going be and what repercussions am I going to face. What are my intentions on outing this person? How can I expect to feel? What kind of impact will it make on the people around me? What are my other options?

I am not implying that you are angry, but a thread I appreciated comes to mind, deals with anger in particular. Again while I am not saying you're angry I think there are principles that can be applied here. They have pretty universal applications to most other feelings.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dealing-with-anger.49686/#post-790680

A success, if it is how I choose to see it, I had with "outing" is regarding my testimony in court about my mother. While it was terrible, I still fight with this frequently, it served a purpose. To protect my brother. It was out of necessity, I cannot take credit for bravery. Otherwise, if I am being honest, I never would have said anything. To what benefit would it be for me, but to hear her endless denials? And ripple effect from there. But because of the purpose it shared I do not regret it.

Focus more on how it wil effect YOU and your family, whether that be positive or negative. In the end that's what matters, whether it helps or hinders you heal.

 

[shimmerz]

I outed, and I outed and I outed. Abusers are incredible liars and very good at discrediting others. I am still seen as the 'crazy' one.

This whole idea that courts are 'just' is bullshit. The idea that people want to know about evil is bullshit. Thus the dilemma - because you know they aren't just going to target you.... that there will be more.

 

[Ronin]

^ There. I keep outing, for my own peace of mind. Except where I can't because it would be too much risks to people that aren't me.

It's not bravery, or at least not with me. I'm just this much done with evil f*ckers, and if I'm going down, I better do something useful along the ride.

 

[Friday]

I have learned the hard way not to warn my enemies I'm coming.

Never again.

 

[Crow]

Wish I had stayed quiet. When I told my parents (my mother for the second time) about 4 years of sexual abuse at the hand of my sibling, my dad's only response was "so what do you want me to do about it now? " I told relatives and they've ignored the info. I just stay away these days. As far as friends or others I never go into detail. It just f*ck up the relationship. They start treating me with kid gloves.

 

[Aarow]

Jane, thanks for the direction to the thread on Dealing With Anger. That has been such a problem in my life. All or nothing, labeling, shunning, shaming anger. Thinking it protects me, hoping it destructs 'them'. It only destroys me and makes life awful for the people stuck living with me. Hard to eradicate; learned this behavior from the cradle.

That was part of why I chose to confront my abuser, that somehow we could end up with honesty and forgiveness. Or, that I could shed the hate and anger and pain. Neither thing happened. I wonder if therapists are still telling their clients to attempt this. I also wonder what it would have been for me to live with the silence.

 

[nothere]

For some reason, I don't like the word "abused." I'm still learning how to talk about it, but I refer to my "abuser" as the man who assaulted me. More simply put, my physician.

I outed the hell out of him. I felt like I had a responsibility to protect other people. It was probably the first time that I ever really stood up for myself, and boy was my message received! That moment when his pathetic arrogance turned into genuine, "Oh sh*t, this is for real," is a moment I keep tucked away for especially bad days. I don't know when it happened, but I know it did.

If the circumstances of my life had been any different during the time this occurred, I don't think I would have been able to get through it. Certainly not if I were a child. I cannot even begin to imagine what this would have done to me as a child. I felt silenced as an adult, but as a child, I probably would have been dismissed altogether.

Yes, I am happy I outed that doctor, yet I still failed. I wasn't able to get a criminal conviction, which to me = failure, but people know and they don't easily forget about something like that. When it happens again, at least there's something there (me) that can help another person better deal with this misery and get a conviction.

 

[Ronin]

I wasn't able to get a criminal conviction, which to me = failure

If it's failure? It's not yours.

 

[nothere]

If it's failure? It's not yours.

Thank you, @Cashew!! That totally just made me tear up (the good kind)!

 

[MCCS]

I didn't completely out my molester. I have told my best friend, every bf I've had, a couple good friends and our Mom. Yes my molester was my brother. Our Mom was in complete shock and what she said still stays with me.. "You are opening a large can of worms right now." No comfort or understanding. She talked to my molester (I hate that word but am not sure what else to use), her and I briefly talked afterwards, he claimed to have no relocation of it happening but didn't deny it at the same time. Then him and I talked, he told me he understands why I told our Mom. He didn't apologize or ask for forgiveness. Later I let him know I forgive him as a person (since the abuse did stop and it won't occur again, but in my mind I have not forgiven what happened or myself at the same time). Our family doesn't know, our Mom and my brother do not want the family to know, probably for fear of negative feelings or blame towards them, even though my Mom told me that the family may not understand and will blame me for it happening (once again not understanding, comforting or nurturing). I have internalized my Moms response to some degree. There are benefits to telling certain people, I am now able to briefly mention when I'm uncomfortable as long as it's only in the presence of those who already know. I am going to be attending therapy and group meetings, which I desperately need and those who know actually believe I have PTSD, even if they don't understand PTSD. It was a weight off my shoulders telling my Mom, I remember how much it put on me emotionally to keep it a secret from her for so long. I was extremely suicidal, depressed and self harmed. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and clinical anxiety in my teens, which I believe stemmed from my childhood and the PTSD. I'm still living at home so through telling my Mom I am able to get help for the areas I need, not for depression and anxiety but for PTSD and childhood sexual abuse.